AIBU to refuse using my savings if DH will not job hunt?

[Bickytoria20]

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AIBU to refuse to use my savings to support DH when he won’t job hunt?

My DH will run out of money in about 6 weeks and still hasn’t started looking for a job. He wants me to use my savings to give him more time. I’ve said no, as I don’t think it’s fair – by that point he’ll have had around 8 months off and has done precisely nothing in terms of job hunting.

I see my savings as an emergency fund, not something to fund an extended break. He, however, thinks that if I don’t use them, I’m effectively abandoning him and not supporting him as his wife.

He says he’s depressed and needs more time off. I do believe he’s struggling, but he can’t say how long he needs, and originally said he’d only take 1–2 months before looking again. I’ve tried to be supportive, but it feels like the only support he considers valid is financial.

What makes this harder is that he spends basically all his time working on a personal coding project he’s been doing throughout his sabbatical. It clearly requires focus and skill, so I struggle to accept that he’s incapable of job hunting or working at all.

Background:
• He’s currently in month 6 of a sabbatical after his contract (software engineer) ended.
• Reasons for the break were:

1. His mental health declined, partly due to strain in our relationship while he was the main breadwinner during my maternity leave (our DD is now 21 months).
2. He wanted more time with our DD as he didn’t get paternity leave (he now looks after her 2 days a week).
3. He planned to do various DIY jobs (extension, garden fence, etc.).

To be fair, he has continued paying his share of the bills and mortgage from his savings, which he built up beforehand. But those savings are now almost gone.

So… AIBU to draw the line and refuse to use my savings to give him more time?

Hmm it does start to sound like he’s sort of doing this to punish you or prove a point. “Ok if you want us to have access to each others earnings then I’ll make sure I’m never the one earning more”.

Fuck me, the man's an utter cunt.

Sounds like he's neither working nor being the childcare for his wife so no I don't think this is the same.

Just fuck him off op. Fundamentally, he thinks he matters and you don’t, you’re there to provide funding and services. There is no way I would pay for him.

So he will happily share your money when he’s off after years of making you struggle because he refused to share his?

He won’t change because he values his money and keeping you financially dependent and subservient above your happiness and your relationship.

You need to talk to a lawyer. I'd consider moving out with your DD so that he can't claim to be the primary parent and putting the house on the market.

He sounds like such a selfish arsehole.

If you can do this, I would.

This.

Wow.…

You are the very definition of an abused woman in an abusive relationship IMO.
He 100% doesn't love you for a minute.
I really hope you wake up to that one day and reach out for support.

his last salary earned him triple what I was on. This caused more problems than it was ever worth because he continued to insist on paying 50/50 for everything.

That is classed as financial abuse @Bickytoria20 , and he is continuing to abuse you in other ways. Controlling, manipulation, belittling. Look up emotional abuse as well as financial then get the hell out of there. He won't change for the better but he WILL break you.

House on market by Easter and go.

From the quote above, it almost seems that he is in "cutting off his nose to spite his face" mode.
ie... he's not going to go back to work and is forgoing earning triple your wage until he's extracted his five months of your savings for his upkeep. He sees this as his right because you needed support whilst on maternity leave.

If he does go back to work, he will have more control as you will have exhausted your savings and he will still be weighing up the disparity in your incomes, despite the fact that you both have a child.

Give. Those.savings.to your. Mum. For safe keeping before he bleeds u dry and u have no money or way to leave if u need to.

he doesn’t think he needs a lifeline. Because the child is the ops problem and he can get a job anytime if he needs it, which won’t be until after he’s bled the op dry, draining her lifeline. Then he would refuse to share money, probably say something about her attitude over supporting him shows she doesn’t want to share money. He’s on a mission to wipe out the ops independence and options and get revenge.

You sound as if your already starting the fight over finances before the divorce.
His not having a job is a way to ensure you get nothing, although you can always go back to court.

You don't sound married. You aren't a team. Get the house on the market, make sure the proceeds are split BY THE SOLICITOR into your separate accounts.

Gradually move stuff out or sell it. Take out cash and give to your mum to look after. Repay your mum. Pay the rest into childcare upfront.

Stay with your mum when the house is sold. Look glum. Rejoice inside. File for divorce. Children's act is different.

Mate come on
Your MOTHER is paying for 2 days of childcare AND providing 1 day of childcare whilst your child's FATHER sits around playing video games.....
How are any of you ok with that?????
Wake up

Surely if he's not working he should look after dd 5 days a week. If she's not yet 2 she doesn't need to go to nursery. That would save a lot of nursery.

• fees/money

If/when they split, this may just lead to him being seen as the main carer and being entitled to a greater share of marital assets and possibly spousal maintenance though.