To tell a friend I can’t continue this level of help?

[Cosmicpickle]

The context I suppose is that I have 2 under 2, husband does work long hours but is genuinely great both as a partner and as a dad, I know I’m very lucky there and no complaints. Our friends had a baby at the same time we had our youngest, there is one week between them. My youngest is what I’d call an easy baby, sleeps well, feeds well, happy to just be here and really is no hassle at all beyond what you’d expect from a 4 month old. My friends baby on the other hand is a more difficult baby, doesn’t sleep well, cries a lot, issues with feeding, doesn’t like to be put down etc. Her partner isn’t a great support, see’s his days off as his time, his time after work as his down time- you get the picture, not particularly helpful. Her mum goes round 2 days a week to help her out and when the babies were tiny she asked if I would mind taking her baby for a few hours a couple days a week so she could catch up on sleep, rest, clean etc as she was really struggling. I remember all too well how hard it was being a first time mum with a tricky baby so I was happy to help and initially it was 2 days a week, 9am-lunchtime ish, yes it was a handful with my own 2 plus hers but it was okay and I knew she was finding it hard.

The problem is that now the babies are 4 months old and we’re still doing this except over time it has become longer and longer. The last two weeks one of the days has been 9:30am until 5pm, tomorrow she has asked if it could be the same and has also asked if I could have him overnight on Saturday so she can go out. Now I can manage but obviously with 2 under 2 myself it can be tricky and just a lot really with the 3, and the overnight- her partner isn’t working, he’s off, but she knows he won’t agree to have their child alone overnight so has asked me instead.

It feels like it has become just too much and I need to pull back a bit but is that unreasonable? I know she is struggling, genuinely, and I know how hard that is, I don’t want to be cruel and I don’t want to make her life harder, I can manage, I don’t mind helping, but this just feels like too much now. Especially as the babies aren’t tiny newborns anymore who are happy to just be in the pram or sleeping, days out are getting trickier with a toddler and 2 babies! AIBU?

Oh, my mistake. I'm in Australia and children from 6weeks old can be enrolled in childcare

In my experience with depression its perfectly possible.

Seems like a very selective type of depression that only comes into play when it involves looking after her baby

I agree with this.

When I worked as a registered childminder there was a woman I met at playgroup who was a SAHM, she had 3 children under 5. I agreed to mind her 3 children one day a week so she could have a break, I think she used the time to chill at her allotment. Maybe your friend could benefit from this kind of arrangement.

Nvm.

How’s it going @Cosmicpickle?

That's literally what post-natal depression is.

It's at its worst when she's looking after her baby because if she has PND, she might well:

a) feel that she doesn't cope with the baby
b) she thinks the baby doesn't like her and that it genuinely prefers to be with other people
c) believe she hasn't bonded with the baby and feels terrified by that / disgusted with herself when she has to care for it
d) have intrusive thoughts about hurting the baby and is scared she'll act on them
e) have severe anxiety that something bad will happen if she's left alone with the baby
f) think that the baby is 'bad' or 'wrong' in some way and is frightened to tell anyone that

Fair enough, but I think she would be better off getting help then arranging to go on boozy brunches

How have things been @Cosmicpickle

Any updates, @Cosmicpickle?

I am afraid that we scared OP away. 😞 I hope she is doing well.

I think it's probably more a case of OP asking for advice, getting it, and then taking the step of speaking to the Health Visitor She's probably now stepped away from the situation or feels she's done all she can do.

I mean, they don't owe us an update. It's enough, at least for me, to know that we've helped.

Any update, OP?

I had a really difficult baby. A couple of times friends took my baby so I could sleep for an hour or two. I was hugely, hugely grateful and definitely wouldn’t have taken the mick like this lady is. It’s one thing to help a friend (and I do believe in being the village for each other) but she is using you. I also babysat for friends in return as mine got older… somehow I get the sense she won’t be doing that.

You have been overly generous to this point imo. You have done way more than I would even have considered. You have your own family to focus on and enjoy and your friend needs to get her husband to help OR hire help. This is what babysitters are for. (barring a genuine emergency, in which case I WOULD help out, but wanting to 'go out' and you keeping her baby for the night is NOT an emergency) I would tell her that you are no longer available to keep her child AT ALL because your own family requires your attention.

I'd tell her in person. You have too much empathy. Maybe she needs to see a professional re her inability to handle a baby, idk. (also marriage counseling would not be out of order) Whatever the issue is, it's hers to sort out (reminds me of the saying "You don't have to set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm"). And the clue here that she is probably not as helpless and overwhelmed as she is behaving is the request for overnight care. She blew her cover with that.

I think the 'friend' with the baby saw this post and voted 'YABU' haha.

Of course she would, but if the balance of her mind is disturbed, she won't be able to see that right now. She might not even accept that she's ill.

I'm not defending her, or saying that other people ought to be stepping in to care for her child - they shouldn't! I'm just pointing out that going out drinking isn't a sign that she isn't mentally unwell.

Hey op @Cosmicpickle how are things? Did you get to the bottom of what was going on?