Why do people feel ok to extend their stay / outstay their welcome? And how to handle it .

[Boomboomi]

Aibu to get impatient when people who visit ( family) stay longer than period agreed.
Our relatives live a 3 hr drive away.
They have history of comming at Christmas and ending up staying until the new year and beyond.
We are finding that hard as ita a long time and v expensive , plus we also just want our house back . So this year we told them that period is too long for us - its either Christmas or new year not both In one stretch .
We will see how it goes this year based on this .
They came again last weekend. i had specially said yes you can come but will it just be the weekend, they said ‘yes’ . They arrived sat am and to me the weekend ends sun eve. They then said can we stay Sunday evening as the drive is too far to drive on a sat and a Sunday.
I said yes - reluctantly- as we had been trying to establish boundaries. ( my dh said some people think a weekend is sun eve , go home mon? And therefore nothing had changed?)
I was trying to find out when they were leaving and it was , oh we will need lunch, we may chill for a bit after lunch , we womt affect you/ be in your way … carry on with what you need to do ….

• aibu when people say / do things like this ?( they clearly enjoy coming, but i feel tnese when they extend the stay or drift around not going?
• am I totally un flexible or is it ok to want people to go when we agreed?!

I think rather than say weekend or a few days you need to give specifics.

Examples:-

You're very welcome to stay Friday and Saturday night, leaving around 11 am on Sunday morning.

You're very welcome to stay Monday night until Wednesday morning around 10:30 am.

This would drive me insane

I think I'd try to set my stall out before they arrive

Eg really looking forward to see you on fri night . Ill make sure your room is all ready for you and will make a light dinner of xxxxx for 7pm

I'll make an early dinner on sun at 3pm as I know you've got a decent drive back and that'll still give you enough time to get home before it's too dark and give us a chance to get sorted for the start of the working week again and school, creche etc etc

We could maybe all go out on the sat and do X or Y?

Something along those lines???

Establishing boundaries means saying no so yabu

With people like this just say “what time are you expecting to arrive and when are you planning to drive back?” as you make the plan and then you can make sure that’s there’s something going on the evening after they’ve said they’ll leave which would make it difficult for them to stay (sleepover of DC or you and DH going to the theatre or something) that way they can’t outstay their welcome

Sympathies OP, I’m guessing these are your in laws who are retired, or don’t have jobs to go to.

Very frustrating as it means you can’t really rekax until they’re gone… I personally hate that whole ‘oh just carry on as you were and pretend were not here’, it’s totally unrealistic.

Honesty is the best policy. Say you have things to do on Monday that you can't do with visitors in the house. Say that you find it tiring being on call to chat. Say you like seeing them but you need more downtime than you used to.

In laws?

I think it depends on who the visitor is.
My dm never stayed long enough for me.
Dh's parents usually only stayed 3 days maximum.
However, when dd was little if they stayed then I got them to walk her to school instead of doing breakfast club.

I say, as long as they're staying then use them to your advantage. Pil's were good at wallpapering. 😆

Hey, I've got stuff to do so time to wrap it up now.

I'd be hoovering very noisily round wherever they are sitting. I'd also have had their bedding in the wash first thing Sunday morning as soon as they were dressed....

You have to be really specific and say what is convenient for you. What would happen if you’d said no?

This. They are taking liberties and don't give a shit about your boundaries @Boomboomi , I'd not be giving a shit about offending them.

Thankfully I have never met anyone who would do this. What is wrong with them.

do None of you work?

was the visit them sitting around the house? Did you organise trips / activities? Did you just have enough food in?

id need to know number of nights and meals they were staying for upfront. And I’d be planning for that. Ie let’s do a Sunday roast mid afternoon in plenty of time for you to get home before dark. Or let’s do Monday brunch here then you’re already on your route home.

I did set boundaries- well in my own mind .
we agreed by text before hand it was a weekend . I suppose my mistake was not to establish that this did not include staying the sunday nite !
After they arrived , while we were all relaxing and at the pub , the conversation was - oh we would like to stay tomorrow night as well due to the drive - well I had had a glass of wine and was mellow and taken by suprise.
I am self employed so on Monday am I went to work , and they said we may be around till the afternoon just do what you need to do we wont be in the way … I found that bit extra hard because I couldn’t say oh I have things to do - because they had already said for me to just get on with ky life / work - and they would just chill . ( they sat upstairs and read in bed ) . So i didnt feel that I could say anything.? How could that bit be handled?! Then they said we will need to eat before we go .i didnt feel I could go out as they would be rooting thro my fridge …cooking etc.. ( i did say we didn’t think that you would be here so ive not catered for that) so i just made a quick omelette and veg asap .

You need to start being really specific: “you are invited until “11am on Sunday” (or whenever suits you)

If it helps you maintain the boundary arrange (or invent) something you have to do which necessitates you leaving the hose at thst time so that they have to go then.

KarmenPQZ · Today 14:53
i do exactly that sort of thing , but they say a date then change it .
They work from home so can work from my house . ( they had booked day off on this occasion unbeknown to me despite the prior agreement) .
I say exactly the things you say .. but they say - if ite re food - its ok we can go to the shops , its ok , we wont be in yout way .
none of the usual approaches work . Id have to say please leave . For eg if i said right we have had breakfast, I will make you a picnic for your journey home - they would likely say oh no its ok , we dont know when we ate going yet but domt worry we wont be in your way … you go to work etc .. its fine ..

invent) something you have to do which necessitates you leaving the hose at thst time so that they have to go then.

yes ive tried that - they dont feel they have to leave the house.

Oh dear, in which case the only thing to do is say:

”it’s been lovely to see you, let me get your coats”

It’s hard but they are being incredibly rude so they’ve brought it on themselves.

I would also make it much less comfortable for them to stay: arrange to “run out” of coffee/tea/milk, bread etc

I learnt that being specific was the answer after the time when DH's parents said they would arrive "before lunch" and they turned up at 8am ...

Don't say "the weekend" or "for Christmas" - they are too open for interpretation.
Say explicitly that you can't host them for more than 1/2/ whatever nights and what time will they be leaving on Sunday? That means about half an hour before this time you can say "oh, you'll be going soon, have you checked you've got everything?" and start persuading them towards the door.
If they ask to stay longer, and you're not happy for them to do so, then say so!

That said, if the reason for not wanting a longer visit is expense, as well as inconvenience, you could always ask them to contribute?

I told my friend Phoebe, who is a masseuse, that she can see her clients here starting at 11 am, so you will need to leave at 10.30, because she'll be working here all day. I will be leaving then anyway as I have an appointment.
Or something similar, of you don't feel comfortable politely saying you just prefer your own space.

If it’s your inlaws I’d just disappear the minute they arrive and not return until they’ve gone and make it your OH’s problem.

If it’s your own family I’d have no issue telling them that they can’t stay anymore as they stay too long.

Stop enabling it all.

My MIL is abit like this. So when it matters (because usually it doesn’t). I don’t just invite for the weekend I specify days.

I find this really annoying too. I found that I had to say “I prefer to know what dates and times guests are coming and going” rather than giving specific reasons as these were always met with a counter-suggestion.

Sometimes I want the freedom to put my pjs on in the afternoon, eat DC leftover beige food for tea and doom scroll for a while in front of the TV without having to be guest-ready, even if they are my parents.

I don’t have this problem. Before anyone comes to stay I always discuss with them when they will be arriving and leaving.