AIBU to feel hurt my friend refused a small favour?

[Redman73]

Not sure If I am being over sensitive or a CF

A bit of back ground as I feel is relevant. I have a 19 year old son living at home who is Autistic. High functioning but needs constant support and struggles with his emotions/mental health. He is often violent and this has become particularly bad over the last six months. Things at home are tough and I am very open about this with my close friends. One of my closest friends, I meet up with every week for a dog walk been friends for over 15 years.

One of the triggers for my sons decline in mental health is the fact he lost his leaflet delivery job. We have just secured him a new one which we are hoping will improve his state of mind. The new delivery route is a 15/20 mins walk away which would be fine but they are magazines so pretty heavy. He can only carry 120 at a time and the route has 800 houses. I text my friend who's parents live on the route to ask if my son could leave a plastic box on their drive, that way he could restock (rather than having to come all the way home or alternatively I would have to drive and meet him with more leaflets.) This delivery is only once a month so would only be there for a few days a month.

My friend replied that no it wouldn't be possible as there is no where to put it (Its a large driveway and garden) I was totally gobsmacked. I have a good relationship with her parents and in hindsight should have just knocked and asked them directly. I don't believe she asked them. I know that if it was the other way round I would have said yes immediately. I guess I just don't understand why you wouldn't want to help a friend. I'm not sure I can meet her this week and act like I am not upset.

Sorry - you’re being cheeky. Their drive and property. Doesn’t matter how big, if they don’t want a large plastic box on it. Also, you’ve said your son has MH issues and is violent. She’s protecting her parents, I would do the same.

Really? Wow, you would say no to a young lad trying to work and just to make your friend's and her son's lives a tiny bit easier by putting a box on a huge drive for a while, you would say NO?

How unbelievably mean

What on earth do you think he is going to do? Hurl the box at the parents or fling brochures at their windows?

I understand why you are disappointed OP, but I can understand your friend’s reluctance.

I know if my granny had been placed in that position when she was alive, she would have been beside herself with worry in case anything happened to it. She would have been at her window checking it hadn’t been stolen, would have been lying awake at night if it was bad weather, hoping they hadn’t been destroyed or blown away.

I know she also would have felt terrible saying no, especially given the circumstances with your son, so I would probably say no without asking her.

I don’t mean to be unkind, and I really hope you find a solution for your son to carry on with his job

I know you're saying work wouldn't be a trigger for a meltdown but surely the nature of a meltdown means there's no limit of where/when it could happen? Particularly if something unexpected happens.

This was my thinking too. I sympathise with you and I understand that your son and his wellbeing is naturally your first priority but your friend may be concerned about her elderly parents being left in a difficult or possibly unsafe situation if your son becomes overwhelmed or distressed while at their property. I also know my parents are extremely house proud and my mum would hate the idea of a plastic box being sat out a few days a week, she can barely cope with her bin sitting out as it is. Perhaps her parents feel the same. I've worked with a couple of young adults who are autistic and I understand why you're saying he's only violent at home when triggered and overwhelmed but sometimes situations can happen where things spill out into other parts of life and I've seen that happen unfortunately. It's not a reflection on your son in any way but if your friend is hearing the worst of it she may feel there's more risk attached than what you are recognising because it's something you're immersed in and quite used to supporting him through.

I wouldn't go over your friends head to ask her parents. You've asked, they've declined as far as you know, to push it now would be CF behaviour to be honest. I think you need to come up with other solutions such as a trolley so he doesn't need to be carrying them at all. What would you do if they didn't live on this street?

I think when you're asking a good friend for a favour if you value the friendship then you also need to respect their boundaries and their right to say no.

Does your son have an employment support worker? I know there's an organisation near where I live that does training for employers when hiring people with disabilities or accessibility needs and then provides support workers to help them sustain the employment and that can include things like negotiating adaptions or adjustments from the company? If something like that was near you it might make things a bit easier than you having to drive to restock him?

Maybe she is just protecting her parents. What happens if the magazines are in the box and get damaged or wet and he blames them and gets violent or smashes their property. It's better to keep your friendship separate to the rest of your family.

Hi love, I'm the parent of an autistic teen who can also have violent meltdowns. Honestly, I don't think you were cheeky for asking, but I do think your friend is worried about her parents. If they're sat out enjoying their garden or doing work outside, and your son cones to collect his leaflets-how would he react if they weren't there, if they were damaged, if he couldn't find them or any other variable that could trigger a meltdown? They'd be the closest people to him. I believe your friend is worried about that.

I've honestly learnt not to expect anything of anyone where my son is involved sadly. I do EVERYTHING for him and only ever ask my husband for help. I've been hurt too many times expecting other people to understand.

I think if he won't pull a trolley, it may be up to you to drive and meet him-or, if there's some kind of independent shop/hairdresser nearby, you could possibly ask them in return for a storage fee (obvs explain the situation and leave your number for emergencies and perhaps ring to check it's there and all is well before he starts his delivery)

I'm sorry you feel hurt by your friend, and I'm probably guessing some of these comments too. Sending a hug 🫶🏻

I can understand why you’re upset about it. But I guess your friend just doesn’t want her parents involved in anyway. She could be worried what would happen if someone stole the box / contents, incase he had an outburst. She may just be worried to put them in any risk, no matter how small. Also some people are odd about things in their driveway.

Its not mean, dont be so ridiculous.

What if the box gets stolen or damaged or it rains heavily and the leaflets are ruined. When the OP's son arrives to collect them and finds them in that state then he is going to be upset because it's not what he was expecting, his routine will be disrupted and its perfectly possible he'll become distressed. At that point in time there is noone else around to help him, only this friend's parents so they will become involved in it even if they dont want to.

Therefore, all these "it's only a box" comments are a bit silly because it's not only a box. The OP literally said not being able to work makes him distressed. There is an associated responsibility attached to storing the box that many of us simply dont feel comfortable with taking on and thats perfectly ok. I know for me, I would end up worrying about the box because I know how important it is to him and thats an added stress in my life that I dont want.

I wouldn't expect OP's son to do things he isnt comfortable with or to disrespect his boundaries so this works both ways.

Sanctimonious much? YES I would say no to someone who has been described by their own parent as unstable and violent. That’s not mean, that’s sensible. It’s not ‘only a box’. It makes the OP’s parents responsible for a young man with MH problems who has been described as violent.

He definitely needs a trolley. Even 120 magazines is much too heavy to walk with for long.

Yes. Many would, as evidenced by this thread.

He isn’t just ‘a young man’, he’s a young man that has become increasingly violent in recent months. So far if the violence has been directed at family members in his home, but no one can say with certainty that he wouldn’t become violent with others, especially if the leaflets were damaged or lost.

If it’s ‘mean’ to not want to risk your own safety, or the safety of your family (elderly or not), then oh fucking well 🤷🏻‍♀️

That's unkind given that the boy's got enough issues to start with. Hardly cf territory.

That said, OP, they've said no so a trolley/trolleys are your solution.

My parents would have been the exact same, fretting endlessly and needlessly over the box and its contents. They’d also have wanted to be at home when he arrived to collect them and when they were dropped off. It would have become a big commitment in their eyes. And that’s before there’s any talk of him being prone to violence.