Why do people feel ok to extend their stay / outstay their welcome? And how to handle it .

[Boomboomi]

Aibu to get impatient when people who visit ( family) stay longer than period agreed.
Our relatives live a 3 hr drive away.
They have history of comming at Christmas and ending up staying until the new year and beyond.
We are finding that hard as ita a long time and v expensive , plus we also just want our house back . So this year we told them that period is too long for us - its either Christmas or new year not both In one stretch .
We will see how it goes this year based on this .
They came again last weekend. i had specially said yes you can come but will it just be the weekend, they said ‘yes’ . They arrived sat am and to me the weekend ends sun eve. They then said can we stay Sunday evening as the drive is too far to drive on a sat and a Sunday.
I said yes - reluctantly- as we had been trying to establish boundaries. ( my dh said some people think a weekend is sun eve , go home mon? And therefore nothing had changed?)
I was trying to find out when they were leaving and it was , oh we will need lunch, we may chill for a bit after lunch , we womt affect you/ be in your way … carry on with what you need to do ….

• aibu when people say / do things like this ?( they clearly enjoy coming, but i feel tnese when they extend the stay or drift around not going?
• am I totally un flexible or is it ok to want people to go when we agreed?!

I'd be finding an alternative use for my spare bedroom and telling them to book somewhere if they want to visit.

Righty o thats enough time for coats.
Cheerio.🙋🙋

Can I come and stay?

Turn internet off and take the router to work with you next time.

My DF is like this and I've worked out it's basically because he doesn't really consider himself a guest in my house. I've had to be very clear about what is and isn't acceptable for me, at times even bluntly because doing it subtly doesn't work. If they're your DH's family you and he need to agree the plan and he should take charge of making sure they leave as agreed.

When we lived in Cornwall we got caught like this a few times.
Since we moved (not far away, but less "desirable") we've not had a single one.
I'm certain that proves something.

Gosh, you were patient! By 6pm I'd have been saying something like 'it's been lovely to see you but we have to be getting on with a couple of things for tomorrow now' and stand up.
It's not rude - guests that outstay their welcome are rude, and need to be nudged into the behaviour required.

For me, that's the time to suggest some great places they can eat "on your way home" ...

Tell them you aren’t having people stay in your house any more (for personal reasons) but can recommend local hotels etc.

"They came again last weekend. i had specially said yes you can come but will it just be the weekend, they said ‘yes’ . They arrived sat am and to me the weekend ends sun eve. They then said can we stay Sunday evening as the drive is too far to drive on a sat and a Sunday."

So, that tells me that you are not inviting these relatives, they are asking to come and you are agreeing to their visit. So, stop agreeing - at least for the next three occasions they ask to come.

They phone you and ask to visit - you say no, I don't want any visitors for a while. They protest, they'll be no trouble - you respond that that's not the issue, you want some peace for a while; but, since you mentioned 'trouble', actually they are always trouble, trouble getting them to leave and you're just fed up with it now. So, you're having NO VISITORS for a while.

You can make a joke about it, that you have to have a crowbar on standby and all that - but make it clear that their constantly extending their visit is behind your refusal to have them visit now. And don't let them visit.

"I don’t suppose it helps that we live by the sea in a area that people love to visit !"
There are many seaside towns they can choose to visit. They can even choose your town - and go to a hotel / B&B / AirB&B.

So really if they said the weekend and arrived at sat am I'd think till Monday morn as they would have just said overnight if leaving on the Sunday .
But definitely understand your frustration with wanti5your house back ,,tbh I hate staying in someone else's home aswell as I like my own space

Or - there's a nice Pret at the X services station; the cafe / pub down the road does a nice brunch.

OP -
I'd prefer not if you don't mind, I need to work and I can't concentrate with guests in the house.
"No I'm sorry, we agreed Sat-Sun"
"No I'm sorry, we agreed Sat-Sun and with respect, I'd like to sort out the spare room after you leave, sit down on Sunday night and reset ahead of a busy week"
"virgin / X broadband is down for maintenance on Monday starting at 2am, We had a note, its here somewhere"

After they leave. Here's a link to a local AirBnB for next time if you want to stay for longer periods. I'm sorry but we have to draw a line somewhere or we would have endless houseguests that we can't afford to host and no time to ourselves.

If you don't have children and plan to, you need to sort this now or they will move in when a baby arrives. Or move.

I think you should start saying no. It's one thing if they made your life easier or even listened. Why do they visit so often, then?

They're being very rude.
Just say no, sorry that doesn't work for me.

The problem is that you keep giving reasons which they ignore or offer to solve.

The trick is to get the agreement up front and then when they try to push, you say no it doesn't work for me. And then this is the crucial bit, when they ask why you still don't give a concrete reason.

"No, we need to stick to the agreement."
"No, that doesn't work for me. We agreed Monday after lunch."

And repeat.

Then if they don't shift, get up and say "right I'll help you load up the car"

The root of this problem is that you struggle to deal with the discomfort of challenging people. First time will be hard but I promise it gets easier.

That's the plan next time

Or tell them that it is an Airbnb and it’s already booked

This is so clearly your DH’s family or friends

So ask him to be explicitly with them.

It is not hard

You need to practice:

"Sorry that doesn't work for us"

"We want the house back to ourselves"

"The invite was until lunch"

"I don't have anything in for lunch, there's a lovely cafe around the corner you could go to on your way home"

"Sorry, you said you were only staying until this evening, so all the good in the fridge is already allocated"

"I'm meal planning more due to the cost of living so if you need food before you go home you'll need to sort that out yourself".

Do it a few times and they'll stop pushing.

Me too and I'd take myself off to a nice hotel and switch my phone off.

You’d vacate your own home and spend money on a hotel rather than just…. Woman up or if you couldn’t face that… get you DH to man up?

this is all so alien to me. Someone basically forcing themselves on my home

This is so true. Weekends comprise of Saturdays and Sundays. All the other days are weekdays. Except when it comes to step children, but that’s a whole different thread!

Sounds like hell

Next time just say no

Or - open your mouth and speak?

The penultimate paragraph of that message is a bit waffly- still don’t quite get when the in laws are supposed to go. I'd just say you'll need to set off by [5pm] latest as we've commitments from 5pm onwards

Can't you just be blunt with them and say if they keep overstaying their welcome then they don't get to come back.?