Got partner's ex a mother's day gift - now being made to feel bad?

[Pimmzy]

Partner has two children (6 and 8) from previous relationship. We moved in together around 6 months ago. Children stay with us Wednesday and Saturday.

On Saturday afternoon, we all go to the same leisure center. I go to the gym while partner and children attend sports clubs. Partner finishes half an hour later than the kid's session, so I collect them and we do a Saturday night "treat" shop while we wait for their dad to finish (go to pizza counter and let them choose toppings, pick some snacks for watching a film later).

This week, while we were in the supermarket I asked if they'd got anything for their mum for mother's day and they said no and seemed a bit down about it. I asked them if they wanted to choose something for her while we were in the supermarket and they seemed really excited about this. I ended up maybe going a bit overboard: got one of the hamper baskets and then got chocolate, face masks, baths salts, bubble baths, slippers socks, chocolates and a little potted plant to fill it and a big card.

We sat down and put it together when we got home and they wrote the card and were very excited. When partner saw, he raised his eyebrows a bit but didn't say much.

Children were very excited on Sunday morning to go back to their mum's and give her their hamper.

Found out today that she's made a comment to partner about not knowing why I'd have done that and seemed to imply it's not my place. My mum thinks I overstepped too.

I honestly just wanted to help the children do a nice thing when they're obviously too young to do it themselves.

Was I being unreasonable to get involved with mother's day? Should I apologise to her or just forget it and move on?

I think that’s lovely and what a fabulous role model you are for the kids.

And you must have a complete lack of empathy and be very emotionally unintelligent if you can’t put yourself in her shoes.

She thinks her marriage ended because of you, the single childfree woman he started working with when they were in the trenches with toddlers. She’s now a single mum whilst her kids spend some time (EOWE?) with Fun Dad and Rich Stepmum, who think nothing of splashing £100+ on pointless supermarket tat.

If you care about the wellbeing of these children, considering their mum’s feelings would be a start.

Even your own mum thinks you’ve overstepped. It’s not the end of the world and you’ll learn from it and become a better stepmum.

This makes my heart feel a little sad, and I hope the kids thought she was happy and excited to receive the gifts. You can only be responsible for YOUR actions. Keep doing what you think is right. However - your partner seems to stand out here - like he is stirring things between you both? I am not sure you should trust what he told you, and she probably has been told differently too. You sound like a lovely person, as do the children. Probably so is she...

£40???? 😮😮😮

Totally over the top to do all of that for your partner's ex! If it were given to me, I would honestly wonder what your game was!

Why didn't you urge your partner to sort this out if you were so worried about the kids/her?
Or get the kids to make some homemade cards?

I was going to say what a nice thing to do, then I read that you were on the scene before they split up...

This place is mad.

The number of posts on here with women complaining the step-mother does nothing and treats the kids poorly and you do a nice thing for the children and her and you’re ‘overstepping’?

I’m seriously over the gymnastics we do on here.

@Pimmzy If I were the ex I’d have messaged you and thanked you and been well aware my ex had done nothing and this was all you.

Personally I’m glad when people are kind to my children and love them when I’m not there.

That’s a lovely thing to do, and you did it for the children, not being unreasonable at all

I would interpret her comment that she meant your partner should have sorted out her Mother's Day gift, not you! He's just perpetuating the narrative that suits him or perhaps hasn't thought it through properly. Presumably she realised your influence was at play compared to anything she's received in the past.

You did a lovely thing OP.

They’re snarky because from the ex’s view, she’s been left for the Other Woman, who’s now playing Lady Bountiful!

MN never ceases to amaze with the absolute mental gymnastics some people go through to reach their own conclusions.

Aw don’t worry too much, let it go now, at end of the day there are MUCH worse things you could have done and it made the kids happy.

You still sound like a lovely person and the best thing you can do for the ex is be kind and lovely to her children, which you are.

OP I do sympathise with you because, like most childless new stepmums, you are putting in a lot of effort and getting it wrong.

In future, remind your ex to take the girls shopping, and maybe help them make a card. You overstepped but it’s not the end of the world, just chalk it up to experience.

You did a nice thing, it wasn’t appreciated & probably never will be. So from now on it’s up to him. And if he ever asks you to do it (for birthdays, Christmas or any occasion) - say a big fat no and remind him of this x

Angry @Ethil think you need to go back to bed hun, you’re a bitch tetchy for mid morning on a Monday.

I read the responses thinking I was going mad, so thank you for confirming this place is just mental.

@Pimmzy Unfortunately, you've been caught in a 'no good deed goes unpunished' episode. This is about her hang ups.
Going forward, save your energy for treating the children well and developing your relationship with them while they're with you.
Their dad will sort out whatever concerns hos ex.

What you did was really nice and I hope ex realizes it came from a good place.

It should have been your partner doing that though and he's stirring the pot here. She might think you were involved in the end of her relationship and there's possibly some resentment there.

Shame OP’s own mum thinks the same!

Hopefully OPs mum was less rude in the delivery of her thoughts than you.

What an absolute stretch. You seem to think you know a lot more about this situation than you do.

Firstly- not sure where you've got this idea of rich step mum and poor struggling single mum? Partner contributes enough to cover most of mortgage on their family home and mum is comfortably middle class with 2 holidays a year.

As I've already said - the relationship had been dead for years and having children was a last ditch attempt to save it. The separation was mutual. Partner's sister told me this too and would have no reason to lie.

I'm only speculating that she possibly suspected he had feelings for me before it was officially over but I really don't know.

I think you did a very nice thing and it was done with the very best of intentions. However, Mother’s Day and the involvement of a new partner with your children is bound to be a very sensitive area. I imagine in this situation you couldn’t do right for wrong. Try not to take it personally. I imagine she was annoyed with the father rather than you. He should have organised something for the children to give her.

I think you overstepped. Just leave her alone. She clearly thinks you were the other woman and will never accept it. Leave it up to him to pick future gifts I think and save yourself the hassle,

It was a nice thing to do. The only thing you should be considering is whether your current DP would make any sort of an effort for you if you have children together.
Given his comments, you should step back and have his ex sort with the kids for Father's Day.

You’ve heard that from him… Dead bedrooms and mutually falling out of love is a very classic script. I would imagine her perspective on the matter is very different.

Anyway, I wish you well, and I hope your relationship stays as perfect and strong as it is now once you have your own toddlers together and your SC are teenagers! Remember, you lose them how you get them.

I can see both pov. You were doing a nice thing but I get why ex is miffed you got involved and needed to be part of it your partner probably felt shown up. My sons christening was after our relationship ended, I had little to do with ex new partner but she insisted on sending him a card seperate from ex when she had met my ds twice. I didn't thank her as it was not needed or wanted.

Honestly I think you are trying a bit hard and it probably seemed false - compliments, the gift etc even tho genuine. She made her feelings clear so I would back off and let any relationship between you and her develop slower

This one I do disagree with - I think OP’s enthusiasm should be for Father’s Day and that’s an appropriate time to take the SC shopping!