AIBU to feel hurt my friend refused a small favour?

[Redman73]

Not sure If I am being over sensitive or a CF

A bit of back ground as I feel is relevant. I have a 19 year old son living at home who is Autistic. High functioning but needs constant support and struggles with his emotions/mental health. He is often violent and this has become particularly bad over the last six months. Things at home are tough and I am very open about this with my close friends. One of my closest friends, I meet up with every week for a dog walk been friends for over 15 years.

One of the triggers for my sons decline in mental health is the fact he lost his leaflet delivery job. We have just secured him a new one which we are hoping will improve his state of mind. The new delivery route is a 15/20 mins walk away which would be fine but they are magazines so pretty heavy. He can only carry 120 at a time and the route has 800 houses. I text my friend who's parents live on the route to ask if my son could leave a plastic box on their drive, that way he could restock (rather than having to come all the way home or alternatively I would have to drive and meet him with more leaflets.) This delivery is only once a month so would only be there for a few days a month.

My friend replied that no it wouldn't be possible as there is no where to put it (Its a large driveway and garden) I was totally gobsmacked. I have a good relationship with her parents and in hindsight should have just knocked and asked them directly. I don't believe she asked them. I know that if it was the other way round I would have said yes immediately. I guess I just don't understand why you wouldn't want to help a friend. I'm not sure I can meet her this week and act like I am not upset.

Elderly parents may see it differently. As PPs have eloquently explained this ‘box on the driveway’ would become a huge focus and result in stress and anxiety that we can’t probably comprehend but know they don’t need. I would have absolutely said no.

Oh yes this too absolutely, they would obsess about it!

What happens if he has a meltdown in their garden because the magazines get wet or damaged or stolen? What usually causes the meltdowns and does your friend know about them? Who is responsible for the magazines left on their property.

If a trolley's embarrassing could he used a suitcase on wheels for the surplus and a messenger bag?

I do think you're are a bit unreasonable to be upset with your friend for not wanting to get involved. It's quite a big ask if her parents are the sort of people who appreciate their privacy. I wouldn't be keen on a friend's teenager coming up and down my driveway at random times several times a month.

Most leaflet delivery people round here seem to use a trolley of some kind or a rucksack worn on their front. You might be able to hold of something more like a postie cart than an old-fashioned trolley.
Your friend’s elderly parents storing things is not a solution.

You are unnecessarily rude and mean to the OP. But the trolley idea is genius.

Sadly these are the times we live in. Most friendships are just superficial with no real depth. Your post illustrates this beautifully.

You're complaining about her not saying yes immediately but she wasn’t in a position to do that when it’s not her house. YABU to ask her to ask her parents for a favour. Ask them yourself if you’re friendly with them. And when they say no, be gracious about it.

What do you expect them to do when it rains?

I wouldn’t say yes to this either, especially on someone else’s behalf.

I can't believe you thought was okay to pester not even a friend, but a friend's parents. If he's embarrassed by a trolley he can always haul them on his back.

Easy on the hyperbole asking a favour albeit an unreasonable one isn’t coercion 🙄

Easy on the hyperbole asking a favour albeit an unreasonable one isn’t coercion 🙄

They might not care. My elderly mum has a very large drive and family friends with autistic dc, she wouldn’t see this as a big deal at all. For some it might be, for some it isn’t.

It's using someone else's property for days every month for free storage of a large, unsightly plastic box whose contents could become litter if the box breaks. It's going to draw interest and possibly have people coming onto the property to check out what's in the box or just steal it. What if a dog pees on it?

Too bad you can't store it for OP though.

The trolley is a simple, cheap, easy solution rather than feeling entitled to use a property that isn't even her friend's property and mad because friend told her no.

OP expected her friend's parents to do something for her and got upset when friend told her no. That's entitlement. She feels she deserves the use of their property to facilitate her son's job and that's just not so.

There's some really nasty OTT replies on this thread. Even if you disagee with the OP there's no call for it.

I hope your DS's job helps to stabilise his mental health OP.

On the face of it not unreasonable but in reality how big would this box be, how long would it be there for, would they be responsible for receiving the leaflets and stocking the box? What if some went missing?

Several issues here - it's not your friend's driveway, for starters. The parents mightn't want their daughter's friend's son (effectively a random) having use of it, or your friend might not have wanted to ask them - you don't know what her relationship with them is like.

Another point is that a box of magazines is going to look untidy, like they've permanently left their recycling out for collection.

Finally, it involves someone coming and going on their property at will.

I wouldn't agree to it, personally, even directly from a friend, let alone a relative's friend's relative.

Don't take it personally, OP. Hopefully you can find another solution such as the trolley suggested upthread.

My drive is for driving my car over in order to park, I wouldn’t want a big plastic box sat on it either.

It’s not a small favour, for all the reasons pointed out by PP. It might (possibly!) not have been unreasonable to ask on the offchance, but for you to be hurt when they said no is v v v v v v v unreasonable.

I think it was rude to them not asking them direct but going to your friend to be the messager.

If they are close enough to help, they should be close enough to ask directly.

I think if you had asked me to use my drive way I would absolutely say yes, but if you had asked me if it could be put on my elderly mum’s driveway I would be a lot more hesitant about it because your ds can be violent, and I wouldn’t want my mum put into a potentially frightening situation.

I really feel for you though because I can imagine your hurt and frustration, and you’re just trying to help your ds as much as possible. I know he thinks a trolley would be embarrassing but maybe he will come round to the idea once he realises how inconvenient it is doing it without? Anyway, I wish him the best of luck and I’m sorry you feel so let down by your friend. Perhaps talk to her and tell her how you feel, and maybe she will explain her reasoning behind saying no.

If the getting out of the house part and walking in fresh air is therapeutic for him maybe don’t offer solutions. If he needs to walk more and spend longer that’s perhaps a good thing. You’ve got him the job. If he’s able to let him manage how he organises it eg choosing trolley or walking more.

Her likely elderly parents likely refused having their property being used as a leaflet depot for somebody who they percieve to be violent.

Your friend cant be held responsible for that.

To be fair on them, I’d be inclined to say no as well because I wouldn’t want to be responsible for someone else’s valuables on my property, especially as it’s something he needs for work.

Him finding something embarrassing is unfortunately not a good enough excuse, if there are other solutions then he needs to accept them.