Tips for keeping house clean when partner expects higher standards?

[Maryamlouise]

Does anyone have any tips on cleaning? I feel like if the genders were reversed my DP would be told that I am using weaponised incompetence but I am really not - I try my best to keep on top of everything and to prioritise the things that are important to DP but I really struggle. As one small example I did baking with the DC at the weekend and obviously didn't quite clean up enough as DP just got some icing on his stuff (appreciate that is annoying) but I genuinely thought I had wiped down all the sides (think I did this among cooking dinner, hanging up laundry and supervising play so maybe I just don't pay enough attention). I can't decide if I am really useless or if DP is expecting too much. I am not sure if a list would really help as its probably more the standard to which everything is done to that just isn't natural to me but also not sure how is achievable with working FT, having two primary school DC etc. Don't think a cleaner would really help as it is more the day to day mess that stresses DP out. I like a clean and tidy house but feel like that is only really possible if I don't really ever spend time with DC or DP so I can keep on top of everything. Do I need something like the organised mum method? What works for you?

If it was fine before kids, it sounds more like you need to sit down with him and work through all the chores/life adnin/childcare. I suspect that you've taken on loads more than 50/50 and as a result it genuinely is an impossible task. If you break it all down he might realise allllll the extra stuff you do and either do more to help or realise that this means other things fall away.
My dh used to love things being neat and tidy (I'm talking ensuring all the towels were equally spaced and square on the rail). I'm not that person and two school aged kids aren't aligned to that lifestyle- so our house is messier. That's fine, he is fine with it (occasionally he will crack and reorganise a cupboard to a high standard). It's like moaning about how much kids cost or moaning you can't go out anymore - he needs to realise kids come with chaos and if he wants it neater he'll have to do more as you're organising all the other stuff that comes with kids....

To me, he sounds (more than) a bit OCD. That dusting od baking stuff on hid jacket - that's him being precious and is not unreasonable.

And to head off all the " you're notba clinician, don't diagnose" types - I'm not anornithologic but I can identifyba duck.

Tell him that your mileages may vary, and yours differs from his. Neither of you are right or wrong; but, as long as safe standards of hygeine are being observed, you and your kids should be able to enjoy living in your home without him imposing his OTTness on his behaviour.

He isn't your boss, and he needs to get a grip on his obsession with cleanliness/ order, or at least recognise it is a him-problem

How can he be OCD when it doesn’t actually do any cleaning?

My top tip is to tell him if the cleaning doesn't meet his exacting standards then I am handing the job over to him!

Should have said "that's him being precious and is unreasonable".

He is being unreasonable to expect a spotless house with small children. It is more important that they have fun and get involved in experiences like craft and cooking than it is to grow up in an immaculate home.
He can have a spotless house again when the kids move out.

OK, then. He doesn't have OCD, just unreasonable standards and regards the OP as a malfunctioning minion.

Alternatively - he has a touch of OCD and a highly biddable minion.

As previously stated, I'm not a clinician so don't know whether it is possible to be OCD and too lazy to clean.

OCD wouldn't let him be too lazy to clean. That's where the OC bit comes in. As the mum of someone with OCD, whose life is taken over by it at times, I'm sick of people thinking anyone who likes a clean house has OCD.

Here's a tip - tell him to bloody well do it to his exacting standards.

No no, he’s a man so he must be wrong

this thread is the polar opposite of when a man leaves any form of mess after tidying. On those threads it’s always that he not good enough.

🥱

Get him to pay for a cleaner.

It wouldn’t stress you out at all, after the first couple of weeks. It’s much easier to keep on top of clean if someone else is doing the deep clean.

Or get him to do all the cleaning and reallocate the other jobs. I clean, my husband does all cooking and food shopping. It’s a fair split.

Throw him out. It will be even tidier then.

Why are you expected to do everything when you work full time? I think if your partner doesn't like they way something is he sorts it out without complaining.

This !!!

If your best isn’t good enough he needs to pop his marigolds in and crack on

Is this a joke ? Surely it is!!

If he's a reasonable person you need mutually agreed standards in communal areas which isn't one person imposing their point of view.

Do either of you have space that is exclusively yours and not shared? As adults you get to choose your standards for that office / shed etc. If he finds in use places stressful because they're messy, maybe he could do with a bit of space that's just his, set up to his specifications. (No, he can't retreat there to avoid parenting).

If he's not behaving reasonably you'll need a different solution like cleaning becomes mostly his job / divorce.

Get a husband who contributes and cleans to his own standard rather than expecting someone else to - glad I could help.

He is controlling and undermining you. The bit about giving him examples is a classic and allows him to deflect from his behaviour. What is the relationship like between his Father and Mother as no doubt it stems from that and/or he has an undiagnosed condition which was enabled by his parents. Given there is a child now in the equation, this behaviour needs to stop as will lead to your child either disrespecting you or making them anxious. The cycle will just keep going on and on.

What did he think life with two DC would be like ?!! Pristine ?!
tell him he’s welcome to re-clean everything himself to his high standards or STFU

Hand him the cleaning materials, vacuum cleaner mops and dusters and tell him to stick em all where the sun don't shine.
I worked full time, cooked, cleaned and entertained and my ex used to scan every room for cobwebs; sneeze and proclaim, "ugh! dust!", but always forgot to wipe his shoes on entering the house. He NEVER cleaned a single thing in our home. Did I say he's my ex? Need I say more!

What 'stuff got icing on it? Where? How?

So when DH fails to clean up properly I just need to suck it up and do it myself?