To tell a friend I can’t continue this level of help?

[Cosmicpickle]

The context I suppose is that I have 2 under 2, husband does work long hours but is genuinely great both as a partner and as a dad, I know I’m very lucky there and no complaints. Our friends had a baby at the same time we had our youngest, there is one week between them. My youngest is what I’d call an easy baby, sleeps well, feeds well, happy to just be here and really is no hassle at all beyond what you’d expect from a 4 month old. My friends baby on the other hand is a more difficult baby, doesn’t sleep well, cries a lot, issues with feeding, doesn’t like to be put down etc. Her partner isn’t a great support, see’s his days off as his time, his time after work as his down time- you get the picture, not particularly helpful. Her mum goes round 2 days a week to help her out and when the babies were tiny she asked if I would mind taking her baby for a few hours a couple days a week so she could catch up on sleep, rest, clean etc as she was really struggling. I remember all too well how hard it was being a first time mum with a tricky baby so I was happy to help and initially it was 2 days a week, 9am-lunchtime ish, yes it was a handful with my own 2 plus hers but it was okay and I knew she was finding it hard.

The problem is that now the babies are 4 months old and we’re still doing this except over time it has become longer and longer. The last two weeks one of the days has been 9:30am until 5pm, tomorrow she has asked if it could be the same and has also asked if I could have him overnight on Saturday so she can go out. Now I can manage but obviously with 2 under 2 myself it can be tricky and just a lot really with the 3, and the overnight- her partner isn’t working, he’s off, but she knows he won’t agree to have their child alone overnight so has asked me instead.

It feels like it has become just too much and I need to pull back a bit but is that unreasonable? I know she is struggling, genuinely, and I know how hard that is, I don’t want to be cruel and I don’t want to make her life harder, I can manage, I don’t mind helping, but this just feels like too much now. Especially as the babies aren’t tiny newborns anymore who are happy to just be in the pram or sleeping, days out are getting trickier with a toddler and 2 babies! AIBU?

Yadnbu. She is taking the piss now

Bloody hell, YANBU. You have the patience of a saint. You've already done a significant amount to help, which was incredibly kind, but I can absolutely see why it's too much.

She's not a single mother - You're basically acting as a substitute for her useless husband. He's the one se needs to pressurise for help, not you.

So no, don't feel guilty about saying you can't continue to look after her baby all the time. Her partner will learn how to do it when he's made to, and that's the route your friend needs to go down.

Just tell her you're upset that a few hours a week is constantly increasing and you're unable to continue. The childs father needs to look after them.

Does she pay you or provide food?

You are both a saint and a mug

tell her it’s not working for you any more.

Bloody hell is this real?!

She's taking the piss massively.

You have been very VERY (too?) generous and it's time to get some boundaries.

Her having a baby with a selfish knob is not your problem to clear up.

She can't be struggling that much if she's going on a big night out.

I would say MAX once a week for a couple of hours. And maybe another time you hang out together with all the babies.

I had no family help and no friend help and yes it was really hard, I wouldn't wish that on anyone, but she has her mum and partner!

Bloody hell he should be mortified. What a waste of space male specimen. You are a friend not a nanny, definitely pull right back.

I cant believe you've got into this; its madness

Also interested to know what you get out of this friendship?

Does she help you?

Listen to you?

Show her love for you?

Why do you think would be unreasonable to say you can't keep looking after 3 children whilst she looks after no children?

Op, I think you know this is completely unreasonable of her. You are clearly a lovely person but this is taking advantage of you.

Just say no. Her baby her business how it’s looked after. Can’t believe the cheek.

Yes, I think OP does actually know the answer to this AIBU.

Just say no, you’ve been a good friend but really she’s getting free childcare, she needs to speak to her partner and get him to step up. Just explain as your own two are getting bigger they’re more of a handful and you can’t help her anymore.

I think you're basically her childminder now. You should register with Ofsted.

You know it's time to step back. She's taking advantage now

Nooooo! Use the request for overnight help as the reason to pull out of this completely. I can’t imagine doing this at all, let alone with 2 under 2 already.

So you are basically helping enable a grown man who was happy to help produce the baby but has no interest beyond that?

Before she reaches the point of no return with him you need to talk to her and they need to sort this out.

You can be kind and firm explaining that you were happy to help during the first few crazy weeks but they are parents now and need to put their baby before going out.

This is absurd, tell her you are no longer available for any help, she is not your friend op.

She's got one baby, you've got two. She's taking the piss (so is her DH, but that's her problem to solve).

What is she doing from 9 till 5????

Thank you all for your responses. I suppose the issue I have is that I honestly do believe she is struggling, she is often in tears when I go round or when she drops him off here, I know she is overwhelmed and I totally agree her partner needs to be doing more but if he isn’t and I also withdraw my help I feel bad that she is the only one who suffers. That’s really why I am questioning my unreasonableness, in any other situation I would say I’m not, but in the scenario where she really does seem very dependent on this help and I’m seeing her in tears multiple times every week it just feels different. It feels like I’d be kicking her when I know she is already down and that feels awful, I know how hard it can be to ask for help.

I do agree though it is just too much now and as much as I want to help it has become too much, thank you.

How would you approach it though? A text? In person?

her partner isn’t working, he’s off, but she knows he won’t agree to have their child alone overnight so has asked me instead

WTAF?

You’re enabling this useless twat of a man and your pisstaking friend doesn’t have to deal with him because you’re grinding yourself into the ground. She’s absolutely ridiculous. I expect you’ll pull back (please for the love of god stop doing any of it) and she’ll drop you like a stone.

“Hi Sarah, actually seeing as you raise the subject of plans, I’m finding things quite tough at the moment with two small children and you’ve always said good friends support each other so I was thinking you could have my two a couple of days a week for the next month to make up for the days I’ve had yours?”

You won’t hear another thing from her.

She sees you as the (presumably unpaid) hired help and is utterly taking advantage.

You were very kind, but frankly a bit daft, to start looking after someone else's baby when you had a newborn of your own.

Put a stop to this before it gets even more entrenched. A firm "God no, that's far to much with my own 2" to the overnight request, followed by "actually, me helping out was only ever meant to be temporary. I'm finding it exhausting so from next week I'm happy to meet up with the kids and go to the park once a week but I won't be doing any more childcare."

You are enabling her lazy fuckwit of a bloke OP.

What happens when he knocks her up again, are you going to lug that one about as well?

You don't need to pull back, you need to say no completely. Or you'll end up having her kid overnight more than she does.