AIBU to refuse using my savings if DH will not job hunt?

[Bickytoria20]

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AIBU to refuse to use my savings to support DH when he won’t job hunt?

My DH will run out of money in about 6 weeks and still hasn’t started looking for a job. He wants me to use my savings to give him more time. I’ve said no, as I don’t think it’s fair – by that point he’ll have had around 8 months off and has done precisely nothing in terms of job hunting.

I see my savings as an emergency fund, not something to fund an extended break. He, however, thinks that if I don’t use them, I’m effectively abandoning him and not supporting him as his wife.

He says he’s depressed and needs more time off. I do believe he’s struggling, but he can’t say how long he needs, and originally said he’d only take 1–2 months before looking again. I’ve tried to be supportive, but it feels like the only support he considers valid is financial.

What makes this harder is that he spends basically all his time working on a personal coding project he’s been doing throughout his sabbatical. It clearly requires focus and skill, so I struggle to accept that he’s incapable of job hunting or working at all.

Background:
• He’s currently in month 6 of a sabbatical after his contract (software engineer) ended.
• Reasons for the break were:

1. His mental health declined, partly due to strain in our relationship while he was the main breadwinner during my maternity leave (our DD is now 21 months).
2. He wanted more time with our DD as he didn’t get paternity leave (he now looks after her 2 days a week).
3. He planned to do various DIY jobs (extension, garden fence, etc.).

To be fair, he has continued paying his share of the bills and mortgage from his savings, which he built up beforehand. But those savings are now almost gone.

So… AIBU to draw the line and refuse to use my savings to give him more time?

@Bickytoria20 I am worried that both your DH and you believe that, when he does decide to look for a job, he will find one easily. It's just a question of him deciding when to look. That may have been the case in the past but the jobs market is really, really tricky right now. You only have 6.5 months until both his savings and yours run out - it could easily take him longer than that to find something, even if he starts looking now. You could end up in a very serious position OP.

I agree with this. I don’t want to panic you but… He needs to go back to his GP if his ADs are not working as they should, and be job hunting full time.

You need to read the riot act to DH. He's a software engineer. Spotify developers haven't written a single line of code since December. It's all AI generated now. Why the hell has he been writing code for 5 months and not asking AI to do it?
He's got a very limited shelf life as a developer writing code. The job market is very tough in IT at the moment. He'll be lucky if he gets a job quickly so he needs to look now and he may just find something in 5 months. And if he won't do this then as PP said you will be selling the house and moving to something smaller. He needs to wake up and smell the coffee

Mixed feelings. I don't think you can compare this to a SAHM either, as that is something both parties agree on. Both parties have not agreed here.

I think if he is struggling mentally and really can't work because of it, I'd feel quite differently if he was doing what he could to find help and support and get better. That's his responsibility. "In sickness and in health."

If he's not making any effort to see the doctor, get therapy and help, then I'd be less likely to be supportive.

Nonsense
This man sounds like a covert Narc who has had a tantrum because his wife has carried and birthed a child and took Mat Leave.
Have you actually read the Op?
Hes been building a game,like a 16 year old I know instead of behaving like an adult.

Op should divorce pronto

😮
Perhaps you should and very soon... ?

What an awful situation. So sorry you are going through this.

I think you should have two conversations with your DH. One where you get all your emotions across - tell him how scared and let down you feel, how angry, how disappointed. Don't bring in the practical matters, because it's too easy for those to get all muddled up in blame and tears, and then nothing changes. See how he reacts to exposure to your genuine strong feelings. That will tell you a lot.

Then, a day or two later, come in all calm and businesslike, and lay out the worst case scenario as you see it. "Here's what's going to happen. We'll put the house on the market on Monday. We can use X estate agents. Then we'll move in with Mum. We'll have to all sleep on the floor in her front room..."

Again, his reaction to that will alert you to his real state of mind - the nature of his depression, what he's actually frightened of - and maybe you might begin to see a way forward, with him or without him. I hope so.

Did you miss the update where OP confirmed that it’s he who insists on separate finances, which is why OP built up her own savings ? Or that not only has he not done any of the DIY and other projects he promised, but he does absolutely nothing around the house. If he has the concentration to work on his own complicated coding project then he’s clearly not depressed and should be looking for work - and he hasn’t even tried to claim benefits, which l suspect is because he knows he’d be compelled to job search.

You’re defending what sounds like a lazy and difficult man who seems to think he has the right to stay at home and exhaust their savings so he can tinker about, doing only what interests him, while OP shoulders the rest of the burden.

If he’s a techie the Tech market has been brutal for the last two years however it has massively picked up and there’s no reason why he couldn’t start a contract next Monday

I wouldn’t be pandering to him like this at all. It’s perfectly simple. If he doesn’t want to start serious job search immediately with the goal of getting back to work ASAP, then OP will start divorce proceedings.

So this is what modern marriage looks like? The moment something doesn’t go your way, you jump straight to divorce?

Yes, the husband is wrong—but OP isn’t blameless either. If you treat your husband like a child, why expect him to act like an adult?

People will treat you how you allow them to treat you. My husband would never get away with this for long—and more importantly, he wouldn’t want to. When you’re aligned and share the same goals, situations like this don’t keep happening.

It's not "modern marriage" that's the problem (as your own experience shows). It's the OP's DH being completely unreasonable.

Because he had no employer to pay him sick leave. He’s a contractor and his contract had ended so he decided to take a ‘sabbatical’ before looking for more work.

So while your hard earned money pays the bills. Your mums money pays for childcare. Your mum does a day childcare… He has a hobby three days a week.

This is a longer reply than the one I actually want to write, which is only four letters and an exclamation point. The letters are U C T N.

So basically OP is responsible for her DH’s behaviour ? Seriously ?

I suffered with severe depression for years, sometimes it was helped by medication and sometimes it wasn’t.

I still always managed to haul my ass out of bed to work and contribute to put food on the table and keep the lights on.

What happens five months from now when he’s still unemployed and the savings are gone? I’d be livid if I were you.

Not for me no
Been married a long time, compromise and working together here
However this man clearly has an agenda in destabilising his wifes finances, quite sinister actually.
It seems he will run down the family finances then leave , then skip back to work

Its pretty unforgiveable to do this to the mother of his childand his DD
Op needs to leave now

You clearly don’t understand what I’m saying. If my husband had a completely separate life from me (like op has financially and emotionally) I wouldn’t be trying this hard either.

This isn’t about being responsible for someone else. Marriage is about looking after each other, even when things get tough. That’s what being partners really means.

He sounds completely selfish, you would be better off on your own and I bet he won’t go for 50:50 childcare.

in the meantime is he on JSA / any govt top ups?

How is it pandering? He will absolutely hate hearing how badly he has let his wife down, how disappointed and furious she feels. But it will do her good to communicate that to him - why should she have to bury it all?

And his reaction to it will give OP useful information. If he gets defensive and starts attacking her in return, then forget it, there's no way forward. The relationship is basically dead.

If he gets remorseful and promises to change, there may be hope, and OP can use his remorse to extract some sort of commitment from him (eg GP appointment Asap, and we look for jobs online together this afternoon).

It's too complicated a situation to resolve with a simple ultimatum, imo. Unless all she really wants is to get shot of him. But then she wouldn't be posting on here.

I think you need a serious conversation about a deadline for him to have a job, otherwise the house goes on the market and you divorce.

It does seem like divorce is inevitable, in your shoes I would approach my employer to check the feasibility of a four day work week and sort out extra childcare for the other day. Get everything in order for when it happens.

That would be a dealbreaker for me. How lazy and unattractive. I don’t know you, but I know you deserve better.

I understand burnout, but he really should have been looking at either PT work short term while he 'recovers' (anything at all to at least be earning something) or looking at taking a step back in his field to something less intens(although it hardly sounds intense).

It's not OK to sit around doing nothing and expect you to foot the bill. It sounds like he's extremely lazy, childish and resentful thst you got mat leave. This man will forever be a second child to you, and while your DD will groe and learn independence, this dead weight never will.

Yuk. He sounds like he was jealous of your mat leave and 'covering for you' with the bills, so is now getting his 'year off' now. But without 80% of the child in tow.

I can't see a way out of this, apart from seperating?

This is no way for a partner to behave.

You need to put your DC’s interests first, not his wishes/demands. Your DC needs a stable home. Focus on that, and it should give you momentum. Basically you need to take control, not him. You say what needs to happen and by when. You say what will happen if he does not start earning a reasonable salary. He is taking the proverbial
massively.

I would discuss this with your mum and consider diverting money to her now for childcare otherwise he may take half of it in a divorce.

Stop calling this a sabbatical as it isn’t.