AIBU to refuse using my savings if DH will not job hunt?

[Bickytoria20]

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AIBU to refuse to use my savings to support DH when he won’t job hunt?

My DH will run out of money in about 6 weeks and still hasn’t started looking for a job. He wants me to use my savings to give him more time. I’ve said no, as I don’t think it’s fair – by that point he’ll have had around 8 months off and has done precisely nothing in terms of job hunting.

I see my savings as an emergency fund, not something to fund an extended break. He, however, thinks that if I don’t use them, I’m effectively abandoning him and not supporting him as his wife.

He says he’s depressed and needs more time off. I do believe he’s struggling, but he can’t say how long he needs, and originally said he’d only take 1–2 months before looking again. I’ve tried to be supportive, but it feels like the only support he considers valid is financial.

What makes this harder is that he spends basically all his time working on a personal coding project he’s been doing throughout his sabbatical. It clearly requires focus and skill, so I struggle to accept that he’s incapable of job hunting or working at all.

Background:
• He’s currently in month 6 of a sabbatical after his contract (software engineer) ended.
• Reasons for the break were:

1. His mental health declined, partly due to strain in our relationship while he was the main breadwinner during my maternity leave (our DD is now 21 months).
2. He wanted more time with our DD as he didn’t get paternity leave (he now looks after her 2 days a week).
3. He planned to do various DIY jobs (extension, garden fence, etc.).

To be fair, he has continued paying his share of the bills and mortgage from his savings, which he built up beforehand. But those savings are now almost gone.

So… AIBU to draw the line and refuse to use my savings to give him more time?

So he doesn’t look for work and your mum funds your child’s nursery costs? 🤯
Nah, he needs to gather up his self-respect and man up.

Its strange how this all started while you were on maternity leave and he was upset about not having the time with his daughter - you’d think he’d want more time with her than two days if that’s the case. And being upset about being the breadwinner? Except you were in maternity leave! Sounds more like he resented he still had to go to work and saw you as having ‘time off’. Well, he’s managed to reverse your roles and force you into the breadwinner role - except of course he’s not doing anywhere near as much childcare and house chores as you were at the time or as much housework as you are now.

Some men get super resentful when they have to step up as a father and take on that responsibility - so they just…don’t. I don’t see him as being a responsible father at all, he’s not even doing his share to ease the load and share it fairly nor has he lifted a finger to make improvements to the house that benefit the entire family, only himself.

He’s forcing you into mummying him as well as your daughter by lazing about like a teen and then demanding mum pays for extra time off - again lots of men do this when they actually have to sacrifice something and work hard for a family. The early years are tough and he’s copping out and forcing you to carry the load for everyone. Deeply selfish.

I would be repaying everything from your mum so that money is beyond his reach.
He intends to bleed you dry.
You will be left to provide and house this baby, not him.
Tell your mother the truth.
Get planning.
Can you move to your mum's for a while?

He needs to start seriously job hunting immediately. Like you say, you do have some savings, but they won’t last more than 5 months. He may be lucky and get a job immediately, but it could take months. Unfortunately he doesn’t have the luxury of waiting. I understand he’s facing challenges, but he’s not helping himself or you by.putting it off.

@Kettless idea of repaying your mum is perfect. if she happens to gift it to you when you are a single mum so much the better

Then separate. A therapist has told you to make a plan to do this. Why wait? The longer you wait the worse your financial position will be. He clearly has no intention of looking for work. Don’t spend your limited time and energy begging him to find something. Just end it.

Otherwise you’re just putting off the inevitable. And if he doesn’t look after DD properly now he won’t be interested in 50-50 if you split.

If you pool all your savings together, how do you utilise your ISA allowances?

I couldn’t stay in this relationship as it currently is. He needs to find any full time job and see a therapist at the same time. He’s using you. Do not touch your savings.

Talk to your mum. I’ll bet she’s delighted to be funding his lazy arse. Sabbatical my foot.
He clearly has no intention of ever being a responsible husband and father, he has been fannying about at his hobby while you have been working. All he can manage is two days a week child care an occasional wash load and occasionally washing up.
He may say he wants 50/50 after a divorce but he doesn’t do anything like that now so won’t do it when he has to.

I'd be very careful about you being the one to leave the home. If he's not working, how would he afford the mortgage? If it needed to be sold anyway, then why should he be the one to stay in it temporarily rather than you?
He could also make it very difficult to sell, by not engaging with the process etc. including making it look very unattractive and uncared for in terms if he doesn't do any housework.
He's being incredibly selfish and I don't think I really buy the ongoing MH- it sounds more like laziness. I'm sorry to say this, but I think it's going to end in divorce further down the line- probably when you have debts due to him still not working.
I think you're trying to be too reasonable and may be in denial about separation being the likely outcome. In your shoes, I'd be planning (however reluctantly) for a divorce sooner rather than later.
Also, I'd ensure that the money your mother is currently providing becomes a loan rather than an ongoing gift, so is repayable by both of you in the event of separation and house sale etc. She can then gift it to you if she wants post divorce.

The fact that you’re using “I,” “mine,” and “his” instead of “we” already says everything. You don’t sound like a married couple—you sound like roommates.

I’m not sure why you expect communication or mutual respect to work when you clearly don’t see yourselves as a team. Situations like this require compromise and effort from both sides, not just pointing fingers.

If he wants to stay home or is feeling depressed, have you even tried to look at it from his perspective? What if the roles were reversed? I don't think the comments here would be the same.

Honestly, the lack of support and respect between you two makes it unsurprising that he doesn’t listen. You’re not acting like partners—you’re acting like two people living separate lives.

Are your savings in a fixed term no access account? Because you could move them if not….

I disagree. If an OP came on here saying that she was on a sabbatical for her mental health, that she looked after her child for two days a week, that her husband worked full time and her MIL looked after the child for one day a week while also paying the fees for two days a week in nursery, that OP did no housework and was doing her hobby and not job hunting, she would have her arse handed to her.

He needs a rocket up his arse, full riot act. He’s taking the piss out of you royally. He either gets a job or he moves out. Why are you allowing passengers on your train? Not doing extra housework or life admin is an absolute joke.
I had a moment last week where I thought for about half an hour, my job MAY be in peril, I had a crisis talk with my husband, connected with a load of recruiters on LinkedIn etc. it was all fine, but to say I was motivated is an understatement, we’re not hard up and I have savings, but I’m not a parasite so…

I'd say, I'm happy to access our savings if you apply for three jobs a week, where you research the company properly and tailor your CV to the job spec. Because that really is work. It can take a day or more to prep a good job application. And if on the other two days he is caring for Dc or doing those promised DIY jobs. But don't run down your savings to let him wallow in a pattern of inertia. Something needs to rouse him from it.

So his money is his but he thinks your money should be joint money?
🤨

So he’s not comfortable sharing his money but he’s quite comfortable taking yours? What a joke. Tell him to get a job.

He probably doesn’t see it that way, and the reason is that they don’t have shared goals.

With my husband, we share everything. It doesn’t matter who earns more or works more—we have shared savings and the same dreams. That’s why if either of us lost our job, we’d be very motivated to find another one. We both want to contribute to our family’s future, and we don’t keep score over who contributes more.

I think they’re both in the wrong here. OP’s husband is probably testing her right now—she’s sitting on a pile of money, and he’s seeing how far he can push this behavior.

What would actually help is honest communication and a reset of financial expectations, not trying to “level” him or hide money like some people are suggesting here.

Nope you should have separate savings too. What if he drains the joint savings and disappears?

This is a monumental piss take.
Like absolutely epic.

Amazed he is depressed given he has fuckall responsibility and is doing whatever the fuck he likes with no thought to you....

You are in such a sticky situation.
If you make him actually look after your child he can claim he is primary carer.. I also agree he will also earn f-all while you divorce then get back on it after.

My (also unprofessional) opinion is you need to fight fire with fire and dont blink first.

I'd also agree with @Canitgetbetter
Say the house needs to go on the market you cannot afford this lifestyle.

I'd announce you are now "depressed" (because of him) so cant wash his clothes / cook for him etc.

Once he is back in stable work id be pursuing divorce.

Sorry but his reasons for his mental health decline I find incredible. I lost my husband and had two young children I still had to get up and work. But i suppose that’s the difference i didn’t have anyone to rely and he thinks he does.

Does he have ADHD? Sounds like he’s experiencing burnout and needs a career change more aligned to his natural interests.

In the meantime perhaps he could do 2-3 short term roles (6 weeks to 3 months max) a year which he might find allows him enough break time to avoid burnout and enough novelty to be productive at work.

Is he ‘getting you back’ for your maternity leave?

OMG are you married to my soon-to-be-ex-(D)H? Literally the same laughable division of labour… even down to the “does laundry but is incapable of putting away”. Seriously. Yes, his workload will skyrocket when you separate. Poor him.

LTB

Contribution based ‘New Style’ Employment and Support Allowance is based on NI contributions in the last two to three years before a claim starts, so if he’s worked full time and paid class 1 or 2 contributions within that time he should be eligible. It’s not means tested apart from any personal private pension income he may have, so your own income and any savings wouldn’t affect it, and payment is time limited to one year. He needs to get this sorted out because he will not currently be paying any NiI contributions and the gap will eventually affect his state pension and future eligibility for benefits.

Why did he not take sick leave?

DH currently off sick due to stress for six months on full pay from his employer. Why isn't yours doing similar?