Tips for keeping house clean when partner expects higher standards?

[Maryamlouise]

Does anyone have any tips on cleaning? I feel like if the genders were reversed my DP would be told that I am using weaponised incompetence but I am really not - I try my best to keep on top of everything and to prioritise the things that are important to DP but I really struggle. As one small example I did baking with the DC at the weekend and obviously didn't quite clean up enough as DP just got some icing on his stuff (appreciate that is annoying) but I genuinely thought I had wiped down all the sides (think I did this among cooking dinner, hanging up laundry and supervising play so maybe I just don't pay enough attention). I can't decide if I am really useless or if DP is expecting too much. I am not sure if a list would really help as its probably more the standard to which everything is done to that just isn't natural to me but also not sure how is achievable with working FT, having two primary school DC etc. Don't think a cleaner would really help as it is more the day to day mess that stresses DP out. I like a clean and tidy house but feel like that is only really possible if I don't really ever spend time with DC or DP so I can keep on top of everything. Do I need something like the organised mum method? What works for you?

You were complaining about his nitpicking back in 2023, OP, and were vowing you needed to change in order to make him happy. That hasn't worked, has it? How have you managed to put up with this man all that time? If you knew he was away for a few days, how would you feel?

My OH is super, super tidy, but you can write your name in the dust on his shelves...
I hate dusting, but a good rule of thumb is to dust horizontal surfaces.
If you live together, then he has to contribute to the domestic engineering.

My DH is pedantically, fussily tidy. He tidies.
He did whinge a bit when the DC were small and I just told him I could do clean or super tidy and my priority was clean.

He also paid for a cleaner, still does, and I didn't work until the youngest was settled in reception.

May I gently suggest that next time yiur dh bends over to pick up something you give his backside a kick.

still trying to work out how icing sugar was still about adter wiping down and cleaning adter baking

You can either say show me how to do it then or the sponge is by the sink.

To answer your question I use the the organized mum method - its the only thing thats ever worked for me, but personally I would tell DH to clean it himself if it doesn't meet his standards

I mean, when you're busy like you were things get missed, DP could always go around and finish the bits that were missed instead of complaining about it.

Tell him to do the cleaning himself. You are not his maid.

Since you did cooking and childcare he ca do the clearing up - each work to your strengths

Either hire a cleaner or he does it himself

Yes it’s annoying if icing has been left on the side but surely he has access to eyes, hands, and cleaning products not just a mouth to nag about it

Hmm I’m not sure about this really. I think whoever is the cleaner one of the two needs to either do things to their standard or shut up about it, unless the person who is cleaner is just expecting normal clean standards and they’re working full time and the other person is at home and has time to clean. Depends which it is. I’m the cleaner one in my marriage. Dh just doesn’t organise and clean like I do. If I ask him to do something he’ll do it but it’s (in my opinion) a half arsed attempt and I just itch with rage (silently) until I can re do it. So basically I just do things myself. He isn’t being deliberately difficult, he just has completely different standards to me. It’s hard living with someone whose idea of clean and tidy is completely different to yours.

If my husband complained that my level of cleaning wasn't up to his standards, or even suggested it... he'd be told very bluntly that he could shove his complaint up his arse and do the frigging cleaning himself!!

I'm sorry OP, but WTF??! What is your oh, so, perfect husband doing whilst you're running around like a loon trying to do everything??? Sat on his arse, dictating to you how clean the house should be???

Why was "his stuff" in the middle of the kitchen ? Let me guess, it's fine for him to leave a laptop or random toolkit or other detritus in the middle of a working space ?

DH hates that I move his stuff [spare parts for DIY repairs usually] constantly - he puts it in the kitchen to remind him to do something. I'm unforgiving in that there's enough "stuff" on surfaces without interim clutter and he can find another staging post for his bit and pieces. But he also does all the cooking and since I do the cleaning, I can't be arsed with trying to clear flour or oil off stuff so it's clear surfaces as much as possible.

You have two children and the two of you work full time. If he wants things to be better, how are you both going to manage it and with a reasonable discussion as opposed to the man of the house having a tantrum.

Your DP is a twat.

"Man jobs" I expect. Stuff that isn't urgent but gets him out of entertaining his own children in messy play on the weekend.

Throw him a duster and a mop. Cheeky git 🤦‍♂️

no I meant "change partners" but yours is better

Quite. Can't he pick up a cloth and do some cleaning himself?

Same! I hope it's the case the cleaning etc for the house is shared equally, but I suspect not

Is this real? I thought you were gonna say you were a stay at home mum but if you're working FT as well then you both should be contributing equally to the household chores.

I also voted yABU because you are asking for tips. Seriously what does he do in the house. Cleaning is NOT your job. Yes clean up after doing the cakes by all means but if you were busy engaging your child, why was he not doing dinner and laundry?

Well surely it depends on how much cleaning this man is doing himself? Surely you don’t agree that it would be reasonable for the OP to be working full time plus being wholly responsible for all of the housework?

My tip is….a frozen leg of lamb could be a good murder weapon as you can then eat the evidence

Why is it on you to come up with a method to keep the house clean and tidy? This is a joint responsibility.

My DH and I both work FT. We have a mixture of shared tasks and tasks that each of us agrees to be responsible for.

If one person thinks the other isn't doing their tasks well enough or isn't pulling their weight with the joint stiff, we say so, but politely when possible and not in a naggy way. Sometimes it means one person is temporarily more busy or stressed and needs extra help. Sometimes one of us is genuinely just bad at doing something well and needs the other one to show us (I am in some respects not very domesticated and low-key incompetent so I have genuinely learned more efficient floor-mopping and duvet-changing techniques from my DH... likewise he needed some serious educating on what constitutes a good enough clean of the sink... we're working it out!).

My own domestic arrangements are far from perfect but the key surely is it's on both of you to devise the system that works for you best. I don't agree with those saying that if it isn't good enough he should do it all himself - that's the sort of shitty attitude that usually gets women lumbered with all the work. But it doesn't sound like the current approach is working for you either.

If it's genuinely a matter of differing standards, maybe he needs to be more explicit about what his standards are, or maybe he needs to take on the things he doesn't think you do well enough whilst you pick up slack elsewhere. Or maybe he needs to compromise and be more accepting. I do think that anyone, man or woman, who insists on rigidly, overly high standards and gets grumpy when others don't meet them does need a reality check and to accept responsibility for doing more if they refuse to flex. Unfortunately 'overly high' is subjective though...

Btw I can totally see how the icing thing might happen. After my last baking escapade I thought I'd got it all and noticed the next morning that some was clinging to the outside of a bag of bread and a bit to the toaster. My bad - I can relate. Luckily my DH is quite chill though (actually not luckily... it's part of why I married him. Someone with very high standards would have run for the hills from me by now).

My top tip ?
Hey DP help clean up please 😁

First of all I would like to know how much time and effort he is contributing to keeping his home immaculate?

Secondly, he needs to catch on if he thinks there's any prospect at all of a permanently pristine house while there are small children living in it. You're right to prioritise looking after the children. A small amount of icing missed in a general clean up is just one of those things he needs to be able to deal with as a parent.