Why do people feel ok to extend their stay / outstay their welcome? And how to handle it .

[Boomboomi]

Aibu to get impatient when people who visit ( family) stay longer than period agreed.
Our relatives live a 3 hr drive away.
They have history of comming at Christmas and ending up staying until the new year and beyond.
We are finding that hard as ita a long time and v expensive , plus we also just want our house back . So this year we told them that period is too long for us - its either Christmas or new year not both In one stretch .
We will see how it goes this year based on this .
They came again last weekend. i had specially said yes you can come but will it just be the weekend, they said ‘yes’ . They arrived sat am and to me the weekend ends sun eve. They then said can we stay Sunday evening as the drive is too far to drive on a sat and a Sunday.
I said yes - reluctantly- as we had been trying to establish boundaries. ( my dh said some people think a weekend is sun eve , go home mon? And therefore nothing had changed?)
I was trying to find out when they were leaving and it was , oh we will need lunch, we may chill for a bit after lunch , we womt affect you/ be in your way … carry on with what you need to do ….

• aibu when people say / do things like this ?( they clearly enjoy coming, but i feel tnese when they extend the stay or drift around not going?
• am I totally un flexible or is it ok to want people to go when we agreed?!

Are these friends or relatives OP? Either way, you're best bet is to lie because they sound thick and selfish as shit. Firstly tell them that they can stay Friday and Saturday night but that Sunday you're holding an Ann Summers party or a seance at your house and every room, including the bedrooms, will be needed. Personally I'd stop inviting them but I realise that's not going to work if they're your in laws.

I had a hard time trying to establish boundaries with my dsis who lives overseas. I’d say 3 days, she’d agree then the next person she’d visit would cancel and she’d assume I’d be ok with her staying another week and of course I didn’t feel I could say no. It took 3 years for her to realise and respect my boundary - she thought family didn’t count 🙄

When they ask to stay for the weekend you just need to tell them they need to go before the working week.
Depending who they are you need to have a conversation with them and say that you enjoy your company but you can’t cope with their visits extending. Monday morning is not the weekend. They had a real cheek asking for lunch on the Monday. They were just trying to extend their day. Tell them to get lunch on the way.

These are not people who are getting hints so I think you have to be just as thick skinned and brazen as they are!

Come for the weekend, but we can only have you stay Saturday night.. 'oh but it's too far to drive, we will need to stay til Monday and have lunch' Sorry that doesn't work for us, we can only do Saturday night.

My sister and I get on really well and are quite blunt to each other.

This.

Why would you not do this?

If they try to change their minds, say "no that doesn't work for me".

They're being incredibly rude - why are you so worried they might think you are rude? Whether they realise it or not, they're taking advantage of you.

I think this is good 👍

”we agreed by text before hand it was a weekend”

Fine - so you are going to have to be more specific. If it’s too much for them to drive there and back on consecutive days (eye roll) then say, “Come Friday evening so we can do xxxx on Saturday, then I’m going to have to ask you to leave on Sunday because we’re out on Monday and I’m not comfortable leaving you in the house.” As for Christmas, just say, “Please come Christmas Eve until the day after Boxing Day, but we’re visiting friends after that so we won’t be here.” You have to agree an end point in advance, and if they say they “don’t mind” being left home alone or whatever, just say sorry, that doesn’t work for us: I need to be sure the house is locked up or whatever. They are trading on your politeness, so unfortunately, you have to develop a rhino-like hide to deal with them.

i cant / struggle to find a reason to say no

You don't need to find a reason; simply say "that won't work for us", and if they're rude enough to ask why not tell them you have "some personal stuff going on"

Anything further - *Oooo you won't notice we're here" - just revert to it not working for you

I live in an area people like to visit too. The requests are constants!

You need to ask, upfront, before you agree to the visit, what time they will be arriving and leaving. Most people fly to where I live, so I get them to send me their flight information or train timings at the time of “booking” their visit.

“Oh but we don’t know, there might be traffic” - for those who drive. Well Paul, plan to be here at 2pm and it’s not an issue if you are delayed, I will be in waiting for you. Don’t turn up early, I will not be at home.

“We will leave at 11am” - great, they are free to leave anytime before that, but at 11:15 I have a commitment for which I have to leave too, and my spare keys need to be inside the house when I lock it. So guests leave then.

You can arrive late and leave early, but not the other way around.

This sounds regimented but really isn’t - just enforces boundaries and obviously I remain flexible when it’s a close relative or friend that I genuinely don’t mind hosting for longer than planned. People who don’t respect your time and plans can be quite annoying!

I would hate this. And probably say if cannot stick to agreed visit time then no more invites....

I think it's time to give yourself some time off with this. You can't host this year. Next year doesn't look good either 😂

Seriously, I couldn't stand it. If they ask, say you're not up to it, you've too much on, you're busy etc etc and I wouldn't care about upsetting them either. You've done enough hosting!

You're not a guest house though!

Honestly, 'no' is a complete sentence. You don't need to give excuses. Its ok to be blunt with cheeky fuckers.

That makes it easy then. Tell everyone that people were using your house as free holiday accommodation and it was not enjoyable for you, so you have now limited hosting to one couple with one overnight a year. This years overnight has already been used, so no guests until 2027, but if they're in the area you love to meet them for a coffee.
If anyone gets pissy about it there's your proof they were just using you for your house. Genuine people can easily book an airb&b

Say “we need to decompress before another week of work begins”. If they say “oh don’t mind us” say “No, unfortunately my brain doesn’t work that way, it’s just too distracting knowing that guests are still here”.

It's them not you. They're totally pushing their luck.

Get your partner on board, and start being very firm that they need to leave.

"We won't be in your way"
"I need my own space back now."

"We'll just stay till lunch"
"Please could you leave now."

If you need to be rude, so be it, they have been rude first by pushing the boundaries.

Potentially good to have a few potential excuses up your sleeve...

Have a massage therapist / Estate agent / workman coming to measure up (whatever) and I need to be able to focus, get things ready and you being in the house will distract me.

Oh we will stay out of your way...

No, I'll know you're there and won't be able to focus / relax. It's best you leave at the time we agreed before. It's been such fun, thanks again for coming!

"We will need lunch" absolutely boils my blood. Cheeky fuckers, demanding meals when the parameters for the visit had been set!

Let me guess - they both have the hide of a rhino when it comes to picking up on hints to leave, but ALSO are incredibly sensitive and will get the hump if you just say no when they "ask" to stay longer?

We've had this before with guests who ask to come stay (also in a nice touristy area by the sea!). We now don't let people come the same weekend as if they stay the second weekend in July two years running they always seem to feel entitled to it every year after that, regardless of whether it's convenient for us or not.

When they ask:

• yeah, sorry we need the bedroom back on sunday night
• we've got some stuff going on sunday afternoon unfortunately
• that doesn't work for us this weekend, sadly

Another one I use sometimes is "unfortunately we have plans so that won't work, it's been lovely to see you though"

The "plans" in question usually being a long hot bath with a book and a glass of wine!

You need to be blunter. My brother has a habit of trying this on.

When I hear the "Ooh, we might just go tomorrow, traffic will be better..." I just reply with a "No you bloody won't, you said you were leaving today, you'll piss off today, I've got shit to do"

Who are these 'relatives'? It might be a bit more difficult to be as forthright with your partner's parents then it is to be with a more distance relative who wants to come and visit because you live near the seaside.
If they're telling you to carry on with what you're doing they're not visiting are they, because you aren't available for the visit, if you're working ,therefore they're just holidaying in your house.
Instead of all this establishing what's meant by a weekend, I would just reduce the number of times that you say yes to them coming . Is it OK if we come such such a weekend -no it isn't and just keep saying that. If they asked why, I would say because the length of time you stay is inconvenient. you must remember what it's like when you yourself are working full time trying to fit everything in and although you say to ignore you and just carry on this isn't what I want to do.

Tbh with repeated instances of this I would just be turning down any requests to stay from these people - I am guessing they are your in-laws?

They obviously are happy ignoring your obvious hints for them to leave.

The only way I'd even entertain it one more time would be to say specifically at the time of booking "Yes that weekend will be ok, but you will need to leave Sunday evening as I have people coming to the house for an early meeting on Monday", but even then it just sounds like they'd absent themselves for a couple of hours then be back again.

I'd probably just go with 'sorry, we're not able to have house guests at the moment, would love to catch up with you if you're staying nearby though?" and leave it at that. Assuming they're not actually your PIL, in which case it's a bit more difficult and you probably will just need to grit your teeth and expect the visit to be a bit longer than initially planned.

Depends who it is really. My adult dc come for a weekend and sometimes stay an extra night, but they’d usually run it by me first. Anyone else, absolutely not.

Ah yes my mother is like this. A weekend visit would entail her arriving at about 2pm on a Friday (whilst I’m still WFH) and then leaving Monday about midday. In the end I had to say look Friday doesn’t work for me. I’m tired after the working week and I don’t want to have to entertain when I just want to put my pjs on and be quiet (she’s a right chatterer too). So come Saturday around midday etc.

Anyway although it was hard to do (because she can get shitty if she doesn’t get her own way) she did accept it.

The problem you have is that you’ve already laid pretty good boundaries which they do not respect and clearly they will always come up with a counter argument which isn’t easy to say no to, because you end up looking like the unreasonable one.

I think you just have to be very blunt and say look, it’s not about you ‘being in the way’ - but I just want some time in my house without visitors and that’s perfectly reasonable.

Now fuck off……(mildly joking on that part)