Tips for keeping house clean when partner expects higher standards?

[Maryamlouise]

Does anyone have any tips on cleaning? I feel like if the genders were reversed my DP would be told that I am using weaponised incompetence but I am really not - I try my best to keep on top of everything and to prioritise the things that are important to DP but I really struggle. As one small example I did baking with the DC at the weekend and obviously didn't quite clean up enough as DP just got some icing on his stuff (appreciate that is annoying) but I genuinely thought I had wiped down all the sides (think I did this among cooking dinner, hanging up laundry and supervising play so maybe I just don't pay enough attention). I can't decide if I am really useless or if DP is expecting too much. I am not sure if a list would really help as its probably more the standard to which everything is done to that just isn't natural to me but also not sure how is achievable with working FT, having two primary school DC etc. Don't think a cleaner would really help as it is more the day to day mess that stresses DP out. I like a clean and tidy house but feel like that is only really possible if I don't really ever spend time with DC or DP so I can keep on top of everything. Do I need something like the organised mum method? What works for you?

Next time he starts moaning say to him
“look before you complain why don’t you just clean it to your standard and think that whilst I had cleaning I also hung out laundry, entertained the kids, paid their lunch bill, bathed them (eh as refer jobs you do each evening) and having a mown at me whilst not considering why I might not have time to clean to operating theatre standards is much more progressive than this”

I think this is what I don't know in terms of standards and expectations

I don't think he is lazy but I think I do more overall (but maybe he would say that too). I don't think I am messy but I think he would say it is annoying I can't remember certain things that particularly annoy him.

I think we both like a clean and tidy house (and pre DC don't remember issues around cleaning and tidying) but I can cope more with the chaos of kids and he can't. He thinks for example DC should always put everything away before moving onto playing with the next thing whereas I think it is fine if they have multiple stuff out - I would say great that they are playing something involved with multiple toys (and would help them tidy up later on in the day) - he would probably frame it as they are taking up too much space with their toys and it's in the way.

TBF to me everyone then told me I should try harder and was being unreasonable!

If your DH does things as he’s going along and that system works for him that’s fine, but he does need to understand that given you’re dealing with the children at the same time as cooking, etc, it’s quite hard to do as you’re going along as you’re already multitasking.

It does suggest he’s leaving the main cleaning to you, as I’m sure he doesn’t deep clean the bathroom or kitchen each time he uses it, or clean the skirting boards as he walks through a room, etc.

So probably what you need is a cleaning rota/list of what’s your responsibility and what’s his. This way it’ll be easier for you to
focus on certain things rather than getting overwhelmed and trying to quickly clean a bit of everything. It will also give him a bit more insight as to what you’re up against, especially if you’re struggling with examples when you try to talk.

It’s good that he does do some of the load, but there needs to be more of a balance.

Why doesn’t your DP clean?? Why are you worrying about his high standards, is he abusive in other ways?

You can’t live like that when you have kids. They will never be able to relax. And nor will you.
I used to fret when my DC was younger, trying to keep everything as it was before I had him in case someone came to the house, then my mum had a word with me - she said you can’t have young children and have a show home, especially if you’re working as well. So I chilled out a bit and it made me less stressed and enjoy my time with DC so much more, as I was focused on him rather than the mess. Then when he went to bed I did a big tidy up.

Thanks

I think the issue is I try to take on board his methods for things but I am less fussy so it isn't balanced out. Rebalancing overall responsibilities might be best - I agree it shouldn't be up to me to solve but if it ends up fixed then that's fine with me

And agree icing is tricky - eldest was in charge of that while I was helping youngest with cake batter so think it also spread further than normal

And how involved is he with the children, or does he think they're just nice ornanents to collect and display.

Children do bring disorder into a home. It can be sparkling clean in the morning and look chaotic by the afternoon. As long as it's functionally clean, tidied up and reset to a functional level, that's fine, but to expect a constant gleaming showhome is unrealistic. It's a family home not a pintrest board.

I think I would lose the partner! He sounds awful and really unrealistic re life with kids.

Looking after kids isn’t you making a mess after all. And if you’re doing the job of looking after and playing with them, or whatever you are doing, he can take the job of cleaning up!

I think this thread is stuck in a fifties time warp.

Top tip - if your standards aren’t high enough, tell him he can redo to his standard

This

If it doesn’t live up to his standards he can bloody well do it himself

Just tell him you have different standards and you will clean to yours and he can then clean it to his standard if it bugs him. If he asks for examples turn it round and ask him. He’s trying to turn you into something you’re not.

I'd deal with it by telling him to stop being a controlling arse. That the kids being happy and having fun is more important than a spotless house, and that if he doesn't like it then he's free to get it up to his standards himself.

God I couldn't cope with a nit picky bastard moaning about everything I did. You should have left him back in 2023 by the sounds of it.

"I can't decide if I am really useless or if DP is expecting too much."

Given this post, I'm inclined to say your DP is expecting too much. He is expecting children to behave like orderly adults, but they're not - they're children. And as children, they are learning about the world. I would hate for them to learn that their father considers them to be so very inconvenient to be around.

Children make mess. He should be involved in the cleaning up of that mess, not involved in suppressing childhood activities. Your DP actually needs to grow up a little, and be more of an adult himself.

In my house, the person who notices the mess cleans it up.

Marriage is about compromise. I'm the one who cleans "properly" but DH does a pretty good job.

DH does the ironing, he likes his shirts ironed "properly" I do a pretty good job, but he's way better at it than I am.

Our motto is "don't be a dick" if the job's been done, accept it with grace.

Let him do it himself so it meets his standards

So you facilitated his weekend away and he felt it was appropriate to have a jolly good whinge that you hadn't followed his process for cleaning the kitchen while looking after both your children......

You need to find your inner fuse, light it and tell him to stand right back.

Introduce him to the concept of doing it himself.

Spend time with the children and tell your DP to get stuffed. Before you know it the children will be adults, and you will have missed their childhood by trying to keep your house clean and tidy. You obviously do a lot more than with them than DP does and it's impossible to keep everything clean and perfect.

@Bjorkdiditi thought the exact same thing! (Shudder) Definite Sleeping with the Enemy vibes.

Why doesn’t he bake with DC?

What sort of things does he do with DC?

What are his methods/systems? You say you try and take on board his methods? Does he compromise or does everything has to be his way? Does he cook because he thinks he is better than you or he is cooking what he thinks people should be eating or because he enjoys cooking?

^This.

This is the only tip you need @Maryamlouise

This. Get rid of him, take a deep breath & relax. Give your children the chance of a relaxed childhood.

I pity any child growing up under his regime. Poor kids.