AIBU to feel hurt my friend refused a small favour?

[Redman73]

Not sure If I am being over sensitive or a CF

A bit of back ground as I feel is relevant. I have a 19 year old son living at home who is Autistic. High functioning but needs constant support and struggles with his emotions/mental health. He is often violent and this has become particularly bad over the last six months. Things at home are tough and I am very open about this with my close friends. One of my closest friends, I meet up with every week for a dog walk been friends for over 15 years.

One of the triggers for my sons decline in mental health is the fact he lost his leaflet delivery job. We have just secured him a new one which we are hoping will improve his state of mind. The new delivery route is a 15/20 mins walk away which would be fine but they are magazines so pretty heavy. He can only carry 120 at a time and the route has 800 houses. I text my friend who's parents live on the route to ask if my son could leave a plastic box on their drive, that way he could restock (rather than having to come all the way home or alternatively I would have to drive and meet him with more leaflets.) This delivery is only once a month so would only be there for a few days a month.

My friend replied that no it wouldn't be possible as there is no where to put it (Its a large driveway and garden) I was totally gobsmacked. I have a good relationship with her parents and in hindsight should have just knocked and asked them directly. I don't believe she asked them. I know that if it was the other way round I would have said yes immediately. I guess I just don't understand why you wouldn't want to help a friend. I'm not sure I can meet her this week and act like I am not upset.

Well perhaps her parents think having a plastic box on their driveway would be embarrassing?
but they wouldn’t be getting paid for it

You have every right to feel hurt by this, but equally they have every right to say no. They may feel that it places responsibility on them that they feel uncomfortable with. The may worry that it will attract thieves or vandals to their drive, They may not want a box on their drive for two days every month, the may worry it made sit look untidy etc. There are lots of reasons for saying no and the are entitled to do so.

You weren’t unreasonable to ask, but they aren’t unreasonable to decline.

I wouldn’t risk an important friendship on something so minor.

It is not for the woman’s elderly parents to
deal with having the man on their property, or having him store things on his property. His disability does not, in any way, prevent him using a trolley to carry his stock. He just doesn’t want to because he doesn’t think he’ll look cool. That is nothing to do with disability and evening to do with his mum stepping in to find a solution that puts others in a difficult
situation all because her adult son doesn’t want to use a trolley for his job.

I’ve got an autistic son. I have no issue telling him to grow up when he creates more barriers for himself for no reason - “being embarrassed” is no reason to claim “well, he has a disability so you need to let him use your property and anyone saying no is ableist.”

And I very much doubt that it was this man who came up with the idea of trying to use someone else’s property… it was OP. Instead of dealing with her kid, she came up with the idea to make it someone else’s problem.

The friend’s parents may have their own MH issues. My elderly mum like lots of older people worries about very trivial things. She is very house proud and worries about things getting damaged or broken.

I have an adult son with ASD. I would be telling him that the solution is a trolley or coming home to pick up more magazines. I find when my son is resistant to a possible solution then it’s easier to let him do it the least preferable way (e.g come home for more magazines) and eventually the penny drops and he’ll go with the suggested solution of the trolley. If keeps with the back and forth to the house for more magazines then that’s his absolute choice and right to do so.

I would not have asked a favour of a friends parents before at least trying option 1 and 2 first and to be honest probably not if either hadn’t worked. Life is hard for a young adult with ASD but as parents we still have to guide them towards being their most functional and independent selves we can’t always jump in with the easier solution just because they think an option is “embarrassing”. He has a job that he wants give him the autonomy to make it work for himself.

Whether there's risk or not, you want her to let your 'violent' DS to potentially come into contact with her DP? You were unreasonable to put her in that position when it's her DP's drive, not hers and then make out that it's something trivial.

I didn’t say he would. Their driveway is still their property. And if something goes wrong with the magazines when they’re stored outside (damaged by weather, animals, etc) who knows what this increasingly violent man might do? I wouldn’t agree to this for myself, much less for older people.

I’m going to say YABU because my parents would be uncomfortable with that. They are not easy going people.

Maybe she knows her parents better than you do.

She didn't want to ask her parents because they would have had to say yes. If you asked them they would probably say yes, but might not be very happy about it. Having you're 'known to be violent sometimes' son hanging around their driveway a few days a month might be quite frightening. I assume they are not that young.

I also agree that although it seems like a minor favour that should cause no inconvenience sometime as people get older little things cause them much stress and worrying. I know my elderly in laws would whittle on about it for days. Worrying when the delivery would be, oh we haven’t seen him come for any yet, oh there’s still some left, oh we saw someone looking in the box they might steel the box or the magazines, maybe we should move the box if it rains………..

My elderly parents got very stressed about the most minor things. Even a parcel not arriving on time would become a massive deal and cause untold worries. I can well imagine that having a box in their garden that some son of a friend of their child was going to be back and forth from several times would become a big issue that they can well do without. You have your DS to worry about and your friend has her parents as her priority. You weren't asking a small favour of your friend, you were asking her to ask her parents and it's too much to ask.

Can you not drive him and leave the leaflets in your car while he delivers.

Since when is a box on a driveway a massive favour?

I'm glad that my friends & I have an entirely different view on this.

I think, maybe, you're mad about the wrong thing. You're really struggling with your son and want help, and you're seeing your friend's refusal as a denial of this help. But you're asking for the wrong help. You are asking for help managing him, placating him, trying to arrange everything just so so he doesn't get upset. I say this kindly, I spent far too many years managing and placating a mentally ill man, but other people aren't going to be happy with you outsourcing this onto them. I think you need to take a step back and look at the bigger picture. What help do you need with your son?

I think with favours, it is ok to ask, but it's also ok for them to say no. People don't have to explain themselves if they don't want to.

I understand how you are trying to help your son, and it takes it's toll on you too.
Are you safe @Redman73 ?
I know it's not the topic, but I promised myself I'd always ask now, after a terrible incident that a friend suffered.

I didn’t suggest that’s what she was asking.
The facts remain that this is a violent man, whose violence is getting increasingly worse and hard to deal with, even for his mother who knows him very well. His decline in mental health has been triggered by work related problems. And now op is suggesting that older folk who are presumably strangers to this man allow him to use their property to store and access work material. What happens when he turns up one day and the magazines are damaged or missing? Is he going to have a violent meltdown then and if so, who will have to deal with it and bear the brunt of it?

x-posted but exactly this!

also find myself wondering if anyone really wants these magazine. appreciate it's good for DS to be working, but if the parents are the sort who hate junk mail, then they'd be extra touchy about facilitating the distribution from their garden.

YANBU to ask, but she / her parents are completely within their rights to say no and YABU to be upset about it. Not everyone wants a box on their drive. You need to find a different solution.

Just get him a trolley, as handy as it would have been for you don’t involve other people in what you and your family need to do

I think it was unreasonable of you to ask in the circumstances,

You should have asked her parents as it’s their house. But she knows her parents and it seems they wouldn’t want a plastic box on their drive out in the open for a few days every month. Fair enough.

Can he put them in a wheelie black sports bag or similar if a trolley is a bit cringe for him?

If I was your friend OP, I’d feel very sympathetic to your situation and would be happy to listen and talk things through with you. I would store magazines on my own property for your son. But I would not want my parents to be involved in this arrangement.

What if the magazines are stolen from their property, or the box is damaged and the contents spoiled? Her parents would feel involved and your son would understandably need to chat with them about what’s happened. You sound confident that he wouldn’t be violent to them, but they would still be exposed to the worry and pressure of helping a stressed out young man, why would their daughter invite the potential for this into her (likely elderly) parents’ lives? I know my parents would not cope well with such a scenario.

Supporting your son must be such a lot of work and worry, but your solution to this particular problem isn’t reasonable.

This seems a very practical solution. To be honest I am very supportive of my friends but if someone asked me if their son could store stuff on my driveway during his deliveries especially if they said he had been violent it would be a no. I don’t know him and I want to be able to to get on and off my driveway when I want. I wouldn’t want to be liable if the magazines got stolen etc I appreciate other people would be fine with this but I have dogs and we are constantly in and out back gate - children over etc and I just wouldn’t want it. I used to be like - sure come over and do what you want but I went through counselling about 10 years ago that pointed out I’m a people pleaser and I’ve had to get tougher. So it would be a no here but a practical solution is get him a trolley.