To tell a friend I can’t continue this level of help?

[Cosmicpickle]

The context I suppose is that I have 2 under 2, husband does work long hours but is genuinely great both as a partner and as a dad, I know I’m very lucky there and no complaints. Our friends had a baby at the same time we had our youngest, there is one week between them. My youngest is what I’d call an easy baby, sleeps well, feeds well, happy to just be here and really is no hassle at all beyond what you’d expect from a 4 month old. My friends baby on the other hand is a more difficult baby, doesn’t sleep well, cries a lot, issues with feeding, doesn’t like to be put down etc. Her partner isn’t a great support, see’s his days off as his time, his time after work as his down time- you get the picture, not particularly helpful. Her mum goes round 2 days a week to help her out and when the babies were tiny she asked if I would mind taking her baby for a few hours a couple days a week so she could catch up on sleep, rest, clean etc as she was really struggling. I remember all too well how hard it was being a first time mum with a tricky baby so I was happy to help and initially it was 2 days a week, 9am-lunchtime ish, yes it was a handful with my own 2 plus hers but it was okay and I knew she was finding it hard.

The problem is that now the babies are 4 months old and we’re still doing this except over time it has become longer and longer. The last two weeks one of the days has been 9:30am until 5pm, tomorrow she has asked if it could be the same and has also asked if I could have him overnight on Saturday so she can go out. Now I can manage but obviously with 2 under 2 myself it can be tricky and just a lot really with the 3, and the overnight- her partner isn’t working, he’s off, but she knows he won’t agree to have their child alone overnight so has asked me instead.

It feels like it has become just too much and I need to pull back a bit but is that unreasonable? I know she is struggling, genuinely, and I know how hard that is, I don’t want to be cruel and I don’t want to make her life harder, I can manage, I don’t mind helping, but this just feels like too much now. Especially as the babies aren’t tiny newborns anymore who are happy to just be in the pram or sleeping, days out are getting trickier with a toddler and 2 babies! AIBU?

But she has become a CF now. She is using you and letting her husband off the hook.

Either she leaves him or does it all, she can’t co-opt another woman into her misery.

This is crazy. You are insane letting this creep this far.

Put your own oxygen mask on first. Say no. YANBU she is.

So she only has her child 3 days a week and is still struggling @Cosmicpickle?

There’s something more going on here. I’d sit her down and tell her you can see she’s struggling and you think she needs to see a GP. Go with her if needs be.

You know your friend… she’s either a cheeky fucker or she’s not coping. She needs some help, but that shouldn’t be you. In fact, in doing so much for her, you and her mum are masking the fact she’s not coping/there’s a bigger issue at play.

And yes, agree her partner needs an absolute kick up the arse. From your partner and her mum if needs be. What a waste of space.

So her DH is benefitting from the unpaid labour of THREE women - her, you and her mum - but he won’t have the baby alone for a night so she can go out and have a break?
WTF?

It’s not at all unreasonable of you to pull away from her demands at this point, they’ve escalated to the point of being too big of a responsibility for you.

She chose to have a child with this man, it’s up to him to step up and not you.
It can be hard to say no though when a precedent has been set, but she and her DH are clearly taking advantage of you.

A polite text offering her support but not anymore babysitting is ideal. Hope she receives it as intended and gets back to you soon! It is can be hard to create a boundary within a friendship.

When my DD was born i was riddled with PND, husband worked away all week and had no village at all. I wouldn't have dreamt of asking someone to have her two days a week let alone an overnight. Shes absolutely taking the piss!!

When your babies are that small your time is not your own, like it or lump it. Unless you have a good support system which is a godsend. If you dont have that you dont palm them off with friends who have their hands full enough as it is.

The problem for her will be as she gets so much help, she'll never get into the rhythm of coping and create routines for herself. Yes it's hard work but she has one baby, you have two. Have a word with her and let her know that it's becoming too much for you, she'll have to cope with her husband AND her own mother

She needs to get of her phone and start parenting her own child tbh

This is really shocking! Your time with your own children is being taken away from them having to care for someone else's child.
What if one of your kids got hurt because you were busy with your friends child? You would never forgive yourself.
As people have already said if she can't cope and husband won't help then intervention is needed by healthcare professionals.
You've already done so much for her but this can't continue

You’re a good friend OP, it’s ok to have boundaries

Tell her no asap. Just say you can't manage 3 children under 2 anymore. Her mum could help out more you have done enough

You are not being awful in the slightest. What's she actually doing while you are looking after her baby all day?

I would get your DH to approach it with her husband from the angle that he's worried about you and it's not fair you are being run ragged trying to help his wife when you've got two kids yourself. Then he can suggest that he steps up more, rather than tell him, if doing that might cause issues for her.

You have totally and utterly done enough op. Time for the father to do his bit, her mum to help more, her to deal with it herself, or a combination, but you have done enough!

This is another DH problem. Why does he get down time and she doesn’t? HE should be stepping up, not you. At the very least weekends should be shared parenting.

She's taking the piss. It's not your fault she had a baby with an awful bloke who doesn't pull his weight.

She might be struggling OP, but she certainly doesn't care about any struggle you might have when she dumps a 3rd baby on you.

Your friend has a partner and a mother to take her to the GP, if that is what is needed. I would massively step back now. You are only 4 months from giving birth yourself and this will be putting a lot of unnecessary extra strain on you, not to mention the time and attention taken away from your own 2, particularly your toddler.

I wouldn't ask your DH to speak to her partner either, this is their issue to solve.

I just replied to another thread where the lady was looking after her ex’s young child whilst her baby was having heart surgery.

you have in common you are wonderfully caring ladies but your friend is taking the piss now.

now the babies are a bit older I would not be doing this, either needs to be where she has your baby for a couple of mornings or you need to meet up together for a coffee or playgroup or something, so you are still supporting but not taking the piss.

I was lucky one of my best friends was pregnant at the same time & there was just weeks between the babies, I used to have them both for a few hrs a week so she could have some time with her partner & a break because she didn’t have a support system whereas I was lucky to have that.

thanks for sending me back in time to that lovely memory

This.

She is not your friend OP, a friend would not have asked all this of you. As soon as you question it, I would expect a friend to be horrified at the realisation of what they had asked and be full of remorse. She won't. She'll ghost you or beg you to reconsider.

My DH went back to work THE SAME DAY I had our third. I lived in Scotland whilst all family and friends were in the midlands. I had no sodding help but I got on with it b cause I had no choice. She needs to crack on and be a parent now without having her handheld through it.

Point her towards her GP and tell her you can't help her anymore. She's had more than enough from you. I hate people like that. Just bloodsuckers.

Goodness, you are kindness personified to have helped your friend so much, and especially with two small children yourself. I hope your friend appreciates the help she’s had. Hopefully you’ll take the advice to pull back, as you run the risk of burning out, and should really be prioritising yourself and your kids. I’m worn out at the thought of taking on as much as you have.

my real worry is that she is someone who is really genuinely struggling and I’d be making that worse by stepping back.

That is for her partner and her to sort out. You've been enabling his shitness and that's why she's struggling. Tho tbh with only 3 out of 7 days looking after her DC and already having nights out, it's not any definition of struggling I recognise.

Your DH doesnt have to shame him into being a good dad. He can simply and honestly say “your wife has been around ours a lot needing help and is visibly upset and not coping. She wanted us to have your baby overnight at the weekend? Whats going on mate? Have you considered she might have PND, which is very common?”

Then let her dh do the talking and (as i suspect will be the case)your DH can fill in the gaps on his knowledge of how to be a good dad.

Yeah I mean it's funny how she's struggling so much she can't look after her own child more than 3 days a week yet she can manage to plan a night out a week in advance.

If her baby is still not sleeping and crying a lot, could you suggest she investigates baby osteopathy? I have heard it can really help unhappy babies.

At least on that thread there is a genuine reason why the mother needs childcare though!

I coped on my own with my partner working away. I had zero help. It was all on me. It was all on me even when my partner was home. Then I got sick and it was still all on me. I was on very strong medication and for a period of time I literally couldn’t walk down the stairs with my baby so I would bring everything I needed upstairs and stay in my room.

What on earth is your friend doing that she requires that amount of help? I slept when my baby slept. I watched tv while feeding my baby and I did the dishes with my baby strapped to me in a baby carrier.

There was a period of time I didn’t drive so if I needed something from the shops I had to walk there.

You have two babies under two years of age and no one is helping you.

You need to tell your friend your toddler is ill and you won’t be able to come over. Then just stop going over.

Your friend gets so much help - you need to concentrate on your own family. Your friend is using you. If she can’t cope then things will need to change - but it isn’t up to you to make those changes.

And to be clear, my baby wasn’t easy - I just adjusted my life to accommodate them. Which is what almost every other mother has to do.