AIBU to refuse using my savings if DH will not job hunt?

[Bickytoria20]

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AIBU to refuse to use my savings to support DH when he won’t job hunt?

My DH will run out of money in about 6 weeks and still hasn’t started looking for a job. He wants me to use my savings to give him more time. I’ve said no, as I don’t think it’s fair – by that point he’ll have had around 8 months off and has done precisely nothing in terms of job hunting.

I see my savings as an emergency fund, not something to fund an extended break. He, however, thinks that if I don’t use them, I’m effectively abandoning him and not supporting him as his wife.

He says he’s depressed and needs more time off. I do believe he’s struggling, but he can’t say how long he needs, and originally said he’d only take 1–2 months before looking again. I’ve tried to be supportive, but it feels like the only support he considers valid is financial.

What makes this harder is that he spends basically all his time working on a personal coding project he’s been doing throughout his sabbatical. It clearly requires focus and skill, so I struggle to accept that he’s incapable of job hunting or working at all.

Background:
• He’s currently in month 6 of a sabbatical after his contract (software engineer) ended.
• Reasons for the break were:

1. His mental health declined, partly due to strain in our relationship while he was the main breadwinner during my maternity leave (our DD is now 21 months).
2. He wanted more time with our DD as he didn’t get paternity leave (he now looks after her 2 days a week).
3. He planned to do various DIY jobs (extension, garden fence, etc.).

To be fair, he has continued paying his share of the bills and mortgage from his savings, which he built up beforehand. But those savings are now almost gone.

So… AIBU to draw the line and refuse to use my savings to give him more time?

Well he should be trying to get a job or dealing with his mental health (and I say that as someone whose husband has severe depression and bipolar and didn’t work for a year because of it) but I can’t get my head around this whole separate savings thing if you’re married. We pool everything so we don’t have separate savings. It just seems so weird to me. If he’s going to be unable to work then what other choice do you have but to dip into the family money?

Thanks for your comment. Yeah the money is a whole other kettle of fish. We currently have separate money. I made him agree to a trial of pooling our money when he next gets a job. I think that might be one reason why he is dragging his heels as he hates the idea of sharing all money. So yes the savings are mine, but he is also annoyed that I consider them mine. But the fact that they are mine is besides the point really, I would feel the same if they were ‘our’ savings.

So how will the mortgage and other bills get paid if you don't do this?

I mean, I agree he should be stepping up and not just expecting you to pay everything. But will you have any other choice?

Do you earn enough to cover the bills without hitting the savings? How long will your savings last if he continues out of work?

Well, I guess if he does not get a job, I will have no choice but to use the savings, as you rightly point out. The quarrel is over whether he should be waiting till he runs out or trying harder to get a job before his money runs out.
I don’t earn enough to cover everything no. I guess the savings would last maybe 5 months

It’s not a sabbatical if he doesn’t have a job to go to. Is your DD in nursery? If he’s home can he not look after her to save childcare fees? I’d be using the absolute minimum needed to cover essential bills, no treat, extras or entertainment. He needs to get a job, any job.

@Bickytoria20 Is he signed off work on medical grounds if he's depressed?
No, it is absolutely not fair to dip into your savings if he is not even bothering to look for a job!
I have savings myself whereas my husband doesn't have any. And no way would he be touching them through sheer laziness!!
Absolute crap that "You're married so it's shared money." No, it's not!!!

Yes she is in childcare two days a week already. And yes he does two days a week with our DD, my mum the other day. We are very fortunate, and the costs of the childcare are covered by my mum.

He was actually, towards the end of his contract. His contract ended though so now he is just unemployed, technically.

Lots of women chose not to work and expect the man to fund them but it is up to you if he put pressure on to you to earn more would that be ok

And thank you for your indignation. Yes this is how I feel!

@PollyBell Indeed lots of women do. Also lazy.

@Bickytoria20 Also, what is he doing with his three days off a week?

Well he already does put pressure on me to earn more. I don’t think I need to though. Even if he earned the same salary as me, we would have enough money. And I also have never expected to not work and for him to fund me. During my maternity he paid for most things towards the end but that was because I was looking after our baby full time.

Can he claim contributions based ESA? It won't be a huge amount, but it would help.

I remember looking into this and finding out we weren’t eligible, although why escapes me though at this precise moment.

@Bickytoria20 I hope he's doing the majority of the housework and cooking currently?

What does he think will happen when your money runs out too?

We have not discussed that…

It's a tough jobs market at the moment. I have been out of work since Feb 2025 when I was made redundant. My sector has seen 10% redundancies across most companies and there are several, including the company I worked for, that have had ~70% head count reduction. My team has gone from 9 to 2! Some are still out of work a year on.

I have taken a career break as I was pregnant when I was made redundant. When redundancies were announced by my partner and I went through our finances and worked out what we could afford. He is paying for pretty much everything and I have barely touched my redundancy pay out. My maternity allowance is going into our joint account and my personal spending now comes out of this account too. I'm now looking at changing career and will be looking for something in September, I've struggling with my mental health at the moment as I'm bipolar and prone to pnd. I'm under the perinatal mental health team.

What was the discussion regarding finances when this all started?

Realistically, if he finds a job advert he likes tomorrow and gets the job, it could still be a couple of months to go through the application and on boarding process. I think you both need to sit down and review finances and the situation you are in

Probably because he was previously self-employed and didn't make national insurance contributions.

He built an arcade. The 80s game box thing, yes. It took two weeks to build and he has been coding the software ever since, so 5.5 months. He has not done any extra housework, not family admin, nor DIY (like he said he would).

Might be worth looking again. New Style ESA (contributions based) doesn’t take savings or partners income into account, just his NI contributions.

Quite possibly!

@Bickytoria20 Why are you putting up with this?!!!!!!

If he has mental health issues he needs to get them addressed (talk therapy, meds if indicated by a GP or health professional).
This video game coding thing is just a hobby so he needs to be job hunting and lifting his game around the house too. DO NOT let him decimate your savings.