AIBU to feel hurt my friend refused a small favour?

[Redman73]

Not sure If I am being over sensitive or a CF

A bit of back ground as I feel is relevant. I have a 19 year old son living at home who is Autistic. High functioning but needs constant support and struggles with his emotions/mental health. He is often violent and this has become particularly bad over the last six months. Things at home are tough and I am very open about this with my close friends. One of my closest friends, I meet up with every week for a dog walk been friends for over 15 years.

One of the triggers for my sons decline in mental health is the fact he lost his leaflet delivery job. We have just secured him a new one which we are hoping will improve his state of mind. The new delivery route is a 15/20 mins walk away which would be fine but they are magazines so pretty heavy. He can only carry 120 at a time and the route has 800 houses. I text my friend who's parents live on the route to ask if my son could leave a plastic box on their drive, that way he could restock (rather than having to come all the way home or alternatively I would have to drive and meet him with more leaflets.) This delivery is only once a month so would only be there for a few days a month.

My friend replied that no it wouldn't be possible as there is no where to put it (Its a large driveway and garden) I was totally gobsmacked. I have a good relationship with her parents and in hindsight should have just knocked and asked them directly. I don't believe she asked them. I know that if it was the other way round I would have said yes immediately. I guess I just don't understand why you wouldn't want to help a friend. I'm not sure I can meet her this week and act like I am not upset.

Sorry but while it sounds a simple ask - who is responsible if the magazines get damaged or stolen. Say the weather is really bad and the lid isn’t put on properly and they get very wet or local kids notice the box and decide it will be funny to set fire to them etc. would you want to put anyone in the position of feeling guilty if anything happened to them. It’s up to you to find an alternative solution - drive over with the additional magazines, get your DS over his embarrassment about using a trolley. I get why you might feel a bit upset but these are your friend’s parents garden not her’s and there is a risk of damage / loss of the magazines and who will be responsible ? Up to you to sort out not rely on her parents to solve your issue.

I agree - if the box gets damaged or stolen or something then your friend's parents become involved in it dont they? what if your son turns up and it isnt there etc etc

Its not just having a box on your drive, its the fact that if something happens to it and it causes your son distress then I would feel responsible for that and I personally wouldn't want such a responsibility.

Sorry op, but I wouldn't want to agree to this either. I'd be worried about being responsible for the box and leaflets. I imagine "there's no where to put them" means "there's no where secure to put them and they'll get nicked".

I might do it as a favour myself possibly (though reluctantly) but I would never let my elderly mam be in this situation. It wouldn't be fair to her.

totally agree. I don't want anything 'brought to my door' so to speak .. that's trouble/issues/other peoples problems and storage boxes full of leaflets

I agree with this. If the establishment providing the magazines also provided a box style trolley to transport them there wouldn't be a choice as to whether to use it.

Agree with this. I would worry about my Mum and Dad having to deal with a young man having a meltdown if his box of magazines has been stolen. Not his fault of course, but he might get very upset.

Gosh, what an imposition. I think you are being a very CF indeed, frankly. My guess is she is feeling uncomfortable about going for a walk with you, too.

She already said that he could use a trolley, and that it would be a good solution except that he says it would be “embarrassing.”

Same as any other teen. This is not an autism issue. This is a teen who needs to grow up and learn to do what his job requires, like any other teen. But mum is stepping in to do it for him… also like far too many teens these days whose parents turn up to interviews with them etc.

To be brutally honest, this whole situation clearly has nothing to do with the leaflets or the box. They simply don't want anything to do with your son. A 19-year old autistic man who is regularly violent is not a person many people want to be close to. So granting favours either however small is a risk. The fact it might be good for his MH is not their responsibility.

Even if you've been friends with her for years makes no difference. She may have known your son since he was tiny and watched him grow up, but nobody is obligated to like or assist an adult simply because they have a connection with the parent. If anything, she may know him well enough to not want to facilitate any connection with her parents, which is why she declined without asking them.

Angry, ND young, male adults are the highest demographic for senseless crimes. Especially if they're in a situation that's unlikely to improve such as not being in education, work or training. You can't blame other people for wanting to distance themselves to a potentially violent person. He is also a full-grown adult, so it's not like they're discriminating against a child who may benefit from social contact or adult mentors.

Maybe they top "senseless crimes" because the community won't step up and help them?

And “help” is doing whatever is requested of you?

I think I’m far more likely to feel helpful towards those who don’t commit senseless crimes.

I didn't say that. I'm talking as the mother of two now adults who have autism diagnoses - my observation is that most people would rather run a mile than do anything to help. And it doesn't matter if they aren't violent - that may seem relevant here but my two are not violent and it made no difference. The people who are prepared to offer kindness or practical support are very few and far between.

Yes, I think you are cheeky to ask someone to use their home for storage.

“She does say all the time I’m so sorry you are going through this and I wish I could help so that’s why I felt comfortable asking”

You can ask, but that doesn’t mean you should expect a ‘yes’.

If she did ask her parents, and they said no, what else was she supposed to do other than relay that to you? Not actually ask them but make the decision on their behalf? Pester them into saying yes? She’s not actually let you down here or done anything hurtful.

It’s fine for you to ask. It’s fine for her to say no. There may be some good reasons you’re not privy to. I’d revisit the trolley solution. Things like this could easily hold 800 leaflets and are used by festival goers etc. so they’re pretty cool.

amzn.eu/d/0624ZtC5

There are little trolleys in the middle aisle at Aldi at the moment which would be perfect for leaflet deliveries

I'm so sorry things are so tough at the moment.

If she asked and they said no, then I would let it lie. But if she lied and didn't ask them, then I do think that is poor. If she didn't feel able to ask them, she should have just said that and you could have asked them yourself.

How about one of those smart easy to push suitcases on wheel instead of a trolly.

Your being riven of you’ve said he has violent steaks why would they want to help out? And also it’s a massive ask they would have the responsibility of it all. To be honest I think the friend has said no on their behave to stop

them having any extra drama in their life

I imagine as they are elderly they do not want the stress of it, to us it isnt stressful, to an elderly couple yes it often is, esp if you DS is known to be violent.
you did the correct thing not asking them directly, just work another way, I would suggest over a couple of days as this would likely suit him.

Im really sorry but I wouldn't want a 19 year old lad who's known to be violent going to my parents house. You put your friend in a really unfair situation

But you said Maybe they top "senseless crimes" because the community won't step up and help them?

so indicating that it’s the community’s fault for not helping being the reason they are committing crime?

How mean. It's not as if he would have to interrupt them. I'd be hurt. Pity you didn't ask the parents yourself because you can't do much about it now.

You may not like the answer but it’s ok for people to have boundaries and say no.