Why do people feel ok to extend their stay / outstay their welcome? And how to handle it .

[Boomboomi]

Aibu to get impatient when people who visit ( family) stay longer than period agreed.
Our relatives live a 3 hr drive away.
They have history of comming at Christmas and ending up staying until the new year and beyond.
We are finding that hard as ita a long time and v expensive , plus we also just want our house back . So this year we told them that period is too long for us - its either Christmas or new year not both In one stretch .
We will see how it goes this year based on this .
They came again last weekend. i had specially said yes you can come but will it just be the weekend, they said ‘yes’ . They arrived sat am and to me the weekend ends sun eve. They then said can we stay Sunday evening as the drive is too far to drive on a sat and a Sunday.
I said yes - reluctantly- as we had been trying to establish boundaries. ( my dh said some people think a weekend is sun eve , go home mon? And therefore nothing had changed?)
I was trying to find out when they were leaving and it was , oh we will need lunch, we may chill for a bit after lunch , we womt affect you/ be in your way … carry on with what you need to do ….

• aibu when people say / do things like this ?( they clearly enjoy coming, but i feel tnese when they extend the stay or drift around not going?
• am I totally un flexible or is it ok to want people to go when we agreed?!

Weekend is too vague. Say Sunday after lunch - if they start pushing back just say ‘no sorry that doesn’t work for us’ on repeat. They ARE inconveniencing you, and it’s NOT an inconvenience for them, just a preference. If you put the expectation that they will be leaving after lunch then you can ask them to strip the beds in the morning so you can get the wash on right away so you don’t have to do it during the working week.
Then after the lunch, you stand up, say lovely having you but must get things done now are you all packed up? If they sit there saying ‘oh we’d like to relax a bit’, say ‘no sorry I really need to get on and we agreed Sunday after lunch, do you need help getting your bags to the car’? Stand there looking at them expecting them to shift. You DH can also chine in and say ‘I’ll get your bags’. If they say they won’t be in the way repeat ‘no, sorry, that doesn’t work for us’.

don’t have this problem. Before anyone comes to stay I always discuss with them when they will be arriving and leaving.

yes i need to be more specific maybe - but when I said the weekend - and said only the weekend - after arrival they asked to stay longer / we womt bother you / you can still go to work/ we can cook etc …& i cant / struggle to find a reason tomsay no .

It’s annoying and I wouldn’t like it at all but just wondering why a few previous posters are automatically assuming it’s the in laws 🙄

This happens to me too. It’s exhausting and I’ve just stopped having visitors at all because the impact is too big.

Oh god, I feel tense just reading this. I would absolutely hate it. Love having visitors but I also love having my house back once they leave. There's always chores to sort and I need some quiet vegging time in my own company.

I've had guests in the past like this (not quite as bad admittedly) and it really put me off their visits. One family didn't just outstay their welcome, they were also quite hard work, demanding and messy but didn't lift a finger. I think part of it was that they just didn't understand the effort that goes into hosting. They lived quite near my parents so we always stayed with my folks if we travelled to see them. I think they might have "got it" if they hosted themselves. I phased out their overnight visits. No regrets although it meant we saw them a lot less.

Another family friend who I love very much was am absolute horror for overstaying (daytime visits only luckily). We'd agree to meet up and I'd ask if she wanted to come for lunch or go out for lunch and it would always be "oh noooo, I'm much too busy, I'll just pop in for an hour for a coffee". But then an hour would pass, two hours, three hours and she would still be there and I'd be thinking bloody hell I've had no lunch and now I need to collect youngest from school and my whole day off has just disappeared! A couple of times I had to get up, put my coat on and leave my own house after several hints and she looked really hurt and offended. So confusing given that she was always so insistent she could only spare me an hour so that was what I had planned for. And a real shame because I like her a lot but started to dread her visits. She's moved away now.

My dad always says, as soon as guests arrive, “nice to see you, when are you going home?” He does it with humour but does the job of laying out an end time!

I dont know what kind of people visit and then ask to stay longer and putting obstacles on your way . They must know that you are reluctant. If in laws get your DH to deal with them , if friends then both be on the same page . They can't be nice friends if they force themselves on people .

Haha, like his style. My late FIL, when he thought dinner guests had stayed too late into the evening, would go and get their coats out of the hall cupboard, hand them out and announce jovially "well you'll be off then". Then beckon them to stand and march them purposefully to the front door.

I need to Be More FIL.

Absolutely this. It's your husbands role to host if it's his relatives.

I don't have anyone in my house longer than an hour, that's plenty.

I never, ever let other people do this or similar to myself or my space.
Ever.
Have zero problems.
Relatives, I'd rather go no contact.
And parents - moved away to another country, at 24.
Why should I force myself to get on with/like people I haven't chosen?

I promise you that if you do not set out exactly when you expect them to leave at Christmas, they will arrive for Christmas and stay past New Year. You may have to pretend to arrange that you are leaving for an overnight stay for the day you expect them to leave.

Something like, the weekend is perfect as we're going to stay with our friends/travel for work in very far away town on Sunday evening.

first post nails it. If they ask to stay longer say "so sorry not possible"

I don’t suppose it helps that we live by the sea in a area that people love to visit !

Maybe try solving the problem for them like they try to do for you?
"Can we stay Sunday night it's such a long drive"
"I'm afraid not, we planned it would be just the Saturday night"
"Oh we won't be in the way"
"You'll be ok! You can take it in stages, stop at the service station on the M1..."
"But Bill doesn't like driving at night"
"It's very brightly lit... actually we can help you get ready now if you want to leave in the daylight?"

You have to be actually prepared to say the word "No" as well. You can say it in a soft, kind tone. Like as if it was to a child that you need to hold a nice kind but firm boundary for.

"We can't get ready now, it's much better if we stay till tomorrow"
"Well it would be nice to carry on having fun! I get why you want to stay. But No, we need to stick to the original plan. Every weekend must end, right?!"

there is no "maybe" about it!

You need the be direct ( not rude ). As I know you don’t think you’re in the way, but just having you/people in the house is a distraction. You’ll need to leave before I do , I don’t want you/people here when I am out. Don’t apologise for any of your choices, don’t offer excuses that they can dispute. Just smile and say No, you’ll need to leave today/ tomorrow/ when we agreed. That’s all. No discussion or debate. Once it’s done once it will be easier if they push their luck again. If they continue, well they are cheeky fuckers and you might have to stop the visits altogether.

I had to call a visit to a close yesterday by basically starting to do the hoovering around our guest, all other attempts at subtly getting them on their way had failed! Said guest is the type of person to say “I must think about getting going” then stay for at least another 45 minutes.
Overnight guests have a limit agreed before they arrive and barring disaster there is no deviation. In this case “no” is a complete sentence as MNetters are so fond of saying

Sorry OP, are you saying "they" to avoid "he/she" or is it two people because people keep thinking it's your Mil and Fil but I was assuming your sister who maybe lives alone and doesn't want to go back to an empty house (still not your problem but maybe sees herself as less of a "guest").

Who are these people? Do you enjoy having them to stay? Can you stop inviting them or say no when they ask to come? They are just taking the piss by constantly trying to extend the visit, even though it is clear that you don't want them to.

Just stop inviting them, say no to a whole year of visits or visit them instead.
I must admit I don't have any problem telling people I want them to leave, I don't mind putting peoples noses out of joint so am similar to youe visitor but the opposite as I rarely if ever impose myself on people.

You could just say no when they ask if they can stay. Otherwise, give a firm leaving time, 'yes you can stay Friday to Sun morning, I need the room back by lunchtime'. Come lunchtime, strip the bed, move suitcases/belongings into the hall, ask if they'd like a cup of tea before they leave.

Have plans made for the day after their stay so extensions are sadly not possible.

I learnt to do this with my B and SIL but then they changed tack and said we will drive back overnight when its quiet 🤣
They would sit there yapping until 11.30pm
Oblivious

If they ask to stay longer you can say

'No I'd like to stick to the plan, it works better for me'

If they push it

'It costs a lot to host so I can't extend your stay'
'I need some time to myself'
'I'm happy for you to come but only if you leave at the planned time'
'I feel put upon'
'I'm happy for you to ask as long as you're happy to respect my answer'

etc.

Tell them you are going away for Christmas but be vague about where. Then don’t actually go away. You can pretend you got ill so couldn’t go away. Nice cosy Christmas at home by yourselves.

I realise this wouldn’t work more than once.

Can other relatives not host them at Christmas ?