Why do people feel ok to extend their stay / outstay their welcome? And how to handle it .

[Boomboomi]

Aibu to get impatient when people who visit ( family) stay longer than period agreed.
Our relatives live a 3 hr drive away.
They have history of comming at Christmas and ending up staying until the new year and beyond.
We are finding that hard as ita a long time and v expensive , plus we also just want our house back . So this year we told them that period is too long for us - its either Christmas or new year not both In one stretch .
We will see how it goes this year based on this .
They came again last weekend. i had specially said yes you can come but will it just be the weekend, they said ‘yes’ . They arrived sat am and to me the weekend ends sun eve. They then said can we stay Sunday evening as the drive is too far to drive on a sat and a Sunday.
I said yes - reluctantly- as we had been trying to establish boundaries. ( my dh said some people think a weekend is sun eve , go home mon? And therefore nothing had changed?)
I was trying to find out when they were leaving and it was , oh we will need lunch, we may chill for a bit after lunch , we womt affect you/ be in your way … carry on with what you need to do ….

• aibu when people say / do things like this ?( they clearly enjoy coming, but i feel tnese when they extend the stay or drift around not going?
• am I totally un flexible or is it ok to want people to go when we agreed?!

I think you can smile, say 'I'm afraid I need the house back at X time/now so I can have some downtime/get sorted for week ahead', and repeat as needed.

Or you can channel my aunt, who after I busy weekend (at her invite) I asked if there was anything me and DH could do before leaving.

Her reply: 'The best thing you can do is fuck off'. I wasn't offended. She's a tough one who's like that with everyone.

We have lovely friends who live in a touristy location and who are also very generous hosts.

They are great at sending a quick text before any visits just asking us to confirm when we are arriving and when we are leaving for catering and logistical reasons. It means everyone is clear.

If we suggest that we'd like to come at a time that is not convenient for them they just tell us that it won't work with the minimum of fuss. Something like, 'Can you leave on Sunday night because we need to spend some time with DC1 as we've not had much family time?' The point is, they are honest with us, and it seems perfectly reasonable. There is no second guessing and it is quite respectful that they are sharing their reasons with us.

We do the same with any visitors as well. I think in your circumstances that if you tell the truth they cannot argue with it.

But good luck! I know that it is hard.

That's awful!
But they must be quite thick skinned not to realise they have stayed too long.
Have you tried : 'No, sorry, we were expecting you to leave this evening and we've made other plans based on that, so please go.'

I couldn’t put up with this, just be clear and say you can stay until X time on Sunday, it’s your house for goodness sake, speak
up.

This

My son lives 3 hours away. I arrive at a set time and head back at 1pm on Sunday. I couldn't abide out staying my welcome. I do go monthly though.

Stop having them visit.
Tell them no it has become too much.
No one needs users in their life like this.

They know exactly what they are doing but don't care about you.
They think you are a mug and so they push it.

If they say ‘we won’t be in your way’ you are going to have to tell them why it is in your way. ‘I find I can’t concentrate on my work when other people are in the house so I need you to leave by x time’ or whatever is the reason but you need to be specific about it.

My SIL has form for this. Not just outstaying her welcome, but also inviting herself to stay. DH is terrified of saying 'no', he thinks it would be rude. But surely inviting yourself is rude in the first place!

I would leave your DH to entertain her.

When they said about eating before they go, or would have directed them to the nearest M&S/Tesco Express/McDonald's to get some food for the journey.
There is NO way I'd have cooked them lunch, or let them root through my cupboards/fridge.

Be specific about what day and time they'll be leaving (e.g. by 3pm on Tuesday) and stick to it. Make some appointment, like a haircut or something, if you are too weak-willed to stick to your guns.

You keep agreeing to their demands and saying "yes you can" so...

I always say you are welcome but l will need to kick you out at 10am on Sunday ...but then you have to follow through with this

I no longer stay with people if I can possiby avoid it. In the past I would tell people up front what time I expected to arrive and which train I intended to get back. That gave them the opportunity to suggest other arrangements if these did not suit. It also meant that both host and guest knew exactly where they were with times - barring accidents.

I grew up with a grandmother who had very strict rules about visiting times - even for family. She was also brilliant at getting rid of unwanted guests and overstayers. She had a clock which produced Westminster times on the quarter hour.

"Goodness is that the time? I must get on. Thank you for your visit. I will see you out."

No one ever argued with my grandmother.

Surely the approved, even compulsory, MN response is “that won’t work for me/us”. If they ask why, don’t engage, because then they’ll debate alternatives. “I’ll make you some sandwiches for the journey but I have to ask you to leave by 9:30”.

In no circumstances say the word “sorry”.

Part of being a good host is to be absolutely clear with your guests what your expectations are.

"Looking forward to seeing you next weekend. We'll expect you in time for lunch on Saturday - any time after 12 noon works for us. And we'll give you a good breakfast to send you on your way on Monday."

Or whatever ...

Well… your reply should have been, I’m working Monday, so you’ll need to be on the road by 9am.

do not compromise on this

they’ll say “oh it’s ok, we’ll just bla bla bla..” but you then say, “No, that won’t work, I’ll make you a cuppa first thing, toast etc, but you’ll need to be on the road for 9am, I’m working and don’t want to be distracted”

and repeat.

no, that’s not convenient
no, that doesn’t work for me
no, I’ve been clear.

oh and agree in future to Friday/Saturday night but leave on Sunday after breakfast because you have things to do

or in future say they can’t stay with you as they don’t listen to you when it comes to the arrangements and ambush you every time.

Dh once invited a couple from his French conversation group round for tea - it was a reciprocal visit.
They arrived just after 3 and didn’t leave until 8!!

Sympathies!
My in-laws were like this. They would come down for 'a stay' with no end date. And if we dared to ask how long they were staying, or when they were going home, MIL would go mad and comment we were rude 'You're trying to get rid of us from the moment we arrive'.
They once stretched out a visit for 11 days ... it was horrible.

Only advice I have is to try to pin down an arrival and a leaving date before they come. But having tried this myself (and it did NOT go down well with MIL) I know it's never that easy.

you need to tell them that your spare room is not an airbnb where they can book an extra night.

Monday isn't weekend. If your guests are retired, tell them to bloody go and be retired somewhere else, cadging fuckers.

I live in a very popular tourist area that has several festivals a year. I am very used to this problem - more people using us as 'a base' which essentially means sponging off us for days.

I solved the problem very simply. One year after a particularly frustrating time I contacted a local charity that takes furniture and donated all the spare beds to them. One spare room is now my study and one is a very large walk-in wardrobe for the four of us.

It was dramatic, but effective. Now if people want to stay they have to book an air BNB and oddly enough we seem to be a great deal less attractive as a 'base'.

You have to use your words.. not make them an omelette and let them stay even longer!

I like the ‘We need the house to ourselves/family time/to decompress from eg midday Sunday’ preferably in advance then remind them an hour before with ‘that doesn’t work for us’ if they dick about. They’d be beyond rhino hide if you remind them ‘I said we need….’ Although I found my parents hard. ‘We’ll just shut the door after us’ or phone slammed down because my DH was on nights so it wasn’t suitable and they were retired!