I think DH should give up on his business

[changedmynameagainforthis]

I’ve posted about this a few years ago. DH quit his job at the end of 2022 after a serious health thing and deciding he wanted to do something completely different. He’s now working as something like a therapist (being vague as outing).

The problem is he is not earning anything enough. When we take into account his business costs we are in the minus for the current tax year.

I work full time with a baby and 2 older primary age children. Earning around 60k. We have a hefty mortgage, so DH has asked his parents to help us out while “he finds his feet with the business”. They have given us thousands and thousands of pounds. I am super uncomfortable about it, but I can’t support a family of 5 by myself with the costs we have. They contribute about 1/3 of our household costs at present. I pay 2/3.

Here is the problem. I think DH should get a job and pay his own way. DH thinks there is no problem, everything is paid for, so why should he.

In a way he is correct, everything is paid for. But I am so resentful. I hate having most of the responsibility, whilst also doing all the baby night wakings (DH can’t because of health condition…). When I got pregnant with baby the aim was I’d go back to work part time. That obviously hasn’t happened.

I don’t know how to get him to see that this isn’t working for me. Anyone got a way of making him see that his parents paying his way isn’t ok? Or am I missing the point entirely and he’s right?! Last time we discussed it he fobbed me off and suggested I’m only with him for money

Flip the genders and a husband telling his wife to get a proper job despite her ill health would be flamed.

His parents paying his way is between him and them. If he had to leave his job due to ill health, is it realistic for him to get another job?

Will his parents expect to be paid back?

If he feels ok with parents paying then I’d leave that for now - that sense of independence (or not!) is pretty inherent I reckon and will be difficult to change.

I’d focus on the impact on YOU directly in carrying all the burden and the childcare and the expectations that you would be able to be part time in order to manage everything.

Can you arrange a day / afternoon off and get childcare sorted - make it clear to him that this is a VERY important conversation and not something that he can fob off.

The go through the figures with him.

Go through the parenting / housekeeping load and who does what.

And he either agrees to take A LOT off the ‘logistics’ plate (seeing as he isn’t contributing anything to the ‘financials’ plate OR agrees to look for a job.

To be clear, he can work fine, he has chosen not to continue in his old job because he decided a YOLO approach to life was better.

How long has his business been going? When does he expect to make a profit?

Also yes the day to day bills are covered but there’s nothing spare for nice things which is possibly making me annoyed

If his business isn’t providing an income after 3 years then it’s a hobby.

He needs to find a job that he can do, unless he sees sponging off his parents as a long term plan.
Personally I’d struggle to maintain any respect for him if that’s the case, I would find it a total turn off.

Since early 2023, so 3 years.

He says things are improving, but I have yet to see that. I’m not confident it will make a profit.

Last time we discussed it he fobbed me off and suggested I’m only with him for money

Did you laugh in his face?

I mean, that's ridiculous when you're the breadwinner.

I think this is the issue. I am losing respect. Part of the problem was the unplanned pregnancy which I almost didn’t go through with but he promised he’d be making money by the time baby was here. Muddled through maternity leave using up the last of the savings. She’s 18 months now and we are no closer to an income.

No I don’t think so.

Yes I see your point, but it’s not that he can’t work, it’s that he decided he didn’t want a proper job.

Handy that he has a health condition that specifically precludes him from doing night wakings.

Is he working full-time at this business? Or is he just doing it when he feels like it?

Well can you propose you downsize? Then when he sees his meal ticket ending maybe he will get a job that contributes more than he is now?
Or show him the YOLO thing only works because you subsidise it so he can.
He is basically a grifter.

I'd be leaving

God he's Gona be a life coach, isnt he?

He would say full time. I’d say in that “full time” he finds quite a lot of time for walking the dog, going to the gym and other hobbies. He puts in a couple of solid hours a day.

It’s something like this.

This really all depends what his health condition is and how serious.
is it that he can get a job, but won’t? If so, then that’s abhorrently selfish of him.
is he capable of looking after the baby and is he doing so?
Because if he’s capable, but not, so you’re paying for nursery, then obviously that’s absurd?

if he’s ‘working’ all day at a job that brings in no money, then you should use the correct language - it’s a hobby.
assuming he can get some kind of job..you have just asked us if it’s ok that you do absolutely everything and fund your husband doing his hobby all day.
which is patently ridiculous

We can’t really downsize in this area with 3 kids unfortunately

When he has a proper job, what was his ratio of the household bills compared to yours? Because of day to him, if he wants to do what he is doing now, he still has to cover what he was previously

Leave leave leave

Resentment will kill your relationship stone dead if you're lucky, op. If you're not, it'll drag on with you getting more and more contemptuous of him. And no-one wants to be that person.

Stop letting him shut you down with outrageous bollocks that you're only after money.

A health condition that allows him to go to the gym and walk the dog, but he can’t do any night wakings with the baby?

He’s surely taking the piss?