To tell a friend I can’t continue this level of help?

[Cosmicpickle]

The context I suppose is that I have 2 under 2, husband does work long hours but is genuinely great both as a partner and as a dad, I know I’m very lucky there and no complaints. Our friends had a baby at the same time we had our youngest, there is one week between them. My youngest is what I’d call an easy baby, sleeps well, feeds well, happy to just be here and really is no hassle at all beyond what you’d expect from a 4 month old. My friends baby on the other hand is a more difficult baby, doesn’t sleep well, cries a lot, issues with feeding, doesn’t like to be put down etc. Her partner isn’t a great support, see’s his days off as his time, his time after work as his down time- you get the picture, not particularly helpful. Her mum goes round 2 days a week to help her out and when the babies were tiny she asked if I would mind taking her baby for a few hours a couple days a week so she could catch up on sleep, rest, clean etc as she was really struggling. I remember all too well how hard it was being a first time mum with a tricky baby so I was happy to help and initially it was 2 days a week, 9am-lunchtime ish, yes it was a handful with my own 2 plus hers but it was okay and I knew she was finding it hard.

The problem is that now the babies are 4 months old and we’re still doing this except over time it has become longer and longer. The last two weeks one of the days has been 9:30am until 5pm, tomorrow she has asked if it could be the same and has also asked if I could have him overnight on Saturday so she can go out. Now I can manage but obviously with 2 under 2 myself it can be tricky and just a lot really with the 3, and the overnight- her partner isn’t working, he’s off, but she knows he won’t agree to have their child alone overnight so has asked me instead.

It feels like it has become just too much and I need to pull back a bit but is that unreasonable? I know she is struggling, genuinely, and I know how hard that is, I don’t want to be cruel and I don’t want to make her life harder, I can manage, I don’t mind helping, but this just feels like too much now. Especially as the babies aren’t tiny newborns anymore who are happy to just be in the pram or sleeping, days out are getting trickier with a toddler and 2 babies! AIBU?

Did you manage to speak to her mother yet OP?

She is not necessarily thinking that rationally. And if her husband had rung her while she was out she could say anything, it's not as if the baby is going to answer the call.

She is not necessarily thinking that rationally. And if her husband had rung her while she was out she could say anything, it's not as if the baby is going to answer the call.

I understand it must be difficult as she is often in tears. Could she be depressed as well?
But you cant continue like this. It isnt your problem. You are a brilliant friend. But enougb is enough.
Her mother seems to help for 2 days so maybe she can speak to her lazy good for nothing husband. I am not sure if you want to stop completely ,but if not limit it to 2 or 3 hours once a week with the proviso that tbis will be stopped in a few weeks .

I dunno, I can kinda see what the friend is saying, if there's a scenario where her and her husband are both trying to carry on like they're child-free, whilst having a child.

He's perhaps doing very little housework because that's how it's always been with them, as with the vast majority.

Up all night with fractious child for her, he sleeps through and is oblivious.

She's up at the crack of dawn child wrangling and getting herself ready for the day, he's oblivious because it all looks kinda normal, just a little extra, because, baby. Plus he's just not really looking, because he's either in the shower or rushing out the door to work.

He's at work all day, oblivious.

Weekends and evenings, they're both carrying on like before the birth, but with a bit of child juggling going on between them.

So when does she do all the deep clean type housework and extra child related housework then? When does she actually sleep properly? Unless she palms the child off on someone else during the working day. The pair of them might just need a reality check and to start acting like the parents that they are, now.

OP I'd get her mother, her husband and your husband/you in a room together and hash out what support she has and what everyone knows, because I'll bet you've all got different pieces of the puzzle and she's not being entirely honest with any of you.

Then confront her.
If it's PND she needs to acknowledge something isn't right, seek and accept help.
If she's discovered too late that motherhood isn't for her, wishing she'd never given birth and wishing she could shove it back up there and pretend it never happened, she needs a reality check.
If her husband is an abuser who does no childcare, goes mental if he can't have sex/her attention and the house isn't perfect when he gets home, it needs to come out into the light so everyone can help her to leave, if that's what she wants.

It’s not @Cosmicpickle responsibility to take all that on. She has a toddler and a new baby to care for. Her own family is her priority, she’s done more than enough for her friend already.

And why is this on the op to sort out? She’s done more than enough in the 4 months by watching the baby twice a week!

@Jasonandtheargonauts

“So when does she do all the deep clean type housework and extra child related housework then? When does she actually sleep properly?”

When does any new mum do this, and it doesn’t sound like friend is using the baby-free time to do housework etc.

Have you overlooked also, that her mum goes around twice a week, on top of op’s contribution.

I'm waiting for the update that she's pregnant again!

@Cosmicpickle how have things been with your friend?

The OP has two other kids! This is ridiculous. She has helped out enough. 2 days a week! When she also has a baby.

This friend has 4 child free days a week. And wants overnight care so she can go to bottomless brunches. She is lying to the OP, her Mum and her DH about how much help she gets.

Do the maths!

Jasonandtheargonauts
Why on earth should anyone be expected to take on the level of care and enquiry you suggest? OP has 2 dcs of her own. She's stuck in this situation (if this entire scenario is to be believed) because she can't seem to find a way to say no.

Well, at this point I think I'd just back away a bit and see if I notice any changes, presumably due to the HV visiting. I wouldn't talk to her mother or have DH speak to her DH again. You've done what you can, all you can do now is see if anything changes.

This may be way off the wall but the way she insisted no one speak to her DH and the fact that she only wanted you to have the baby at yours do you think it's at all possible she's having an affair or is secretly drinking/using drugs on those days to numb herself?

People have some imagination on this app

Not expected, no and I never said that. But she wants to help. That's how I'd help. By getting to the bottom of it before stepping away.

She could just step away without doing anything, but if she was going to do that she wouldn't be on here dithering over it, and going running round there every time her friend snaps her fingers. Which she still is.

Organising one meeting of all those involved for a chat, minus the friend who's telling porkies, is quicker and easier than talking to everyone individually which is what she is, and her partner is, currently doing. The confronting bit would be for the woman's family to do ie her husband and mother, if that's all her family, once they've got all the information.

And if her friend is in an abusive relationship, putting her in touch with women's aid or a similar charity is no big deal in terms of help. She was willing to attend a GP appointment with her and has been effectively providing free childcare, I'm sure she can pass on a phone number for those who can help and be a listening ear to her mate occasionally. It's much less effort than she has been doing.

Whereas some people are just rude, passive aggressive and have nothing useful to add that might help OP. Like you, for instance

Obviously. Which is why, if the OP wants to help, I suggested she get them all in a room together so they can see the full extent of the help this woman has. Then the situation can be dealt with and everyone can stop being played. There's really no need for your nastiness.

No, of course not, and if you actually bothered to read my post properly you'd see that. It's right there in the comment "unless she palms the baby off on someone else during the working day", which is what she's been doing.

Plenty of people who regret having children try to carry on as if they haven't had one. The fact you don't know any is neither here nor there. It happens. Some of them are so bad with it their children are totally neglected if they can't palm them off onto others and the children end up in care. I'm happy for you that you don't know anyone like that. But it's no use sticking your head in the sand and pretending it doesn't happen.

Everyone is saying affair/addict/domestic abuse/PND - all I'm doing is pointing out it could be none of those and there's nothing really wrong except they're just a couple of shite parents.

Everyone's saying "but how can she possibly be needing all that time for sleep and housework"... because they're assuming that she's catching up with that each evening and weekend. Well, maybe she isn't.

Help in an emergency but set a boundary on all night so she can go out. Let her partner look after them.

This

Even without any support from you she gets more help than I did with my own tricky newborn who was later on a tricky toddler and an easier second baby. She’s taking advantage of your good nature. Retreat!

Why can't she use childcare????

That poor little baby. I would say she has come sort of pn depression/ anxiety going on as to not want to be with her baby for so long. My 4mo is surgically attached to ms. I can’t imagine looking after mine and then someone else’s at the same time. Poor baby must be so confused as to where their mother is. I would never ask a friend to just take my baby because I’m tired etc. seems she is avoiding being a parent

This has been going on from age newborn to 4 months. A lot of paid childcare won't take children under either 3 or 6 months - certainly not in our area. And she'd have to explain to her husband where the money was going when he didn't know all this was going on.

What did mum say op? And I'd confront your friend about her partner saying he was unaware of the help you were providing. Ask her what the real situation is, as it feels like something is a miss.