To tell a friend I can’t continue this level of help?

[Cosmicpickle]

The context I suppose is that I have 2 under 2, husband does work long hours but is genuinely great both as a partner and as a dad, I know I’m very lucky there and no complaints. Our friends had a baby at the same time we had our youngest, there is one week between them. My youngest is what I’d call an easy baby, sleeps well, feeds well, happy to just be here and really is no hassle at all beyond what you’d expect from a 4 month old. My friends baby on the other hand is a more difficult baby, doesn’t sleep well, cries a lot, issues with feeding, doesn’t like to be put down etc. Her partner isn’t a great support, see’s his days off as his time, his time after work as his down time- you get the picture, not particularly helpful. Her mum goes round 2 days a week to help her out and when the babies were tiny she asked if I would mind taking her baby for a few hours a couple days a week so she could catch up on sleep, rest, clean etc as she was really struggling. I remember all too well how hard it was being a first time mum with a tricky baby so I was happy to help and initially it was 2 days a week, 9am-lunchtime ish, yes it was a handful with my own 2 plus hers but it was okay and I knew she was finding it hard.

The problem is that now the babies are 4 months old and we’re still doing this except over time it has become longer and longer. The last two weeks one of the days has been 9:30am until 5pm, tomorrow she has asked if it could be the same and has also asked if I could have him overnight on Saturday so she can go out. Now I can manage but obviously with 2 under 2 myself it can be tricky and just a lot really with the 3, and the overnight- her partner isn’t working, he’s off, but she knows he won’t agree to have their child alone overnight so has asked me instead.

It feels like it has become just too much and I need to pull back a bit but is that unreasonable? I know she is struggling, genuinely, and I know how hard that is, I don’t want to be cruel and I don’t want to make her life harder, I can manage, I don’t mind helping, but this just feels like too much now. Especially as the babies aren’t tiny newborns anymore who are happy to just be in the pram or sleeping, days out are getting trickier with a toddler and 2 babies! AIBU?

Jesus
she’s an absolute cheeky fucker
she has a useless partner and you’re expected to pick the slack up and assume she has never reciprocated
stop from now - you owe her nothing
to be honest this would make me question the “friendship”

How well do you know her husband? I’d be having a few choice words with that useless waste of air for a start.

How does she ask you? That's how I'd respond. If she texts, then text her back. She may be struggling, overwhelmed, depressed, whatever, BUT THIS IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM OR YOUR ISSUE TO SOLVE. You have two DC of your own, plus she wants you to look after hers as well so she and her useless DP can go out???? WTAF? This is their DC and their problem to solve, not yours. Please just say 'Sorry X, I can't do this any more. I have two DC of my own and I can no longer look after your baby for several days a week on top of my own'. She and her pathetic DP need to step up and look after their own DC.

Am boggled at the 2% who think you are being unreasonable because you absolutely aren’t

Very convenient she is in tears. Does she suffer from PND?

You: “I was happy to help out when x was tiny and it was meant to be a couple of hours to give you a break but I need to focus on my own kids now so I won’t be babysitting for you anymore.”

Her “wah wah wah, I’m so forlorn, you owe me, DP is useless, I’m all alone”

You: “I can’t help you anymore”

Don’t apologise, don’t make excuses/give reasons, don’t mention useless DP. Hold firm in the face of inevitable guilt tripping or crying or tantrums.

Why "upset"?

I think it's absolutely insane that she ever even asked you in the first place, knowing you already had 2 under 2??! I've never heard anything like it.

Is her mum not still helping her out?

Asking someone to have a 4-month-old overnight is a complete liberty and totally unreasonable.

Do you think she has PND? She seems very ready to part with this young baby.

She is the one being unreasonable here. I’d be rolling this right back as she’s totally taking the piss. Sit down and have a chat pointing out you’ve done your bit to help but this is fast becoming unsustainable. Her mother helps two days a week too! Now the weather is getting nicer you want to be getting out with your own two. If you want to be generous out continue for a couple of months one day a week, 9-12 only. Put a firm end date on that to prevent unpleasantness and absolutely no to overnights. Your partner works hard and deserves a minimally disturbed night, it’s something to ask baby’s Grandma to take on.

This is the thing I’ve been wondering about so actually my husband knows her partner quite well- definitely well enough that he could have a word with him and my husband absolutely would and initially when this hit a peak a few weeks ago and she was upset here he said he was going to. She begged my husband not to say anything to him as she didn’t want him knowing she was talking about him or “badmouthing” him to other people.

Maybe it’s worth my husband just saying something anyway though, even if he doesn’t mention specifics just that she seems to be struggling and that he needs to step up.

If she turns on the tears just unleash some if your own! Keep re-iterating how exhausted you are and say "In fact I was hoping you could take my 2 for a few hours on Saturday night so DH and I can go out".

Not diagnosed but it is something I have mentioned to her because it is beyond the baby blues now.

Im really happy ive been able to help you through this patch but now you need to put a more permanent solution in place. Im sure you and your husband have got a better handle on parenting now so its time to take the reins yourselves or decide to pay for outside help.

The thing is, you are enabling her not to 1. Grow her resilience or 2. Seek proper help.

By making the problem "disappear" eg not having to take responsibility for her own child she is not having to deal with it.

You would ultimately be doing her a favour by setting boundaries and encouraging her to seek professional help.

I can’t believe what I’m reading. She is taking the piss. So the baby has two healthy parents and a willing grandma and yet you are the one left to look after him two full days a week and now with a sleepover? OP you need to grow a pair and sort this.

Yes her mum still does 2 days, I do 2 days.

I do think she may have PND yes to be honest, she had a difficult birth, he is a more difficult baby, I do think she is really struggling which is why it has gone on as long as it has really.

It's time you sat with her and made an appointment with her GP. Your DH should have strong words with her DP too.

I'm voting you're unreasonable because you're being a doormat for someone using you for free babysitting. Don't be a mug.

Tell her you're burnt out and your informal arrangement is done.

I would simply explain you have loved being able to help and you’re sorry she is having such a tough time but you can’t carry on providing childcare as you have so much on your plate yourself with two under 2.

Why not suggest that in a few weeks both dads each babysit their kids and you and your friend go out together for a few hours

Her lazy arse of a husband needs to step up, big time. If he won’t, then she will have to consider whether she can stay in that relationship. Either way, it’s really not your problem to solve. They have both taken advantage of your good nature.

I have heard of mums with or without PND who can get really depressed and in a hole with their emotions. I’m not saying you can’t support her but with your two I’m surprised you are effectively taking on another child!

If she’s in tears all the time then address it in person -she needs professional support, and to stop relying on you to fill the place that her partner and medical professionals should be filling. Tell her you suspect she has PND, and get her to call her health visitor. If you know the partner or her mum then tell them too, and definitely say it’s getting too much for you and while you know she’s having a tough time, it’s affecting you and your kids and you can’t let it carry on. I feel for her, but she’s taking the piss.

This is ridiculous.

You'd not be unreasonable to tell her it's too much for you, what with your own DC and no signs of her returning the favour. You say her mum helps out so she's not entirely alone. Maybe you can suggest she contacts Homestart and maybe her HV, as it sounds as if she may need help with parenting.
You could tell her that she can come over to visit you, or go out places together, but really, you can't continue taking on her baby too.

In this case, I would have a serious chat with her and encourage her to book a GP appointment, she can't go on like this and neither can you.

Also I'd definitely get your husband to have a word with hers on the DL, just letting him know she is really struggling and she needs his help. Hopefully it will embarrass him into stepping up a bit.