Got partner's ex a mother's day gift - now being made to feel bad?

[Pimmzy]

Partner has two children (6 and 8) from previous relationship. We moved in together around 6 months ago. Children stay with us Wednesday and Saturday.

On Saturday afternoon, we all go to the same leisure center. I go to the gym while partner and children attend sports clubs. Partner finishes half an hour later than the kid's session, so I collect them and we do a Saturday night "treat" shop while we wait for their dad to finish (go to pizza counter and let them choose toppings, pick some snacks for watching a film later).

This week, while we were in the supermarket I asked if they'd got anything for their mum for mother's day and they said no and seemed a bit down about it. I asked them if they wanted to choose something for her while we were in the supermarket and they seemed really excited about this. I ended up maybe going a bit overboard: got one of the hamper baskets and then got chocolate, face masks, baths salts, bubble baths, slippers socks, chocolates and a little potted plant to fill it and a big card.

We sat down and put it together when we got home and they wrote the card and were very excited. When partner saw, he raised his eyebrows a bit but didn't say much.

Children were very excited on Sunday morning to go back to their mum's and give her their hamper.

Found out today that she's made a comment to partner about not knowing why I'd have done that and seemed to imply it's not my place. My mum thinks I overstepped too.

I honestly just wanted to help the children do a nice thing when they're obviously too young to do it themselves.

Was I being unreasonable to get involved with mother's day? Should I apologise to her or just forget it and move on?

I think that was a lovely gesture and very thoughtful of you. Your partner should have been the one to organise though - wonder if the children's mum would have complained if she had got nothing at all. Sometimes you can't win, but you can still be the bigger person x

It was a really lovely thing to do.

So partner has filtered this comment from the ex back you then? Charming.

I'd be asking him what his plan had been for him to sort something for Mother's Day for his kids to give his ex, as by late Saturday it did not appear he'd bothered.

I can see why she'd have weird feelings about it. Do you get on? Was it a messy break up?

However, she shouldn't be annoyed with you- she should be annoyed with him for being so utterly woeful with getting his arse in gear to sort something, that you had to step in. He should be grateful.

Btw you should like a lovely person and step-mum

You did it for the benefit of the children. Maybe she’s pissed off at the thought of having to reciprocate for Father’s Day when he put no effort in.

You are a lovely human being and don’t let anyone change you! You made those kids happy. I can’t believe you could be criticised by anyone for this. Hold your head high and do not apologise for being kind.

Thank you - I think partner might have popped them into a supermarket on the way to drop them off on Sunday morning for a bunch of flowers but thought we could just save a job and get it done on the Saturday.

I agree it was a really lovely thing to do, and it made the children happy which is the main thing.

If you'd done nothing, would he have stepped up to help them do it? That's the issue. Although if all you got was a raised eyebrow and not a "I was going to do that with the kids" then maybe not!

If he'd done fuck all and she got nothing, would she have come down on him like a ton of bricks, and would he have blamed you for not doing it (ie- he thinks it's 'wimmins work')

Maybe she was hoping he'd step up to the plate and pull his finger out. You doing it has given him a get out of jail free card for zero effort, which is what she's really mad about, because I can't see how the children being excited about giving her a lovely gift could rile her up.

What a lovely thing you did. Instead of implying it wasn’t your place, they should be grateful that you were so thoughtful and kind.

I think it was a nice thing to do! I remember going into a shop and having to ask an assistant to help my DC get me something as they were little, DH was in hospital and I knew they’d be disappointed not to give me something! Definitely best to be the bigger person.

Ypu did a very nice thing.

I'd address it directly in front of him and her (because i am not sure he is a reliable witness) say you want things to be cordial and did it mostly for the kids benefit but also thought she'd enjoy the surprise vs receiving nothing. You also werent hugely impressed your dp hadn't proactively done anything.

If she isnt happy with how this year went, you understand and its fine but can she let you know what she'd like you to do next year when the kids are bummed out they have nothing to give her. Is she happy with that? If so... fine.

Shell either look confused and say it was lovely or clarify thanks but no thanks

Your "DP" BTW. What. A. Prince.

That was a lovely thing to organise. He’s probably embarrassed that he hadn’t bothered & probably she is used to that & so wondered why this year was so much better. It’s nice that you go get treats in for the evening while he finishes his gym session. He’s a lucky man to have you!

Tbh as a long time stepmum, you overstepped. Getting a card and a box of chocolates would be one thing, getting all that is too much. You tried too hard.

Lesson learned though!

It was a lovely thing to do. You live with the children part of the time. You are a significant adult in their lives. You clearly love them. Not sure how thats over stepping. I dont see that at all.
The kids were happy. You did a nice thing. I really dont see why you got the response you did. Its not you imo

To be fair to him, I did ask if she'd like it. He told me she'd thanked the children but then made the comment when they'd gone inside. I think he said it so I knew for next time?

As I said above, he probably would have popped them to get a bunch of flowers on Sunday morning but agree he wouldn't have put much thought into it.

In terms of break-up, from what I've heard from parnter and others it had been a long time coming. They were together since 15 but had lots of near break ups but seemed to stay together out of default. Got engaged after big fall out, then married 4 years later after another big fall out, had baby to try fix things etc. Partner and I did know eachother through work when they were still together but didn't start seeing each other until he'd moved out. I don't know if she thinks I was on the scene before and sees me as the other woman but I genuinely wasn't.

I agree with PP. I think it was a lovely, kind & generous thing to do.

You made the children happy and their mother should be happy that you are thinking of them and that they have such a kind step-mother.

However, it should have been your partner who did this as she is the mother of his children &, presumably, they don't have the money or ability to get their mother a Mother's Day card & present without adult help.

See it from her perspective then. She thinks her relationship ended because of you, and now you’re inserting yourself into Mother’s Day.

Leave it to your partner next time.

I don't know if she thinks I was on the scene before and sees me as the other woman but I genuinely wasn't.

That might be it too then. Oh well, leave it to him, cheapo last minute flowers for her going forward!

I’d guess it’s a mixture of being disappointed her ex didn’t parent the kids and do it/ think of her and also probably sad that you got to do a fun thing with them for Mother’s Day. Both irrational but I think I’d feel the same especially when the kids are so young

Hmmmmm are you sure her comment hasn’t been misinterpreted by your partner?

Maybe she said something like she shouldn’t have and was being modest?

It’s tricky for us to know without knowing how she feels about you for some women it would be painful to receive this knowing the knew partner was involved.

It was a lovely gesture and I’m sure many mum’s would have appreciated a step-mum that actually cared enough about their step children to go out of their way like that. However, this woman isn’t one of those people…so next time leave it to your dp and she can receive whatever he can be bothered to buy.

Lovely gesture!

Just seen this.

I actually thinks it’s only appropriate to do what you did if you have a solid friendly relationship with the ex partner. You overstepped.

My intention was to help her children celebrate her. All I did was help them choose the items and pay (joint account so partner's money too). Again - their relationship had nearly ended multiple times before I'd even met him and they were sleeping in separate beds for a year before I started the job. Maybe she thinks I'm a factor but I can't help that.

I think its lovely and id be so greatful. Unfortunately some exs will hate you no matter what you do