Got partner's ex a mother's day gift - now being made to feel bad?

[Pimmzy]

Partner has two children (6 and 8) from previous relationship. We moved in together around 6 months ago. Children stay with us Wednesday and Saturday.

On Saturday afternoon, we all go to the same leisure center. I go to the gym while partner and children attend sports clubs. Partner finishes half an hour later than the kid's session, so I collect them and we do a Saturday night "treat" shop while we wait for their dad to finish (go to pizza counter and let them choose toppings, pick some snacks for watching a film later).

This week, while we were in the supermarket I asked if they'd got anything for their mum for mother's day and they said no and seemed a bit down about it. I asked them if they wanted to choose something for her while we were in the supermarket and they seemed really excited about this. I ended up maybe going a bit overboard: got one of the hamper baskets and then got chocolate, face masks, baths salts, bubble baths, slippers socks, chocolates and a little potted plant to fill it and a big card.

We sat down and put it together when we got home and they wrote the card and were very excited. When partner saw, he raised his eyebrows a bit but didn't say much.

Children were very excited on Sunday morning to go back to their mum's and give her their hamper.

Found out today that she's made a comment to partner about not knowing why I'd have done that and seemed to imply it's not my place. My mum thinks I overstepped too.

I honestly just wanted to help the children do a nice thing when they're obviously too young to do it themselves.

Was I being unreasonable to get involved with mother's day? Should I apologise to her or just forget it and move on?

I completely changed what I planned to say, after reading this. I think that @Ethil is right. I hadn't seen it that way before, but yes, I would totally understand their mum feeling that way.

I get that you were trying to do something nice for the kids, but you went way overboard in how much you got, and she felt you'd (again) stepped on her territory.

Helping the DC to provide a gift is a good thing, but it would have landed better if it had been something it was feasible the DCs chose, rather than so obviously had your hand in it.

Also that

It was a lovely gesture, but I wouldn't do it again. She probably had words with him after instantly clocking the effort was yours, and in his mind, you showed him up (hence why the discussion has filtered down to you and his initial reaction to the gifts). Do you have children together? If not, think carefully, he doesn't exactly sound like a prized catch.

You haven’t overstepped - it’s what the children wanted. And why wouldn’t they? Can’t see any harm in being kind. The kids must have felt like they were free to celebrate the other parent instead of the usual burden of being in between parents with uncomfortable vibes.

It does sound quite elaborate it was a kind thing to do, , I can see why their mum was uncomfortable about it, she would probably have appreciated their dad getting flowers on the way home more, honestly just leave it to their dad to sort things out.

Also OP, how much did you spend? It sounds like well over £100.

She’s presumably living alone in a more difficult financial situation, she doesn’t need you rubbing her face in it about your joint disposable income.

I think you’re doing everything right and you made the children happy which is the main thing. I’d love to have my ex have a gf like you. Don’t over think her comment - it will only reflect weirdness between the exes and I guess some mixed feelings from her - maybe dad never bothered before so it was a surprise that unsettled her, maybe it’s frustrating for her that dad had someone helping him with his jobs when she gets no help etc. lots that it could be but nothing you need to worry about!

So partner has filtered this comment from the ex back you then? Charming.

Yeah, this was a shitty thing for your partner to do. Bit of an orange flag for me.

Not everyone is that manipulative. My profession involves working with children and their wellbeing is always my priority. I'm not interested in using them as pawns. I want them to feel happy and accepted when they're with me and also know that I respect their mother for all she does for them and am not in competition with her.

You have a very pessimistic outlook on life if you think someone letting their step children choose gifts for their mum from a bloody supermarket is trying to be vindictive.

You say they were sleeping in separate beds - that’s not abnormal for a couple with a 1 and 3 year old.

I suspect, in five years when you have toddlers, you may feel that your husband striking up a friendship with a new work colleague is rather less innocent than you do now.

You came at it with good intentions but went way OTT. A bunch of flowers and a card would have been fine and far less likely to raise an eyebrow.

If you noticed that children were upset about not having gifts for their mother why didn't you encourage your partner to sort it out? Do you really believe he doesn't care enough about his kids to make an effort for them? And if that's true then why do you want to be with someone like that?
Your intentions were in right place and some women would take it as a lovely gesture however some would absolutely think you're overstepping or would even feel embarrassed that a father of their children didn't bother and his partner had to step in. It was a risky thing to do.

No - a lot if it was on sale. Probably about £40 max. £20 per child doesn't seem that excessive to me?

I don't know what her finances are like but seems to be doing well enough.

this with bells on!

Why did you go OTT? you seemed to get carried away with gifts. I don't think you were manipulative but I do think you over compensated.
Sometimes less is more, lots of things don't make children happy as you think and bombarding their mum with gifts might have been overwhelming, which their mum stated, does she not matter ?

Meh, what probably actually happened is that she was pissed off that he's outsourced Mothers' Day and asked why you did it because he clearly hadn't bothered if they were decent presents for a change.

£20 a child is OTT for me, particularly if a lot was on sale so it would have looked like you spent more. One of the things in the hamper each would have been more sensible. The trouble is you don't know the family dynamic well enough to judge.

I would have said "doing a nice thing for the ex" might have been better conveyed via encouraging the DC to make homemade cards, as they are at the age where those are generally very much appreciated.

I think this is lovely and would appreciate it from their step mother in tears to come.
My ex takes the kids out ( as they are only 6 & 3) and they're always so made up that they've done something for the event. Especially 6 year old as he obviously aware of it happening etc.
I do the same for fathers day / birthdays etc.
It doesn't matter if it's my ex or a new partner (although I'd argue it's his job not hers) but ultimately who cares, they're a team and it's for the children not for the adults.
We never spend loads, he got me a box of chocolates and a small bottle of prosecco. Probably cost him a fiver in Aldi but the kids had written the card and both made a picture and were delighted to present it to me.

Good co-parents should do this and the fact that either of them have been snarky is a red flag.

It was a lovely thought and I'm sorry they've been so unkind. The children appreciated it and that's what matters really.

But did she actually say it or is your partner deflecting from the fact he did zero effort

The children don't need to know you don't feel in competition with their mum and that you respect what she does for them though. I doubt for a moment they give you a second thought in relation to their mum. These are your own concerns you're projecting onto them.
You want to show HER you don't see her as competition. That you're so secure you can facilitate lavish gifts for her. That you're in the strong position so can afford to be kind.
As far as the DC are concerned all that's required is to not speak badly of her. All you need to do for her is not try to compete with her to be the better mum to her DC. Otherwise, you can just get on with your life and leave your partner, his DC and their mum to manage their own relationships with each other.

@Pimmzy I think there might be a misunderstanding here. She might just have been mad at him for not helping the kids and leaving that to you. He in his turn saw it as "your fault" for him being scolded so brought that comment back to you.

Anyway, what you did for those kids and their mother was absolutely lovely. You're a very kind person and let the kids happiness with what you helped them offer be your reward.

You may have a point to an extent- but it really wasn't that lavish. It was supermarket stuff - not a Harrod's hamper haha.

The 8 year old is quite switched on - I just walked her down the aisles and she was able to pick out most of it herself from what she's seen her mum have at home.

Again though, I appreciate that I just need to let their dad sort it next time and take a step back.