AIBU to refuse using my savings if DH will not job hunt?

[Bickytoria20]

⸻

AIBU to refuse to use my savings to support DH when he won’t job hunt?

My DH will run out of money in about 6 weeks and still hasn’t started looking for a job. He wants me to use my savings to give him more time. I’ve said no, as I don’t think it’s fair – by that point he’ll have had around 8 months off and has done precisely nothing in terms of job hunting.

I see my savings as an emergency fund, not something to fund an extended break. He, however, thinks that if I don’t use them, I’m effectively abandoning him and not supporting him as his wife.

He says he’s depressed and needs more time off. I do believe he’s struggling, but he can’t say how long he needs, and originally said he’d only take 1–2 months before looking again. I’ve tried to be supportive, but it feels like the only support he considers valid is financial.

What makes this harder is that he spends basically all his time working on a personal coding project he’s been doing throughout his sabbatical. It clearly requires focus and skill, so I struggle to accept that he’s incapable of job hunting or working at all.

Background:
• He’s currently in month 6 of a sabbatical after his contract (software engineer) ended.
• Reasons for the break were:

1. His mental health declined, partly due to strain in our relationship while he was the main breadwinner during my maternity leave (our DD is now 21 months).
2. He wanted more time with our DD as he didn’t get paternity leave (he now looks after her 2 days a week).
3. He planned to do various DIY jobs (extension, garden fence, etc.).

To be fair, he has continued paying his share of the bills and mortgage from his savings, which he built up beforehand. But those savings are now almost gone.

So… AIBU to draw the line and refuse to use my savings to give him more time?

Thank you so much for telling me your story. Yes this does sound very similar. I’m sorry for what you have been through.

Well I guess if the roles were reversed, it would just be normal life for most people. That's the traditional family model. I just don't like it. He's very dedicated to me and does everything I ask other than get a job. The bigger issue really is that I've lost respect for him as a result. So it's much more likely I will leave.

I’d be leaving. It sounds like you are more than capable and would cope well, especially with support from your mum.

You don’t love him, he sounds like he’s happy to leech off you and not contribute. That isn’t a partner, mental health or not.

I got stuck at "he hates the idea of sharing money" but he is more than happy to use your savings to fund his chilling time? How does that work then?!

@Switcher Do you mean you think it's acceptable for a man to work and a woman not to, but not the other way around?

As you are choosing it to be.

Why?

OP he needs to be claiming job seekers! He could have been claiming all this time if he was a fixed term employee.

I hear you about the divorce and split parenting thing. Also if you divorce him he gets half your savings!!
At the end of the day, you are going to have to use your savings if it gets to the end of the 5 months and he must realise that. Its like giving you an ultimatum.

Tell him he needs to sign up for job seekers and you want to see he is actually spending his non childcare time job searching. Software engineer jobs are quite common and he could be earning plenty.

You need to put your foot down here OP. Tell him that if you have to use your savings it will be a loan to him that he can gradually pay back from his paycheck (maybe not month for month).
Me and my husband save separately. We split tbe bills as per our earnings % wise, then we both put an equal amount into a joint savings then the rest is for us to do whatever.

If you get him to the jobseekers then he gets sanctioned/money stopped if he doesnt actually job search so might give him a kick up the arse - id be putting ALL his JSA towards the bills.

@Bickytoria20

I’ve read all your updates.

DO NOT use your savings to enable his disengagement with family life and denial of taking responsibility for his role and his depression.

Nothing changes unless something changes. He sounds innately self focused and selfish.

Your mum is not wrong, but I get your logic.

If his time off work was actually like your mat leave, I can guarantee he’d be back working already!!

I wonder how well the DIY would have gone if it wasn’t solely for him…

Even your therapist suggested you separate - that would not have been done lightly. I understand your concerns if you were to.

You are going to need your saving to get yourself and child set up. Sooner rather than later!

He needs a wake up call.

Thank you for your comment. I think I should have been clearer about what our therapist said. He actually recommended we make a PLAN to separate so that if it will enable us to relax and better engage with therapy, rather than worry about the unknown. I guess the plan was the remove the fear of the unknown. He didn’t ’recommend we separate’. I feel like those things are quite distinct. Anyway I appreciate so much what you (and others) have said. I will try to be strong.

This might be a reach and I’m probably projecting but is your H significantly older than you? And/or did he have a significantly more senior/better paid job?

It sounds like you struggle to discuss difficult topics with him, which was very much my situation.
With the perspective of hindsight I can see there was a large power imbalance in my relationship and anything and everything was always on his terms. Any topic (whether it would be decorating the house, holidays or something important like finances and savings) would always be raised by me, I’d do all the background research, all the leg work and then he would say yes or no to whatever proposal it was.

Does this ring true?

I think you have seen that the general consensus is you don't use your savings and that he needs to search for a job.

You have until the end of April before he runs out of savings. I wondering it would be helpful to now start formulating a bit of a plan about what you would like to happen. Start with things that can be said and done in the next few weeks and in the next 3 or 4 months.

@Bickytoria20 i can’t see that anyone has suggested this… ask your mum to stop paying for childcare and use your savings for that. Instead ask your mum to save the money she would have given you but in her name.
This would do 2 things

1. force the issue to a resolution faster because your savings would run out
2. ring-fence post-separation funds for you (if it comes to that) that your husband would have no legal right to access

sorry but he sounds like a selfish and petulant man-baby so I can’t see you have a future together. I hope it works out for you x

8 months is a long time to have off work and it gets harder to get back into work the longer it goes on. Work is good for your mental health, self esteem, relationships etc. could you negotiate a compromise, set some boundaries, eg you could provide one month’s financial back up if he makes and follows a realistic plan for job hunting, mental health and household tasks?

I agree with this .. everyone should have savings that belong to themselves especially women keep that independence you will grow to resent your husband if he doesn't make moves now to deal with his mental health he is probably feeling this way due to not going to work.
I think he sounds like he wants to be a house husband and be with your child rather than go to work.

No I'm saying society finds it acceptable, so there's nothing actually wrong with being a single income household, just because the roles are reversed. It's that I never agreed to us being a single income household - and now I'm not entirely sure how he even gets a job given the market, after this long out of it.

Ah yes, sorry, plan for it, that is what you said.

Making the plan is a good way, as you say to remove the fear of the unknown, and to gain a sense of empowerment, also, normally, to help focus the priorities.

It doesn’t sound like the couples therapy is going very well though, nor did his individual therapy (which I’m surprised he was allowed to do at the same time, ethically it is advised against). He could try for NHS therapy, ideally he should have got on the wait list and had private while waiting, as the NHS waits are long.

I’m a psychological therapist, although granted not trained in couples work. I’ll be honest, part of me wonders if this was the therapist’s covert way of suggesting you get your ducks in a row. But they obviously can’t say that in the session.

Ultimately, people stay in a relationship if they don’t see they would be better off either with someone else or on their own…. 🤷‍♀️

Tough either way.

Good luck!

So you use your savings until they run out then what?? When with my EH we pooled money for all house/kid stuff then kept any left over. I saved he spent that was his choice. He was off 6 months with "stress" which miraculously ended when his full sick pay was ending. Things got bad aftet that and we divorced and Im glad I had money to help me move on. Do not use your savings because he will mot use that tome to look for work if he hasn't done so already. You need a good talk, plan about getting out of the rut he is in and his plan to getting back to supporting the family as you are.

put the house on the market immediately as suggested by someone already, this will focus his mind very quickly re lack of money / job as he will need to realise the mortgage is unaffordable with him lazing around and not working

and it enables you to start planning a separation...

@Switcher I do agree that society often agrees with it the other way around (although as a feminist I strongly don't), but as you say - that requires both parties to agree on it.
When one party hasn't or doesn't then of course it is going to be an issue.

This.
Even if he won't discuss the future or what will happen when the money runs out. You can't let his refusal to engage stop you from acting.

Presumably the mortgage is in shared names, so it is your credit score at risk if you default on the mortgage.
Get that house on the market ASAP, because it may take more than five months to complete and get the funds, meanwhile you have to pay the mortgage.

If he miraculously gets a job, you can take it off the market - though personally I think this marriage is dead (from what you have written) so you would only be delaying the inevitable.

Looking at it from a distance.. here's what I think is going on.

He resents having to "fund" you and sharing his earnings when you were on maternity leave.

He thought to himself, what's good for the goose is good for the gander. I think I will have a little sabbatical and she can "fund" me. Ill have my turn.
He's enjoyed himself at home. You are working and paying for everything and he has no incentive to get back to work. He knows you have another five months of savings.... so he thinks he will take another five months on your dime and will immediately get a new job when he feels the time is right. In the meantime, he's not doing any extra housework, admin or DIY as promised.

That's a pretty good sabbatical

Under NO Circumstances would I let him think he can spend your savings on lazying around. Its not depression or mental health its absolute lazy selfishness. And calling you a hypocrite because you took time that the law of the land has agreed is your right to give birth and nurture a newborn, his newborn, is disgusting.

You seem to be the only person in this relationship who realises that your savings are a lifeline. And five months is a reasonable, but also a small safety net. They should not be depleted for such a stupid, ill thought out and basically selfish reason.
I can tell you from experience, anything unexpected can happen that could have you counting your blessings for having that small fighting fund, redundancy, illness, bereavement, medical issues, accidents, car failure. I very much hope it doesn't, but not having any safety net can be extremely worrying even if

Remind him that those savings are in place for his child's security. Not for his sabbatical and you may be forced to use them up because of his illusion that he can get a job the next day. (I'd be privately thinking that there is no way I'd allow someone who hoarded their own finances whilst you were pregnant and before, to think they had a right to decide what happens to my emergency funds. because how generous is he going to be when he does resume work?

He needs to start job hunting now and pursue his personal development schemes at the weekend, grow up and remember he has a child to raise and provide security for
I think I'd be absolutely furious with his irresponsibility - he's acting like a feckless teenager.

Sadly, as he has shown resentful traits, I think even if you do stand firm on the savings, (which you absolutely should) he sounds like the type to resent having to go back to work before he was ready and to start whining that you forced him back before he was ready. If that does happen I doubt he'd be ready to share anything once you were in funds again. Sorry OP, he needs to grow up fast.

@Bickytoria20 The job markets is so tough right now, he should have been looking for a job before his contract even ended, it is so much easier to get a job when you already have a job. Any CV gap looks so bad to companies at the moment, even if it's for family reasons. He is a bit screwed to be honest. I'm really sorry OP.

I wish people would stop offering their opinion on other people's money habits! My husband and I found it easier to just share but then I never felt like I had my money to be able to buy him a present 'from me' so we found a way that suited us. I don't judge others for their way of doing things, I don't find it weird/odd/strange that what is suitable for me is not for others. Stop judging!

I’d send him back to live with his parents if he can’t be an adult! At least then you can claim universal credit to help with everything he’s not!

Hmmm no he is only one year older than me, but there was a significant disparity in our earnings- his last salary earned him triple what I was on. This caused more problems than it was ever worth because he continued to insist on paying 50/50 for everything. Therapy brought us to the agreement of the trial to pool our money, but obviously that hasn’t happened yet as he now has no job. Although he wanted it to happen whilst he was off (as in, I would be paying for everything because he wouldn’t have a salary) and told me I was hypocritical for not wanting to do that. Unbelievable.