AIBU to feel hurt my friend refused a small favour?

[Redman73]

Not sure If I am being over sensitive or a CF

A bit of back ground as I feel is relevant. I have a 19 year old son living at home who is Autistic. High functioning but needs constant support and struggles with his emotions/mental health. He is often violent and this has become particularly bad over the last six months. Things at home are tough and I am very open about this with my close friends. One of my closest friends, I meet up with every week for a dog walk been friends for over 15 years.

One of the triggers for my sons decline in mental health is the fact he lost his leaflet delivery job. We have just secured him a new one which we are hoping will improve his state of mind. The new delivery route is a 15/20 mins walk away which would be fine but they are magazines so pretty heavy. He can only carry 120 at a time and the route has 800 houses. I text my friend who's parents live on the route to ask if my son could leave a plastic box on their drive, that way he could restock (rather than having to come all the way home or alternatively I would have to drive and meet him with more leaflets.) This delivery is only once a month so would only be there for a few days a month.

My friend replied that no it wouldn't be possible as there is no where to put it (Its a large driveway and garden) I was totally gobsmacked. I have a good relationship with her parents and in hindsight should have just knocked and asked them directly. I don't believe she asked them. I know that if it was the other way round I would have said yes immediately. I guess I just don't understand why you wouldn't want to help a friend. I'm not sure I can meet her this week and act like I am not upset.

This would really stress my parents out, I wouldn’t even ask them if you had asked me. My own drive, yes fine, but my parents are getting on a bit and this would turn into a huge fuss.

yes, he only has a few days to do it. His last delivery job was a lot more casual. We did discuss using a trolly but he thinks that's embarrassing.

I wouldn't have asked my mum about this because even the suggestion would stress her out! Even without the 'potentially violent' factor

How old are your friend's parents? Do they know your son well?

Oh lord I missed that. Yeah. NO. Sorry OP I wouldn’t agree that either. This would cause my parents huge anxiety and stress and im not agreeing to them being put in harms way

If this was me, I’d be thinking it could open a can of worms that I didnt want whether myself or my parents to be involved in. It’s not their problem to solve and you’re not cheeky for asking but you are a CF to be annoyed they said no. They don’t want involved and that’s their prerogative.

I don’t think it’s fair to be off with friend about this it’s entirely outside her control.
Her parents may have said no. They may not want an ugly plastic box on their garden, may be worried about a large violent man coming in their property, worried about what may happen if leaflets get wet or taken eg worry your son may be banging on door shouting at them. Worried re slippery slope - few days is vague.
She may have thought I’m not asking my parents it will worry them or possibly put them at risk. But that’s her choice.

I wouldn’t have boxes stored on my drive for a few days each month. Something else to be responsible for and something to attract people onto their property to see if there was anything good in it to steal. No.

Your son could get a trolley, like those used for festivals and camping and people who do craft markets. Stop making his job someone else’s problem.

A violent man, whose decline in mental health is ‘triggered’ by work related issues, wants to use elderly people’s property for work related purposes? Ehh, no.

When do you next see her parents? Ask them in person.

Well poor diddums. He is an adult. This is his job. Was it you who suggested he could just use someone else’s property for storage? And you think they’d be fine with a violent man on their property.

He needs to use a trolley. Too bad if he is embarrassed. Tell him to grow up.

Sorry but you were a bit cheeky to ask in my opinion.
As others have said, get him a shopping trolley or one of those big trolleys that families take out on days out, or you should be topping him up if that isn’t feasible.

He won't have access to the house.

He needs to speak to his employer. Nobody could carry that much at once. He needs to be working alongside a van driver who can restock him and others or they need to give him some wheely trolley type thing.

Yes the friend is not helpful. I mean I would have probably said yeah sure.

But ultimately it's his employer responsibility to supply him with equipment required to perform the task. Presumably they are a legit marketing or delivery company?

Well, it’s that or not doing the job, surely?

I wouldnt want my parents to be involved. He has other options. Which he finds embarrasing- thats on him to work through

I can totally see why they said no. A lot of people wouldn't agree to store things for other people on their driveway, after all they have no idea what they may be agreeing to. Also, you admit yourself that your DS is violent. They are (presumably) two older people who would probably rather not risk meeting your potentially violent 19-year-old DS on their own driveway. I know you feel hurt and I understand why, but I honestly think you have to let this go. They're just being prudent and careful and that's understandable.

His embarrassment or your inconvenience of having to drive to refill his deliveries are not the responsibility of your friend or her parents. You are definitely a CF.

I wouldn't have asked my dad, who has similar open and accessible space, because he wouldn't want to say no to me and I wouldn't want a violent 19yo man leaving their property and forcing responsibility on my dad because his own mum can't be bothered driving for a few minutes.

Please don’t take this as a reflection of your friendship, it isn’t your friends favour to give.

A wheeled suitcase might work for this?

I wouldn't want an violent man who is getting worse visiting my property once a month op.

This isn't a small favour.

You shouldn't blame her for what is most likely her parents' decision. It put her in am awkward spot having to ask them, given what she knows.

Even ignoring the potentially violent part lots of people are house proud and wouldn’t want a plastic box on front garden and drive. On drive they may worry about hitting it with car. On lawn it will ruin grass. If it’s a nicer box like a keter it may encourage burglars onto property thinking there’s garden equipment in it etc.
I appreciate you want the best for him and are worried about him but it’s not fair to transfer burden onto someone else.

By having a box in the garden it makes them responsible for it, if it blows away or gets stolen etc etc, get him a trolley if he isn't able to carry his magazines, her parents might not want a stranger hanging about the house or whatever it isn't your friends job to "help out" like this.

Oh gosh my inlaws would find this ask to be incredibly stressful. I probably wouldn't even ask as it would just be a whole thing. I think you are hugely minimising this favour and could consider apologising for putting her in a difficult situation (asking her about something at her parents' home is a bit odd anyway)

I'm so sorry your son is struggling and I hope this helps him, but you need to brainstorm other options before using someone's driveway for storage. Too many ways this could go wrong.

Omg no 😂. They’ve hired him to do the delivery. They’re not paying 2 people for it when part of the job he applied for is to move those items. If he can’t drive or lives far away from the route then that’s his problem to solve. These are usually jobs kids do before school, and they don’t get a second employee during a van behind them 😂

do not do this. Unacceptable to put them in this position. I doubt your friend even told them the backstory. She probably weighed up the situation and decided to not take the risk.