AIBU to refuse using my savings if DH will not job hunt?

[Bickytoria20]

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AIBU to refuse to use my savings to support DH when he won’t job hunt?

My DH will run out of money in about 6 weeks and still hasn’t started looking for a job. He wants me to use my savings to give him more time. I’ve said no, as I don’t think it’s fair – by that point he’ll have had around 8 months off and has done precisely nothing in terms of job hunting.

I see my savings as an emergency fund, not something to fund an extended break. He, however, thinks that if I don’t use them, I’m effectively abandoning him and not supporting him as his wife.

He says he’s depressed and needs more time off. I do believe he’s struggling, but he can’t say how long he needs, and originally said he’d only take 1–2 months before looking again. I’ve tried to be supportive, but it feels like the only support he considers valid is financial.

What makes this harder is that he spends basically all his time working on a personal coding project he’s been doing throughout his sabbatical. It clearly requires focus and skill, so I struggle to accept that he’s incapable of job hunting or working at all.

Background:
• He’s currently in month 6 of a sabbatical after his contract (software engineer) ended.
• Reasons for the break were:

1. His mental health declined, partly due to strain in our relationship while he was the main breadwinner during my maternity leave (our DD is now 21 months).
2. He wanted more time with our DD as he didn’t get paternity leave (he now looks after her 2 days a week).
3. He planned to do various DIY jobs (extension, garden fence, etc.).

To be fair, he has continued paying his share of the bills and mortgage from his savings, which he built up beforehand. But those savings are now almost gone.

So… AIBU to draw the line and refuse to use my savings to give him more time?

What is this nonsense I have just read, yes some families have a discussion and agree that one parent ( usually the mum to be fair) stays home to look after the child(ren) but they also do the majority of the housework, admin, DIY and save on child care costs. Your DH stays at home, spinning out some BS hobby to make himself seem busy, he looks after his child for only 2 days a week and does nothing else in the house.
He’s already sponging off your mum for 2 days a week childcare costs plus she looks after your wee one 1 day a week, then let me guess you do the majority of the care on the weekends or whenever you are home, because he is so tired?
He is already sucking your mum’s savings dry ( who’s probably doing it to help you out not to indulge him) don’t you feel guilty about this at all? Now he wants your savings as well to fund him for an extra amount of months pissing about. Me and my DH share all our finances but I’m glad that you don’t, use your money to separate from this useless waste of space your mum would probably be delighted to help you. No way would he go for 50/50 he can’t even do 50/50 now with you living in the same house.
Don’t wait til all your money is gone and he is still refusing to get a job and then you are stuck with no funds to get away.

a friend told me that UC doesn’t apply if you have a mortgage. So I don’t think we’d be eligible?

If his mental health is that bad he should claim universal credit unfit to work, or go on anti depressants. It's not fair to do nothing and rely on your savings.

Apart from anything else, being off work for a prolonged time is highly unlikely to be good for his depression.

But you don't love him, OP, and he doesn't really care about you or DD, so start planning your exit.

Yes, yes, and yes.

Our therapist has encouraged us to make a plan to separate but so far we have not, so no.

I don’t think so. I think I would start using my savings but as soon as I do, begin to make plans to separate. Arghhh.

@Bickytoria20 Oh he was. Financially it has been incredibly challenging and I'd like to say it's better over a decade on but...we're still in privately rented. Meanwhile, he has a house worth almost 1 million and complete with hot tub and swimming pool. It really is absolutely disgusting. The courts were a shitshow.
But I am immeasurably happier than I ever was married to him. I love my job, and I love my husband and my kids. I love going on little holidays whereas before I used to dread them.
Money can't buy happiness, that's for certain.
But... now I am free and actually, bloody powerful! 💪

Job seekers allowance is different to UC.

Also, your friend is incorrect. If you ever become single do some research on what you’ll be eligible for. It can help cover the interest of your mortgage and top-up your wages to cover living expenses.

But for now, check out the job-seekers al for your DH.

Will do. Thank you so much.

Our therapist has encouraged us to make a plan to separate but so far we have not

This is really concerning. Do you feel like talking about this?

I would be furious regarding his general work ethic & would be giving him a timescale ultimatum to start applying for a job. He could even advertise himself as a freelance consultant in his own particular field.

As far as separate finances within marriage, I can't comment. We have always had a one pot attitude where earnings & savings are concerned, regardless of who earns more. It works for us.

I can’t get over the fact that your mum is paying for him to not look after his own child 2 days a week and providing childcare herself on day 3 - while he builds a video game. Has your DH no shame?

Seems like he just wants to finish your savings
Like he doesn't want you to have any savings, is he trying to trap you or something so that it's hard for you to ever leave if needed?

Same, and to be brutally honest I can’t believe you are letting your poor mum pay your childcare fees. I wouldn’t be able to let myself let my mum do that, to effectively subsidise his choices. And yes they are choices, I’m not even convinced this man is clinically depressed.

You need to stop calling it a sabbatical. It’s not and never was. You need to refer to his gaming as a hobby as that is what it is. You need to immediately stop letting your mum pay childcare fees and you need to give this lazy man an ultimatum. Find a job or we split up.

If he's not in work and can only be bothered to look after her two days a week, this is not a man who will ever want 50:50.
I agree with pp that you need to put the house on the market now, because in 5 months time you aren't going to be able to pay the mortgage.
And I'd make it abundantly clear that HE is jeopardising your child's home and security.
If you don't do something soon, he will be claiming his 'mental health' means you need to keep him for life. Don't let him do that to you.
I'd be discussing divorce because this is no longer a partnership. He has abdicated his responsibilities and is taking you for a fool.

Sorry OP, but it's ultimatum time.

So sorry for you OP.
That is some lazy arsehole you had a baby with.
Tell your mother the truth.
I think the house needs to be sold.
You need to seperate.
Lazy arseholes get tired of childcare quickly.
You need to protect yourself and your daughter.
He will drain your savings and still be an arsehole.
I think you need to contact the bank and request a payment holiday while you sell the house.
Do not use your savings.
That is financial abuse.
He will bleed you dry and you will not see any of it back.
Tell your mother the truth.

My psychiatrist (when I had one a few years ago) said that the longer you have off work the less likely you are to ever go back. Obviously one should not rush back if you have an acute MH crisis but he said for most people going back is actually part of the cure.

Firstly UC isn’t just for those on a mortgage, but if you rent, they will pay a proportion of that, but not mortgage. Worth entering your details on turn 2 us calculator to check, but does depend on your savings amount too.

I’d be pretty hacked off that he is still not applying for jobs and just expecting to use your savings when his run out. Sorry but he now needs to get any job so he can bring in some income. Takes the P that your mum is paying childcare whilst he sits at home, not job hunting. I’d be pretty hacked off if I was her, and i’d be embarrassed that my mum was using her income to subsidise my unmotivated DH.

He may be struggling mentally, but he has a family, and many of us have to still show up for work when struggling as we have DC to support.

I’d sit down and ask for a proper chat. Not one where people get angry and storm off, but get together all your income / outgoings and show him how little time you’re going to have until savings are depleted and you could potentially lose your home.

I’d be pretty angry and resentful to he honest, and would struggle to come back from this. The fact you’re working full time and come home to do the cooking whilst he does very little takes the absolute P. He should be taking over all the housework those 3 days when your child is in childcare, not paid for by him. I’d be furious if I was your mum, and hell would freeze over before my mum paid for nursery whilst my DH sat at home doing nothing. I’d feel ashamed she was using her savings / income to subsidise you when he’s refusing to start working. He needs to know how you feel about it. Chat GPT is useful for helping you prepare for structuring the conversation.

It would be extremely foolhardy to spend your savings, as well as his. That would leave you both in a precarious position. He needs to get his arse into gear, pretty sharpish and get another job. It’s ridiculous that he’s not even started looking. You need to give him an ultimatum, either he gets a job or you’re going to divorce him.

You would benefit from putting those savings beyond his reach both now and in a subsequent divorce.

Why should your mum pay for 2 days a week childcare whilst your dh indulges himself with his hobby and doesn't even pick up the bulk of the household chores ?

If you can trust your mum, let her know that divorce is a possibility, liaise with her privately and get her to document (e-mail possibly) that she will no longer be paying for the 2 days of nursery and that she would also like a contribution to her expenses for the day that she takes care of your daughter. Pay her out of your savings.

If your dh believes the savings have been spent it may spur him on to take work of some sort.

btw, don't you qualify for any free childcare hours ?

Do it ASAP as eligibility for New Style JSA/ESA is based on his NI contributions over the 2 full tax years before the year you’re claiming in. and if he applies after the end of the month then we'll be into a new tax year. Given how much time he's taken off in this financial year he may not have enough contributions to claim if it's based on this year and last year, although if he was self-employed it might not be the right kind of NI contributions, but I'm never too sure of the difference. New Style JSA/ESA only lasts for 6 months, and it's not a huge amount of money, but it'll give you a little more breathing space until he sorts himself out
https://www.entitledto.co.uk can help you check out what your position is likely to be as you can plug in the exact circumstances you have.

You have to mention this to him, just to clarify, he has not been in a sabbatical, he is unemployed. You do not have enough savings for him not to work. It’s stressing me out just reading this. 5 months isn’t enough time to sell your house. He needs to get a job at a supermarket or bar until he finds full time work. If he doesn’t have interviews lined up in the next 3 weeks then you divorce him.

in the meantime, you give him the riot act and he has to cook every night until he’s back in full time employment.i cannot believe he’s doin* virtually nothing. He sometimes does the dishes, he throws washing in the machine and looks after your daughter twice a week. Utter laziness. Stop enabling this.Yu and your DD deserve more.

Yes job seekers is different to UC in terms of eligibility.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this

Apart from everything else, savings are meant to be there for actual emergencies. Having none left between you is extremely risky, and he is being absolutely reckless with all your lives. You have a child now for goodness sake.

Honestly, why not go and see a divorce lawyer and see what they advise you? Gather more information so you can at least make an informed choice.

My unprofessional suggestion:
You said he is emotionally invested in the house, so what if you call his bluff and make absolutely 100% clear that if he doesn't get a job - any job - soon, you would rather default on the mortgage than continue this way. He might get his arse into gear. Or not. But if he's really adamant to not get a job, you'll find yourself in the same situation of defaulting when your money runs out, just less your savings. Which you will need.

So while this strategy might seem risky, it's not much riskier than just waiting to see how things pan out if you cough up your savings. Maybe seeing a red letter warning will scare him - so why not do this sooner rather than later? Most people will only push you as far as they can get away with.

I'd also start booking Estate Agents to come and list the place. Book one to come when you're both in, book another when it's just him at home - disturb his coding day. Start getting the house sale ready. Wake up calls.

If he starts the job hunting process but can't secure a job in 6 weeks, ask your lender for a mortgage break to give him more time. But don't touch your savings. Let him blink first.

The therapy hasn't helped. You're keeping things together, but actually you're going to need to step up decisively at some point or things could go completely to shit.... Alternatively, he will slowly but surely suck the life out of you as countless men have done to countless women. He will exit middle age in good shape, you will not.

You don't have to be hostile, but I think you can say he's forced you into the position of being the only adult in the household so this is the way it going to have to be. He's making you his parents - his mother (nurturer) and father (provider). He is being neither. But parents don't just nurture and provide, they make the tough decisions. Don't dictate what kind of job he has to get, just the minimum amount that he needs to earn to make sure bills are covered. Keep reminding him that downsizing is another option. Basically treat him like a child, because that is the state he has entered - give him choices within parameters.

Even if he has a history of depression it sounds like becoming a dad - and you being on mat leave and him having to step up financially for a limited period - has triggered something in him. It would be good if you can still muster any kindness towards him (but wouldn't blame you if you can't) but be absolutely firm and consistent in what you are and are not prepared to do.

If the SAHD idea comes up I think you can bat that away with his ridiculous domestic efforts to date, so tell him he's not qualified for that job and you won't hire him. He'd only be suggesting it as a way to stay off work, not because he wants to care for his child.

Really sorry OP - what a let down.

Tell him there are no savings as your mum has asked for all her money back so you have repaid the loan for the childcare. Transfer her the money.

He is avoiding everything - if you are already in couples therapy, and it's been suggested you make plans to separate, have you both agreed it's over? Maybe he is on ' sabbatical ' to aid his position in divorce. Perhaps Dump the therapy, cite no money, tell your dm whats going on and maybe see someone on your own?

Can you go and live with your dm, with your dd, ft nursery paid by your dm, you pay her back?

I can't quite believe he buggers about with his hobby, doesn't do housework, let's your dm fund his lounging about, and you. I am annoyed on your behalf. It's a difficult situation, your dh is supposed to be on your side, working as a team.

Could you call his bluff and explain that because of the stress that you are under due to his not working, you are thinking about reducing your own hours at work to be able to cope? See how he responds? Bit risky though, requires some poker face.