AIBU to refuse using my savings if DH will not job hunt?

[Bickytoria20]

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AIBU to refuse to use my savings to support DH when he won’t job hunt?

My DH will run out of money in about 6 weeks and still hasn’t started looking for a job. He wants me to use my savings to give him more time. I’ve said no, as I don’t think it’s fair – by that point he’ll have had around 8 months off and has done precisely nothing in terms of job hunting.

I see my savings as an emergency fund, not something to fund an extended break. He, however, thinks that if I don’t use them, I’m effectively abandoning him and not supporting him as his wife.

He says he’s depressed and needs more time off. I do believe he’s struggling, but he can’t say how long he needs, and originally said he’d only take 1–2 months before looking again. I’ve tried to be supportive, but it feels like the only support he considers valid is financial.

What makes this harder is that he spends basically all his time working on a personal coding project he’s been doing throughout his sabbatical. It clearly requires focus and skill, so I struggle to accept that he’s incapable of job hunting or working at all.

Background:
• He’s currently in month 6 of a sabbatical after his contract (software engineer) ended.
• Reasons for the break were:

1. His mental health declined, partly due to strain in our relationship while he was the main breadwinner during my maternity leave (our DD is now 21 months).
2. He wanted more time with our DD as he didn’t get paternity leave (he now looks after her 2 days a week).
3. He planned to do various DIY jobs (extension, garden fence, etc.).

To be fair, he has continued paying his share of the bills and mortgage from his savings, which he built up beforehand. But those savings are now almost gone.

So… AIBU to draw the line and refuse to use my savings to give him more time?

Just to add, I feel the same about women who don't work - it's not to do with the fact he's a bloke.

How can he expect to share your money now if he wont share his money when he is earning?

Very, very serious action is needed. You need to put the house up for sale and look for a new place to live. 5 months of savings is not a lot of time, you don't want to default on your mortgage.

I think you have been in denial about how useless he is.

Because if we get divorced I will only see my DD half the time and that would break me.

So he hates the idea of pooling money, but is annoyed that you won’t let him use your savings? 🤔

So your daughter growing up with this is best for her?

Even if he was offered a job tomorrow, it could be a couple of months before he starts, then another until he's paid.

He may feel that the work or rates available at the moment are beneath him, and he's actually not interested in working at the moment. The industry has changed a lot recently and to be frank, he's not very employable, whatever his skillset. The way he's spending his time may be okay if he was young and on a gap year, but not as a professional software engineer. Quite frankly he's up against a lot of skilled and keen people and with his recent history, he's unlikely to be chosen ahead of other candidates. He needed to have been looking for a job before leaving his last one. The usual situation would have been to use his network to secure another position before he had an employment gap. The fact that he didn't do this suggests that he doesn't want to work or that he knows that it's going to be more effort than he wants to spend on job hunting.

All that is to say, he needs to start working now. Any job will do. He's acting like a single man and shirking his family responsibilities.

Regarding the depression, how much effort is he putting into helping himself? It's certainly interesting that he has the motivation to do this side project at the moment. Make sure you're not putting more effort into helping him than he is himself.

Also, if he was contracting then he may have hmrc to contend with if he's shirking his tax bill.

@Bickytoria20 I do understand that - I left my ex-husband (controlling) when my kids were just 3 and 6 and it was court-ordered 50/50 - it has been harder than I could ever have imagined.
But...the big questions you have to ask yourself is do you love him and are you happy?
I don't regret leaving when I did because I was "young" enough to start over, build my life back, and found someone to marry who genuinely loves and respects me.

Sorry to hear you’ve been out of a job for so long.
The discussion before all this started was about the money he had saved to cover his sabbatical. Neither of us admitted to ourselves that his sabbatical would outlast his savings, foolishly.
And yes you’re absolutely right that even if he found a job tomorrow, it could take months to on board. I tried to tell him that tonight. He seems to think he could just start tomorrow.

Yes but in those situations it’s generally a decision made together as a family that for whatever reason it is best for the family and mutually agreed. And it’s financially feasible. OP has said she can not afford to support her husband and pay for everything on her salary and savings will run out in 5 months. She clearly hasn’t agreed for her partner to be a SAHD. So no it’s not the same as lots of women who stay home and are supported by their husbands financially.

Well yes exactly. However he sees it more that if I want to share, I should be prepared to share now (my savings). Otherwise I am being a hypocrite!

So he hates the idea of sharing his money but is unhappy you won’t share all yours?

Not definitely not best. I don’t want her to grow up thinking these kinds of interactions or ways of working are normal. But she will still be exposed to him. If I am not there, it will be his ideas, but undiluted. I find it a very difficult situation.

After 8 months he should take any job - agency, retail, pub etc. Don't pool all your money you need to retain control of your savings when he lets you down so he doesn'
t just spend them

Thank you for the reality check. I might mention that to DH.

So he feels what's yours is his and what's his is his too...

What a prince.

I'd be seeking legal advice. I'd also be finding a pla e in a nursery for DD for the two days he looks after her, even if it means paying for that out of your savings.

@mathanxiety Not being funny, but a lot of women see it as exactly that! Not that I agree with it.

My husband made one of these , used it about half a dozen times and then sold it on but the coding was already done and downloadable to a Pi if I remember correctly - anyway he’s wasting his time and now your money potentially. Sounds like he is hiding from his mental health issues - at the very least he should have explored help from GP and could in that time have been in a much better mental state.

He doesn't know what the word hypocrite means.

It's one thing to have real money to share. But he's talking about hypothetical money. It's really easy to share your hypothetical money and try to shame your wife into spending her real money supporting your lazy, workshy arse.

Thanks for your comments. His depression is the reason he didn’t get a job right away. He did need a break, and I totally supported that. It has been a great opportunity for him to spend quality time with our DD too. However it is obviously going on too long now.

Re helping himself, he had a therapist for about 9 months. He stopped last week because his is running out of money, and also because he didn’t find it helpful. We also have a couples therapist too. Not sure any of it is getting through though.

re contract- I remember it was actually a fixed term contract as an employee not a contractor so no issues with HMRC, fortunately.

Don't 'mention' it.

Sit him down and tell him this is the reality you are facing, and this is what now has to be done.

must be more common than I thought to make one of these!

Has he seen a doctor, been disgnosed, and is he taking anti depressants?

Is he setting you up to pay him child support if you separate?

@mathanxiety If care is 50/50 then neither party pay maintenance.

Lol at "sabatical".

I would tell the lazy fucker that he gets or job or the house will be going up for sale and you will only be housing yourself and your DC going forwards. I agree with Math's comment about extra nursery days. The last thing you want is this pillock claiming to be the primary carer. You will leave him in the end. I think you know this really.