To tell a friend I can’t continue this level of help?

[Cosmicpickle]

The context I suppose is that I have 2 under 2, husband does work long hours but is genuinely great both as a partner and as a dad, I know I’m very lucky there and no complaints. Our friends had a baby at the same time we had our youngest, there is one week between them. My youngest is what I’d call an easy baby, sleeps well, feeds well, happy to just be here and really is no hassle at all beyond what you’d expect from a 4 month old. My friends baby on the other hand is a more difficult baby, doesn’t sleep well, cries a lot, issues with feeding, doesn’t like to be put down etc. Her partner isn’t a great support, see’s his days off as his time, his time after work as his down time- you get the picture, not particularly helpful. Her mum goes round 2 days a week to help her out and when the babies were tiny she asked if I would mind taking her baby for a few hours a couple days a week so she could catch up on sleep, rest, clean etc as she was really struggling. I remember all too well how hard it was being a first time mum with a tricky baby so I was happy to help and initially it was 2 days a week, 9am-lunchtime ish, yes it was a handful with my own 2 plus hers but it was okay and I knew she was finding it hard.

The problem is that now the babies are 4 months old and we’re still doing this except over time it has become longer and longer. The last two weeks one of the days has been 9:30am until 5pm, tomorrow she has asked if it could be the same and has also asked if I could have him overnight on Saturday so she can go out. Now I can manage but obviously with 2 under 2 myself it can be tricky and just a lot really with the 3, and the overnight- her partner isn’t working, he’s off, but she knows he won’t agree to have their child alone overnight so has asked me instead.

It feels like it has become just too much and I need to pull back a bit but is that unreasonable? I know she is struggling, genuinely, and I know how hard that is, I don’t want to be cruel and I don’t want to make her life harder, I can manage, I don’t mind helping, but this just feels like too much now. Especially as the babies aren’t tiny newborns anymore who are happy to just be in the pram or sleeping, days out are getting trickier with a toddler and 2 babies! AIBU?

Evil...😂

This.

Neither her or her husband are working but she's trying to palm the baby off on you overnight - when you already have your own 2 children to look after? - presumably so that they can get a good nights sleep?!

What a cheeky fucking cow. And sorry, PND or not, she's taking the piss. Massively.

This, but don't say the last bit, because there'll be an emergency every day.

This isn't remotely normal. Your friends mum is there two days and you're having her child another two? And she's so exhausted she needs to sleep but can rouse herself for a Saturday night out? I get she's not having as easy a life as she'd like. It is tough, but there's a balance between accepting reasonable help when desperate and expecting you to facilitate her to have full days off and nights out.
If you can, honesty is the best policy, so saying you think you're doing too much now and feel she's being unfair would be best. Because if you give her reasons then she'll keep coming up with solutions that mean you can still do it.

.

You’re doing the right thing drawing a line under this. You’re not the right person for her to ask for help, you have two tiny children yourself!

Perhaps if he doesn’t want to be “badmouthed” all over town, he could put on his big boy pants and, you know…..parent his own child. Instead of choosing to palm his big boy responsibilities off on his MIL and another young mum with more children than him?

Hang on a minute, I've just re-read the OP again.

She has asked OP to look after her baby OVERNIGHT on Saturday so that she can go on a night out whilst her husband is at home doing nothing?!?!?!

Are you having a fucking laugh?

You are effectively co-parenting with her while her other half looks on. The odd hour here and there is a totally different kettle of fish.

Let us know what she says to you pushing back.

That must have been really hard, I do think twin mums must be superwoman! This is the issue I have really because she has never ever been a CF about anything, ever. We’ve been friends for a long time and in all the time I’ve known her she has been a great friend, always happy, someone who is happy to help anyone, so to see her like this really is not like her and that is what worries me most.

I know she does seem like a CF, maybe she is and she has just manipulated me with well timed tears, I don’t know, but my real worry is that she is someone who is really genuinely struggling and I’d be making that worse by stepping back.

I’ve sent the text now so I suppose I’ll see how she responds!

I don’t get this bit

She begged my husband not to say anything to him as she didn’t want him knowing she was talking about him or “badmouthing” him to other people

That ship has surely sailed.
The fact he has driven his wife to dump their new born on other people because he can’t be arsed to look after his own baby
She doesn’t need to say anything. People already know

You’re a mug op. She’s outsourcing and dumping her child 4 times a week and being a mother for less than half the time. You have 2 under 2! Why are you not angry at how brazenly she’s taking advantage of you. Who leaves their 4mo baby for an entire day??

The DH is the CF in this scenario. Let us know what response you get…

If she is truly struggling to this extent then she needs to get professional support, not keep pushing more and more onto you.

Of course it would help if her DP was not a useless clod but your helping is just getting him off the hook. He needs to step up and look after his own children.

Either way, you've given enough, this is already ridiculous, YANBU to step back.

She has been taking advantage of you and you don't seem to see that!

I was going to post similar to this @Cosmicpickle

I got a bit of a chill when you used the phrase ‘badmouthing him’ in your earlier post. It’s something I have only ever heard come from women that already have a level of fear of their partners, even if they don’t recognise it as that themselves yet. It gives strong ‘walking on eggshells’ vibe.

Be there or your friend but withdraw gently. You have too much on your own plate and you will start to be run down or even ill yourself if you continue. If you need a bit of thinking time to formulate a conversation with her just say you feel you are coming down with something and then use that in a few days to tell her you need to scale back to your own kids and responsibilities. Good luck.

Fucking hell, this is madness. Why did these 2 clowns have a baby when clearly neither of them wants to look after it?

I can't bloody stand people who try and make their problems into your problems. Just say no more childcare. Your kids are getting less attention due to another random baby always being there, which isn't fair.

Tell her babies can attend nursery from 12 weeks so there's a solution.

She needs to get her husband/partner to step up to the plate... I can't believe she has the cheek to be asking you, who has two small children to her one! Here and there is fine, but she has made it a habit! I think she is totally taking the piss out of you!
She needs to address the situation with her husband, not facilitate the useless piece of shit!

My own two babies are awake from nap now but I will check back later and update with any response! She does usually reply to texts pretty quickly so if I haven’t heard anything by later on then I would be very surprised to be honest.

Thank you all again, it can be hard to see things clearly when you are right in the middle of it and I really do appreciate all of the advice.

Having a baby IS overwhelming. The way you deal with it so it becomes less overwhelming is to find your own way of being a parent, not palm them off on someone else.

I can't quite believe anyone would do this with a new baby so although she's massively taking the piss, it's so weird (to me) that I'd be wondering if she's having serious post-natal mental health issues.

Otherwise I agree with the pp who said you should say you're going to leave your kids with her next time...

If she's really struggling then she needs to get help @Cosmicpickle . Palming a 4 month old baby off on her friend and mum multiple times a week is only pushing the problem back.

She also needs to bin off address her useless husband who apparently can't even look after his own child.

Well done for sending the text.

She is massively taking advantage of you and manipulating you OP.

If she is a genuine friend the response you will get is:

"That's not a problem at all Bernard. I understand completely. I truly appreciate every single thing you have done to help over the past months. If ever I can do anything to help you, you know where I am. Thank you again so much."

If you get anything other than words to this effect she has been using you.

She’s taking the piss and a real friend would never ask as friend to do this.