AIBU to refuse using my savings if DH will not job hunt?

[Bickytoria20]

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AIBU to refuse to use my savings to support DH when he won’t job hunt?

My DH will run out of money in about 6 weeks and still hasn’t started looking for a job. He wants me to use my savings to give him more time. I’ve said no, as I don’t think it’s fair – by that point he’ll have had around 8 months off and has done precisely nothing in terms of job hunting.

I see my savings as an emergency fund, not something to fund an extended break. He, however, thinks that if I don’t use them, I’m effectively abandoning him and not supporting him as his wife.

He says he’s depressed and needs more time off. I do believe he’s struggling, but he can’t say how long he needs, and originally said he’d only take 1–2 months before looking again. I’ve tried to be supportive, but it feels like the only support he considers valid is financial.

What makes this harder is that he spends basically all his time working on a personal coding project he’s been doing throughout his sabbatical. It clearly requires focus and skill, so I struggle to accept that he’s incapable of job hunting or working at all.

Background:
• He’s currently in month 6 of a sabbatical after his contract (software engineer) ended.
• Reasons for the break were:

1. His mental health declined, partly due to strain in our relationship while he was the main breadwinner during my maternity leave (our DD is now 21 months).
2. He wanted more time with our DD as he didn’t get paternity leave (he now looks after her 2 days a week).
3. He planned to do various DIY jobs (extension, garden fence, etc.).

To be fair, he has continued paying his share of the bills and mortgage from his savings, which he built up beforehand. But those savings are now almost gone.

So… AIBU to draw the line and refuse to use my savings to give him more time?

What on earth have I just read? He's spent almost 6 months wasting time indulging in BS hobbies, doing nothing home wise or job wise. What an utter loser. Definitely don't give him a penny. You'll need that for your dd and self if this carries on much longer.

And no savings aren't shared in this case because OP seems to be the only adult in the relationship.

Why is there such a proliferation of useless men leaning on their partners till the women break?

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5502099-i-think-dh-should-give-up-on-his-business

have a read of this @Bickytoria20 lots of parallels to your situation.

@Bickytoria20 Also, if you feel it could go 50/50...how is he going to afford this with no job?!! You have the upper hand here.
You are stronger than you realise 💐

I did love him but don’t think I do anymore. I always hoped we could fix it with therapy and we could learn to love each other again.
i am so pleased you found happiness. Well done for leaving- you were very brave. We have been together 9 years yesterday and only married 3.

Is he actually going to take on 50% of care for your DD realistically?

Does he do half of everything now or does him having her for two days a week amount to looking after her, but you do pretty much everything else?

Well that’s the thing, he could get a job. If he really needed to, he could. He is very skilled and has extremely high earning potential. If he really needed to, he absolutely could get a job. Even when he did work, he hardly did any work and managed to get away with it. Very unfair really!

Can you ask your mum to divert the childcare money towards other bills and have your DH become a SAHD for a couple of years until he feels ready to go back to work?

Thanks for the support, and yes I’ll give it a read.

Yes, I had not thought of this- thanks for the suggestion. However I suspect that won’t he greeted by my mum with much enthusiasm as she is already asking herself why she is paying for childcare when he is not working. In truth it is because we didn’t want to lose the place (a good one is gold dust) and also he wasn’t supposed to ever be off this long!

I think he would, but it would look like childcare. So us divorcing would mean more childcare for her. I don’t know if would be able to go part time to look after her without financial support. (Which is what I was doing before the sabbatical).

@Bickytoria20 If necessary, you'd get topped up with UC. It's definitely manageable working pt. How much do you earn if you don't mind me asking?

So Let me get this straight…. in the event of a divorce he would get a job to spite you and get 50% custody of your DD, but within his marriage he won’t get a job to support you and DD 100% of the time and maintain a stable family life and home.

I suppose if I’d had 6 months off to do my hobby and got used to being looked after I’d be reluctant to get back to work too. Sounds like he needs to grow up!

And no he does not do half of the domestic chores. He washes the laundry (but is incapable of putting away) and sometimes does the washing up. I do all the cooking and most of the washing up. I do the family admin. I clean the bathroom/toilets and he admittedly bough robot hoovers that also mop so no one does that anymore.
it just be added that he does do all the DIY. He retrofitted and renovated a part of our house himself. However this was to build basically a man cave, so how much this has really benefitted me or our DD, is debateable.

I asked him to take on a greater share of chores whilst unemployed but he basically refuses.
I actually think my work load might stay the same if we separated. Hilariously his would skyrocket.

Great to hear that these thoughts in my head are not unfounded!

£49k.

@Bickytoria20 Whatever you do, don't suggest divorce is an option. Because no way is he then going to get a well-paid job.
My ex was earning 26k pa the year I filed. And about £100k plus the year after.
Quite.

I'm sorry OP, you must be finding this really hard. You are very strong and sound like a good mother.

Is he claiming job seekers allowance? From my understanding the ‘new’ system in place isn’t means-tested and is paid for up to 6 months.

Once on it, your DH will need to prove he is actively looking for a job, they set targets etc..

Could be a way to bring in a bit of extra money, and give him the kick-up the butt he needs to start job hunting.

@Bickytoria20 That's way more than I was (and still do!) earn. I was a pt primary teacher coming out with around £1,200 pm. Ex-husband changed locks on marital home so had to privately rent until court on that. Still doable.
Would he leave the home do you think?

I certainly wouldn’t encourage him to become a SAHD - he’s already not pulling his weight and not doing his share of housework etc - imagine the resentment you’d feel from being sole earner and supporting this lazy man. It would also put you in a weaker position in a divorce settlement. I’m normally all for SAHP but only if both parties are equally content with the arrangement.

Oh my god what an arsehole. That must have made you furious. And yes that is exactly the kind of thing I am worried about.

Agree, plus it would make him more likely to claim he's the primary carer and get more custody, then OP would end up having to pay him maintenance.

Thank you so much. That’s so kind of you to say.

Gosh my worst nightmare. I’m so sorry this happened to you. How did you cope?

i think in the event of separation I would leave the home. He is very emotionally invested in it as he renovated it. I am more resilient than him so I know it would just work out like that.

Yes very good point. I don’t think I can trust him to pull his weight domestically as he has already proven to me he won’t lift a finger

Thanks for the warning. That would be unimaginable.