To tell a friend I can’t continue this level of help?

[Cosmicpickle]

The context I suppose is that I have 2 under 2, husband does work long hours but is genuinely great both as a partner and as a dad, I know I’m very lucky there and no complaints. Our friends had a baby at the same time we had our youngest, there is one week between them. My youngest is what I’d call an easy baby, sleeps well, feeds well, happy to just be here and really is no hassle at all beyond what you’d expect from a 4 month old. My friends baby on the other hand is a more difficult baby, doesn’t sleep well, cries a lot, issues with feeding, doesn’t like to be put down etc. Her partner isn’t a great support, see’s his days off as his time, his time after work as his down time- you get the picture, not particularly helpful. Her mum goes round 2 days a week to help her out and when the babies were tiny she asked if I would mind taking her baby for a few hours a couple days a week so she could catch up on sleep, rest, clean etc as she was really struggling. I remember all too well how hard it was being a first time mum with a tricky baby so I was happy to help and initially it was 2 days a week, 9am-lunchtime ish, yes it was a handful with my own 2 plus hers but it was okay and I knew she was finding it hard.

The problem is that now the babies are 4 months old and we’re still doing this except over time it has become longer and longer. The last two weeks one of the days has been 9:30am until 5pm, tomorrow she has asked if it could be the same and has also asked if I could have him overnight on Saturday so she can go out. Now I can manage but obviously with 2 under 2 myself it can be tricky and just a lot really with the 3, and the overnight- her partner isn’t working, he’s off, but she knows he won’t agree to have their child alone overnight so has asked me instead.

It feels like it has become just too much and I need to pull back a bit but is that unreasonable? I know she is struggling, genuinely, and I know how hard that is, I don’t want to be cruel and I don’t want to make her life harder, I can manage, I don’t mind helping, but this just feels like too much now. Especially as the babies aren’t tiny newborns anymore who are happy to just be in the pram or sleeping, days out are getting trickier with a toddler and 2 babies! AIBU?

She's taking the piss massively. Ive been down this road and had a couple of hours creeping up and up until it was full days. I was being made a mug of and you are too OP.
In the end I stopped answering the door (no mobile phones back then)
Honestly OP, she is taking the piss and you need to out your foot down

You quite rightly spoke of mothers of twins being superwomen; I can't begin to imagine - but - has it occurred to you that, by default, you are in that position yourself two days every week, with two babies of the same age, plus a toddler?
What will she do when you reach the end of your tether, and she has not developed coping skills? A crisis situation is brewing, and somebody needs to call a halt.

The last two weeks one of the days has been 9:30am until 5pm, tomorrow she has asked if it could be the same and has also asked if I could have him overnight on Saturday so she can go out. Now I can manage but obviously with 2 under 2 myself it can be tricky and just a lot really with the 3, and the overnight- her partner isn’t working, he’s off, but she knows he won’t agree to have their child alone overnight so has asked me instead.

No, it's not your job to take on her partner's responsibilities. He's taking the mick.

I have sympathy with her as I've had that tricky baby BUT she should not be putting so much on you. Like someone else said, i'm amazed she even asked you for this level of help knowing you had a newborn and another one at home.

I don't necessarily think she's a CF, she does sound like she needs to get some help from both GP and husband. But in the nicest possible way, I do wonder if you have enabled her a bit OP, just purely by being so available and helpful. As a new parent you have to learn to just get on with things and find your way, constantly relying on others is not going to help her long term. Also why on earth can't her husband have the baby overnight?? He's a parent too!!

Your poor friend.

Yes, of course you need to pull back, but I think if she's struggling to this extent I'd be more inclined to sit down with her and have a long talk about what's going on.

As for your husband telling hers anything....yikes! He sounds useless, and she's asked for him not to do this because her husband wouldn't like it.

Is there more going on??? Is she in some sort of abusive relationship?

I know it's not your problem to solve, but if she's struggling so much helping her to get some sort of proper help will assist both of you.

This time with your own children being little is precious - speaking as an empty nester!!

It sounds like she isn’t suited for caring for an infant. Perhaps her baby would best be placed with someone who can look after them.

Gosh @Cosmicpickle you are a very good friend. Too good.

I'm interested in knowing what she is doing the 4 days she has childcare. Is she sleeping or is she working?

Agree with pp the husband needs a mega boot up the arse. I'd be tempted to have your husband say this is unfair on you (not just his wife and child!) and he needs to step up.

This bears repeating! Very true!

Precisely this. She's totally ripping the piss out of OP.
Why parent your own child when some other mug is prepared to do it for you

What is she doing when other people have the baby for these very prolonged periods? It’s massive amounts of time not to be with your baby.

Honestly - I started doing similar for a friend. Had them after school and the odd night when she had to go away with work because her ex was useless. It because 4 years of 3xnights a week after school and 6-10 weeks of them living at mine while she travelled with her job. No pay. A bottle of wine a few times. When I said I couldn’t do it any more (family issues with my eldest) I was dropped like a week old turd. Never again.

She says in the OP

She asked if I would mind taking her baby for a few hours a couple days a week so she could catch up on sleep, rest, clean etc

Not sure when she expects @Cosmicpickle to catch up on her sleeping, resting and cleaning with 2 kids under 2 AND babysitting for her 2 days a week.

I don't think she's meaning to take the piss, but she is getting more and more dependent on you - and that isn't helping her in the long term.

Hopefully she'll get some outside help but she cannot expect you to continue on like this.

She is struggling to cope, but not struggling to go out on the piss on a Saturday night .

I think she has your number , OP, time to set some boundaries.

I don’t see the problem with your partner having a word. It’s not like your friend asked him to. He can mention how it’s affecting both you and him because you’re both exhausted looking after multiple small kids, the guy needs to step up, and would he like any advice on how to be a responsible parent and supportive partner.

I agree that filling in the gaps doesn’t actually help her in the long term - no matter how needy she is, she’s the one who has to figure out as plan for her life! She can’t dump her baby on other people forever!

I actually know someone who does similar for their grandchildren.

Mum on maternity leave, Dad works part time. 2 kids under 3. Grandma has them every single weekend from Friday morning - Sunday afternoon so they can "rest".

At least in that case it's an actual relative with no small children of her own but still fucking cheeky imo.

the way she responds will probably clarify whether it is honestly being overwhelmed or cheeky fuckery although I agree with the pp's that it's the night out that is tipping it towards the second. Any decent person would be responding with abject apologies that she's asked too much of you, as well as heartfelt thanks for everything you've done so far. If she replies along those lines I'd give her the benefit of the doubt. Anything else - guilt tripping, more sob stories, or even no response at all = CF.

You sound like such a lovely friend. You've helped her so much. You can definitely set some boundaries now as it's too much on you to do all that childcare. Honestly I'd be tempted to say something to her useless husband.

How is she ever even going to bond with her baby if you have them all the time? not criticising you whatsoever, I cant even dream of having such an amazing friend that they would agree to this arrangement. I also understand how hard it is with a baby that has sleeping difficulties, cries a lot, etc.

However, it is crucial that she develops the skillsket to deal with this by herself. You handling the baby for her is ultimately enabling her to not get used to parenting and will continue to make her feel like shes struggling. I know you have good intentions in helping her, but it is her who is at fault for now fobbing her child off onto you two full days a week, without paying you 😐😐😐 my goodness me. I will never understand the audacity of some people. Expecting you to care for her infant baby who needs her so she can go on a night out and disguising it as being stressed and in the name of friendship. When her deadbeat partner sits at home acting like he isnt a father. Bizarre.

Having a baby is stressful and overwhelming. This is a pretty well known fact. Although, the ultimate issue here is that her partner is anything but, and needs a major kick up the arse or otherwise may as well just leave. Im really confused as to why people have kids just to fob them off onto whoever is closest the second they start 'struggling', as if parenting is supposed to be a breeze. I feel so deeply sorry for this baby, who isnt even allowed to be a baby and do baby things like cry and fuss without his parents sodding them off on whoever is free at the time. Im all about support, but there's a fine line between support and doing somebody's parenting role for them. Know too many of them.

Tell her youre not doing it anymore unless she pays you, or better yet not at all. Dont let her tell you shes struggling, youre struggling to manage your own two children as well as hers, when they are not your legal responsibility. Childcare is not charity work, its bloody hard, and if she bothered to spend a day with her baby she'd truly appreciate that. Remind her that her baby wants her, the mother, not you, the friend. They will never form a closer bond with this ridiculous arrangement at such a tender age.

Nope. Just a mug.

No way! After 4 years?. Some people are unbelievable.

She probably said to her partner / husband that she wants to go on a night out and he said "Just ask @Cosmicpickle to look after the baby as she does 2 days a week anyway". It probably wouldn't even occur to him to look after his own child.

It's probably got to the point now where it's just second nature / expected. Need to catch up on sleep, get some cleaning done, nip to the shops? Just drop the baby off at @Cosmicpickle house. Never mind the fact that she has 2 kids of her own and we can't even manage one between two of us."

I'm glad you have told your friend that the current set up isn't working for you and no to the overnight. As hard as it is to say no, you absolutely have too, because actually long-term, you aren't helping her deal with the real issue, which is her useless partner.

She has to speak to him, make him aware how much she's struggling and that the baby is his responsibility, as much as he is hers. Unfortunately, there seems to be a huge amount of men out there who thinking looking after children and chores are women's work, and holding down a job is enough.

I know you feel guilty, but you have bent over backwards to support your friend, whilst having two very young children yourself, to look after. It's much much more than a lot of people would have done.

I think you need to encourage her to seek some support from her GP, as it sounds as if she could have PND.