To tell a friend I can’t continue this level of help?

[Cosmicpickle]

The context I suppose is that I have 2 under 2, husband does work long hours but is genuinely great both as a partner and as a dad, I know I’m very lucky there and no complaints. Our friends had a baby at the same time we had our youngest, there is one week between them. My youngest is what I’d call an easy baby, sleeps well, feeds well, happy to just be here and really is no hassle at all beyond what you’d expect from a 4 month old. My friends baby on the other hand is a more difficult baby, doesn’t sleep well, cries a lot, issues with feeding, doesn’t like to be put down etc. Her partner isn’t a great support, see’s his days off as his time, his time after work as his down time- you get the picture, not particularly helpful. Her mum goes round 2 days a week to help her out and when the babies were tiny she asked if I would mind taking her baby for a few hours a couple days a week so she could catch up on sleep, rest, clean etc as she was really struggling. I remember all too well how hard it was being a first time mum with a tricky baby so I was happy to help and initially it was 2 days a week, 9am-lunchtime ish, yes it was a handful with my own 2 plus hers but it was okay and I knew she was finding it hard.

The problem is that now the babies are 4 months old and we’re still doing this except over time it has become longer and longer. The last two weeks one of the days has been 9:30am until 5pm, tomorrow she has asked if it could be the same and has also asked if I could have him overnight on Saturday so she can go out. Now I can manage but obviously with 2 under 2 myself it can be tricky and just a lot really with the 3, and the overnight- her partner isn’t working, he’s off, but she knows he won’t agree to have their child alone overnight so has asked me instead.

It feels like it has become just too much and I need to pull back a bit but is that unreasonable? I know she is struggling, genuinely, and I know how hard that is, I don’t want to be cruel and I don’t want to make her life harder, I can manage, I don’t mind helping, but this just feels like too much now. Especially as the babies aren’t tiny newborns anymore who are happy to just be in the pram or sleeping, days out are getting trickier with a toddler and 2 babies! AIBU?

If she genuinely can’t cope she needs professional help.

OP, she is really taking advantage of your kindness and a friend shouldn't do that. You have 2 very young kids and you said your husband works long hours so when does she help you out and take your 2 kids to give you a break? Her mum helps her out twice a week too which is so much more help that many mums get even with useless partners. Going forwards if it was me I would give her a few hours break if she repaid the favour and had your 2 for a few hours the following day etc. That way you both get a chance to get caught up on stuff. It is hard being a first time mum but she has her mum for support. I had a reflux baby and it was tough but I had to step up and get on with it.

get your husband to have a chat and list out all the things he does for you and the baby and have him ask the useless one how does he manage?? See what useless man comes back with. Shame the fuker into some action.

You're not far off being able to claim child maintenance for the baby....

Are you really her friend or just free child care as it seems all very one sided.

This is crazy, you're subsidizing his rubbish parenting and partner skills. She's not your partner, they aren't your children, it's his problem, she needs to grow a pair and tell him. You need to grow a pair and tell her. You've got enough on your plate. She's having a laugh. No no no and no

She can’t use you as her partner just because her partner is shit!

If I was her DH and sitting at home knowing she’d got a friend to babysit because I was that useless I would be mortified! Equally if I were her, I wouldn’t allow my DH to be so useless - tell him she’s going out and he’s having the baby and then that’s that!!

If she has PND, she needs to be seeing her GP, not leaving baby care to you and her mom and having a date night.

You're enabling her to avoid seeing her doctor and that won't help. She needs professional help if that's the case.

Or, she's crying because it works on you.

Either way, this arrangement is not sustainable and it's taking your time and attention away from your own kids.

This is wild. No way should you be doing this - you've got enough on your plate. She has a DH, a DM and paid childcare exists. Just say something like: 'Hey xxx, I've thought about the overnight request and realised I can't do any more. I was happy to help out to start with but you need to use a childminder and/or get your family to do more, esp DH. I can step in for emergencies if I'm free and will be here as your friend ofc, but can't do any more regular childcare from now on.'

NONE OF THIS IS YOUR PROBLEM TO FIX

and if you keep bailing them out, nothing will ever change

“friend, I’m overwhelmed atm, so won’t be able to help you anymore, you’ll have to get your P to help going forward”

I think you need to face the fact that actually you're not helping by helping in this way. It sounds like she's really struggling and she needs proper help in this postnatal period. You're providing a sticking plaster which means she's not actually getting the help she really needs. She needs to go to the GP. She needs to tackle her husband. While you're helping, she's not doing either.

So please don't feel guilty about stopping your help. She needs you to stop so that she can get on top of what she actually needs to do.

Time for a kind but firm text.

"Hi X, I'm afraid I can't have your DC overnight as it's too much adding another newborn to the mix with my own two. I've also decided that I won't be able to keep on having your DC during the week. I'm so glad I was able to help out at the beginning while you were finding your feet, but I really need more time and space to focus on my own DC. I'd love to meet up with you for things like coffee and walks, but I can't do any more childcare."

If you like you can add something like "I know [your partner] has struggled a bit with his new role. If it would help, [my husband] would be very happy to have a chat about how he's coping and help guide him towards giving you a bit more support at home."

If she turns on you after that, she was only ever a user.

This is absolutely insane.
So you do 2 days and her mum is doing 2 days. I would seriously question if this woman even wants to be a mother because it doesn’t sound like it.
interesting how she’s exhausted but will be fighting fit for her night out on Saturday night.

Tell her you cannot help anymore. It’s not fair on you and certainly not to your other children.

This is a ridiculous set up.

you are losing time with your old child to prop her up. Just say you can’t do it any more

Maybe if you want to be gentle OP, then switch the focus. Something like

"I'm really sorry but honestly I am finding it a bit much to handle the two babies and the toddler so I cannot really continue as we are. I know you are finding things hard too but I can't really cope with the 3 of them now the babies are getting older. I'm sorry but maybe it would be good for you to look at a childminder to get the childcare you need? "

The thing is, you always stepping in means the situation continues to stumble on. Whether it’s that she needs support for her mental health, her partner to step up or whatever, for as long as you keep the plates spinning, she won’t get the help she needs.

Do you not speak to her when she’s in tears? Try to find out what’s wrong, help her to the GP or health visitor? You can’t keep things covered indefinitely and you’re letting her partner off the hook.

Thanks everyone, for just confirming really that I’m not being awful. It’s not nice seeing someone upset and I hate to think I’m making things worse but it can’t continue like this forever.

She had text to ask about tomorrow & Saturday which prompted this thread so I will reply and say as you have all said here, happy to come with her to GP if she needs moral support, happy to still help sometimes but current set up doesn’t work and the overnight isn’t happening. My own 4 month old is a good sleeper but he is still only a baby so isn’t a perfect sleeper, and my nearly 2 year old isn’t a great sleeper so adding in another 4 month old bad sleeper would be just too much, plus it would then mean both my husband & I are taking on more than her own partner does and that isn’t fair.

Will also speak to my husband about having a chat with her partner because I do agree it is a joke how little he does and although it shouldn’t take being shamed by another man to step up as a dad hopefully it will at least make some difference.

You have two under two yourself OP! I understand your sympathy for your friend, but there comes a point where short of taking the baby off her, you can’t actually solve this. If someone had offered to look after my baby for a few hours I’d have been very grateful, and also been damn sure I’d been there to pick up at the agreed time- she is completely taking the piss by extending a few hours to mean 8!! I would be withdrawing the offer of help now, as it’s only going to get worse.

I’d be saying’ Hi Friend, I was happy to help out and look after X for a little while as I know the newborn stage is so hard. But the time you’re leaving him/her here is way longer than we’d agreed, looking after 3 is really hard! With my two getting a bit older, I just can’t cope with looking after all three of them any more. I definitely can’t do an overnight with a toddler and two babies!! Hope your partner and mum can help’

I do get your concern- but she is taking advantage of you OP! Even asking someone with a toddler and baby if they will take their own baby as well overnight is so far beyond a normal request!

She needs to woman up. I had twins and my husband went back to work after a month. I didn’t go around making my friends with more children than me, run round after me. Is she always such a CF?

Just to echo other posters really, @Cosmicpickle
My DD was a terrible sleeper and DH and I didn't have any help from friends or family, probably because we were deep in the trenches and didn't think to ask, but regardless I wouldn't wish that level of sleep deprivation on anyone and I think it was so kind of you to step in, but if she is struggling this much, she needs to seek help to learn how to manage her life with a baby/child or even maybe just recognise that this is her life now and she (and her DH) needs to rise up to the challenge of these early years.
You've been wonderful and I am sure you've helped keep her and little one healthy by providing her time to sleep, but if instead of appreciating you, she is piling on more requests, then it is definitely time to pull back.

Its a difficult thing to watch someone struggling and not step in, but you need to look after yourself so you can look after your own 2. I would have thought "a bit much" is a huge undertaking! I agree that a firm no on the overnight and the extended hours is tight and can be done immediately, and stepping back from the shorter mornings soon. Is there any other way you can make sure she gets help? If your hubby can talk to her partner then that's one thing but she sounds afraid of him tbh - would she go to the GP or health visitor?

You are doing the right thing but I wonder if you need to be categoric? A couple of mornings turned to full days turned to an overnight request. I think you should prioritise yourself and say you can't do any childcare at all. I think this is the only way to avoid an inevitable slippery slope. It stuns me that she has ever asked. I think you will resent her for this one day. I helped a friend a lot in similar circumstances and I think it ultimately cost our friendship.

Glad you're drawing a line and hope it won't vanish as soon as she cries again. Keep in mind that your help isn't helping. What started as a kindness to help her catch up on sleep has expanded into this pisstake and now the overnight so she can go out. She's not adjusted to what it's actually like looking after her baby and her DH is even worse. The more you helped, the less she adjusted. So you're helping her by making her - and him - take proper responsibility. Your duty is to your own 2 DC who are very small and need you. You aren't her unpaid nanny and if she is anything other than fully understanding, don't dare be guilted. A good friend would not be putting you in this position in the first place.

I don't think your DH should speak to her partner. She has asked him not to do this. You don't know if it would be safe for her, plus she won't trust you ever again.

Just stick to the childcare, send her a message to say the current arrangement was only supposed to be temporary so it will stop after x date.

It sounds as though she is really struggling OP I think she needs help as it seems as though she is avoiding looking after her own child. If her mum already does 2 days per week and you do 1. Either she's taking p* or she's really struggling.
I'm abroad and was a SAHM when DS was born - he never slept and was a really difficult baby, only slept at age 5 when prescribed melatonin - it's been very hard - got diagnosed with ASD at 3 so that explains alot but I would never have dreamed of expecting someone else to take care of him even in the trenches of the worst sleep deprivation. My DH wasn't much help either. The only women I know who have been how you've described have had PND and didn't want to look after their baby because they were so unwell with PND. So I'm leaning towards thinking that's the case with your friend.

You’re a saint for doing this in the first place. I know I wouldn’t have done the same for anybody. She does need to contact the HV or GP if she needs help.