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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Why do people feel ok to extend their stay / outstay their welcome? And how to handle it .

185 replies

Boomboomi · 16/03/2026 14:22

Aibu to get impatient when people who visit ( family) stay longer than period agreed.
Our relatives live a 3 hr drive away.
They have history of comming at Christmas and ending up staying until the new year and beyond.
We are finding that hard as ita a long time and v expensive , plus we also just want our house back . So this year we told them that period is too long for us - its either Christmas or new year not both In one stretch .
We will see how it goes this year based on this .
They came again last weekend. i had specially said yes you can come but will it just be the weekend, they said ‘yes’ . They arrived sat am and to me the weekend ends sun eve. They then said can we stay Sunday evening as the drive is too far to drive on a sat and a Sunday.
I said yes - reluctantly- as we had been trying to establish boundaries. ( my dh said some people think a weekend is sun eve , go home mon? And therefore nothing had changed?)
I was trying to find out when they were leaving and it was , oh we will need lunch, we may chill for a bit after lunch , we womt affect you/ be in your way … carry on with what you need to do ….

  • aibu when people say / do things like this ?( they clearly enjoy coming, but i feel tnese when they extend the stay or drift around not going?
  • am I totally un flexible or is it ok to want people to go when we agreed?!
OP posts:
MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 16/03/2026 20:12

sesquipedalian · 16/03/2026 16:25

”we agreed by text before hand it was a weekend”

Fine - so you are going to have to be more specific. If it’s too much for them to drive there and back on consecutive days (eye roll) then say, “Come Friday evening so we can do xxxx on Saturday, then I’m going to have to ask you to leave on Sunday because we’re out on Monday and I’m not comfortable leaving you in the house.” As for Christmas, just say, “Please come Christmas Eve until the day after Boxing Day, but we’re visiting friends after that so we won’t be here.” You have to agree an end point in advance, and if they say they “don’t mind” being left home alone or whatever, just say sorry, that doesn’t work for us: I need to be sure the house is locked up or whatever. They are trading on your politeness, so unfortunately, you have to develop a rhino-like hide to deal with them.

Never apologise, never explain. Pretend you're a restaurant taking a booking, and one of those restaurants which tell you how long you have the table for. (Personally I don't like that type of in/out restaurant but at least there's clarity.

No need to give reasons - fictional or real - for giving an end date

Lovemycat2023 · 16/03/2026 20:18

They are absolutely CFers and they know that you won’t be blunt enough to force them out. You are going to have to be really blunt about it (to the point it feels a bit rude). As a PP suggests - you might need to go as far as “it’s been lovely to see you but we need the house back to ourselves now” as they aren’t getting the hint. Either that or they just don’t come anymore!

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 16/03/2026 20:30

whymadam · 16/03/2026 17:46

Monday isn't weekend. If your guests are retired, tell them to bloody go and be retired somewhere else, cadging fuckers.

OP has already indicated they work (but can work remotely)

Normalweirdo · 16/03/2026 20:35

When they say they won't bother you just be honest and say "yeah I know but it is nice to get back to normal; just us!"

Dogmum74 · 16/03/2026 20:44

It would drive me absolutely nuts if anyone did this. Who does this? You haven’t said how they are related but I would be putting my foot down

FelixRyark · 16/03/2026 20:55

Oh goodness OP. That makes me glad I rarely agree to host overnight guests.
I would say “ happy to see you on Friday 8pm..etc etc…we have the cleaner/skip//decorators/handyman coming Monday morning so need you to be gone Sun night so we can empty the room.

Mummykelly78 · 16/03/2026 21:02

Oh this has hit a nerve for me ; we had this , was very clear ; you need to leave by x time as need to bath kids for school next day etc … 1 am they are still here . I was furious, our kids are SEN so routine is key, and they didn’t sleep all night either .
we are now zero contact; it didn’t matter how direct I was , they just didn’t listen.

AppropriateAdult · 16/03/2026 21:17

Some of the suggestions here sound great in theory, but in reality would come across as breathtakingly rude, especially to close family members.

It’s hard to see what heinous crime your guests have committed other than assuming that “coming for the weekend” meant two nights rather than one? I get it - I find it hard to relax with visitors in the house - but I still couldn’t bring myself to treat any close family member or friend in the way that’s being suggested here.

Changename12 · 16/03/2026 21:22

AppropriateAdult · 16/03/2026 21:17

Some of the suggestions here sound great in theory, but in reality would come across as breathtakingly rude, especially to close family members.

It’s hard to see what heinous crime your guests have committed other than assuming that “coming for the weekend” meant two nights rather than one? I get it - I find it hard to relax with visitors in the house - but I still couldn’t bring myself to treat any close family member or friend in the way that’s being suggested here.

No being breathtakingly rude is not waiting for an invite or not fitting in with your hosts plans.

Doone22 · 16/03/2026 21:31

Just stop inviting them. Or if they invite themselves say you're busy. Or say you're redecorating and they'll need to book a hotel.

Ohyeahitsme · 16/03/2026 21:32

AppropriateAdult · 16/03/2026 21:17

Some of the suggestions here sound great in theory, but in reality would come across as breathtakingly rude, especially to close family members.

It’s hard to see what heinous crime your guests have committed other than assuming that “coming for the weekend” meant two nights rather than one? I get it - I find it hard to relax with visitors in the house - but I still couldn’t bring myself to treat any close family member or friend in the way that’s being suggested here.

The OP needs to be rude as the "guests" are also being rude and not responding to polite hints and comments.

Chilly80 · 16/03/2026 21:38

I always ask what time are you arriving/leaving so I know what meals to plan.
And the 1 time someone asked to stay an extra night i just said no sorry. No is a complete sentence and its hard to argue with as you've not given them a reason. And you just have to repeat if they do try to argue. I'm very sorry but no. Never give a reason so they can't solve the problem.

AstonScrapingsNameChange · 16/03/2026 21:40

AppropriateAdult · 16/03/2026 21:17

Some of the suggestions here sound great in theory, but in reality would come across as breathtakingly rude, especially to close family members.

It’s hard to see what heinous crime your guests have committed other than assuming that “coming for the weekend” meant two nights rather than one? I get it - I find it hard to relax with visitors in the house - but I still couldn’t bring myself to treat any close family member or friend in the way that’s being suggested here.

Don't you think its breathtakingly rude to just assume you can stay another night, then the entire following morning?

Who does that? I can't get my head around it.

And I don't think it's the 2 nights that's the problem, so much as 'for the weekend' doesn't include until Monday afternoon. Most people would assume Fri and sat night = weekend.

But tbh honest OP does need to just be honest with them. Its possible that they are very thick skinned and don't take hints. They might be mortified to realise what an inconvenience they're being (clutches at straws). I do think you can't really complain about someone's behaviour if you haven't clearly told them you don't like it.

Gentlydoesit2 · 16/03/2026 21:54

This is why I don't have a spare room

Peakypeck · 16/03/2026 21:57

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Blossomtop · 16/03/2026 22:57

I too find this extremely tricky to navigate - when they are family you are close to and cherish but seem to frequently stay longer than you’d like. Firstly, start saying “let me check (diaries / with DP etc) and get back to you” - so you are establishing a boundary right from the get go, and staying at yours is not a right. Then, you can come back to them and say “these dates work for us”. Try to ensure you’re always in the driving seat. I’ve made this mistake and am also trying to claw back control while also not wanting to damage the relationship. Playing host for too long is tiring and can disrupt routines, so you’re well in your right, as is setting any other expectations during their stay if it’s more than a night or two e.g. I’ll need help with the dinner, or can someone help me wash up?

Prancingpickle · 16/03/2026 22:57

A weekend is 3 nights Friday - Monday if you only want them to stay 1 night tell them that. But honestly I think it's really shitty to expect them to do a 6hr round trip for 1 night!

SkyLark79 · 16/03/2026 23:04

I would be talking very loudly on Sunday afternoon about my Sunday evening/monday morning plans! They sound rather rude :(

MyMiniMetro · 17/03/2026 00:04

Frankly, they pull that shit once and they are never staying again. Don’t be a doormat ask them to leave. When they leave change the locks (cheap and easy to do yourself) in case they ‘borrowed the spare’. They obviously don’t give two hoots about you or they would have taken the hint.

If they ever ask or hint again say no, just no, not happening. I would even be worried about letting them in as visitors in case they bring their suitcase.

RosieRR · 17/03/2026 00:31

Hi we have lots of family and friends to stay and we, in return, stay at theirs. However, we always start with dates and times of arrival and leaving. Everyone needs to know the boundaries, especially the host. Issue them with a written itinerary before they come next time! And stick to it.

Gentlydoesit2 · 17/03/2026 05:46

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Ha. No. FO

Peakypeck · 17/03/2026 06:58

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JustSittinHereChillin · 17/03/2026 08:36

AppropriateAdult · 16/03/2026 21:17

Some of the suggestions here sound great in theory, but in reality would come across as breathtakingly rude, especially to close family members.

It’s hard to see what heinous crime your guests have committed other than assuming that “coming for the weekend” meant two nights rather than one? I get it - I find it hard to relax with visitors in the house - but I still couldn’t bring myself to treat any close family member or friend in the way that’s being suggested here.

So much this.

Whilst "no" is a whole sentence works in some situations, family relationships are far more nuanced. And some people are just really not with it.

My approach would be to agree times of arrival and departure ahead of the visit. I wouldn't bugger around making up excuses about being busy - I think that's almost as bad. If they wanted an explanation, I'd be completely open and say that I want / need the time to get the house in order and, with the working week being so busy, I must have some time to myself before the Monday grind starts. When people stay beyond that time it has a bad knock-on effect for the week.

If an extension was requested and I didn't want to acquiesce, I'd remind them about the time I need to myself being the reason it won't work.

If they tried to push back on that, I'd turn it around on them - I need my space and know you love me so I know you wouldn't want to start my week off on the wrong foot. I know you'll understand. It's been lovely seeing you and I look forward to the next time.

That sort of vibe. I don't believe in being dishonest. Be genuine. Explain. Reinforce how lovely it is to see them but you always ask guests to go by whenever because you know you need that personal time before the week starts. They can't take it personally, that way, they are ultimately told it's your preferred way of living in your own house. No one has a right to argue / disagree with that.

If, having done all that, they still try to push boundaries then it's fair game to be more direct without fear of repercussions. I have explained why I need this time, and you've not listened to me, which I find quite disrespectful / hurtful. It's disappointing but because you don't appear to respect me / my time, after I've tried really hard to explain what I need in my own home, it's a no to visits or you must absolutely be gone by time and, if you don't, we'll just have to forgego visiting.

Janey90 · 17/03/2026 16:10

I'd be completely open and say that I want / need the time to get the house in order and, with the working week being so busy, I must have some time to myself before the Monday grind starts. When people stay beyond that time it has a bad knock-on effect for the week.

@JustSittinHereChillin I totally get this. Earlier in the thread is mentioned my SIL, who lacks any self awareness, and she (and her DP) recently visited for the weekend, arriving at around 6pm on Friday evening and she was still here on Monday lunch time. DH and I both work FT and we were exhausted. Just having to be 'on' all the time is actually hard work! Getting zero downtime between two working weeks took some recovering from

pouletvous · 17/03/2026 18:13

For a three hour drive, i would expect them to stay until Monday. Two or three nights is fine for parents

any longer than 4 is too much