Got partner's ex a mother's day gift - now being made to feel bad?

[Pimmzy]

Partner has two children (6 and 8) from previous relationship. We moved in together around 6 months ago. Children stay with us Wednesday and Saturday.

On Saturday afternoon, we all go to the same leisure center. I go to the gym while partner and children attend sports clubs. Partner finishes half an hour later than the kid's session, so I collect them and we do a Saturday night "treat" shop while we wait for their dad to finish (go to pizza counter and let them choose toppings, pick some snacks for watching a film later).

This week, while we were in the supermarket I asked if they'd got anything for their mum for mother's day and they said no and seemed a bit down about it. I asked them if they wanted to choose something for her while we were in the supermarket and they seemed really excited about this. I ended up maybe going a bit overboard: got one of the hamper baskets and then got chocolate, face masks, baths salts, bubble baths, slippers socks, chocolates and a little potted plant to fill it and a big card.

We sat down and put it together when we got home and they wrote the card and were very excited. When partner saw, he raised his eyebrows a bit but didn't say much.

Children were very excited on Sunday morning to go back to their mum's and give her their hamper.

Found out today that she's made a comment to partner about not knowing why I'd have done that and seemed to imply it's not my place. My mum thinks I overstepped too.

I honestly just wanted to help the children do a nice thing when they're obviously too young to do it themselves.

Was I being unreasonable to get involved with mother's day? Should I apologise to her or just forget it and move on?

you overstepped from their Mum's perspective @Pimmzy and that is all the information you need, for next year.

It was super nice of you. BUT it was a bit much, maybe a nice card would have done it. Now she feels awkward. Who paid for the hamper?

So do I apologise to her or just leave it be?

I do feel awful if I've upset her on Mother's Day. Genuinely wasn't my intention. Do I just give her some context and emphasise that it was all the children's idea? Or is bringing it up again likely to piss her off more?

Mmhmm.

You did this to curry favour with the children, don’t pretend not to know how she’d feel to know you bought the Mother’s Day gifts… This is faux naivety which isn’t fooling your own mum, let alone your partner’s ex.

It was a nice thought but I think you overstepped. You would have been better to check with your partner beforehand, or suggest the children waited for their Dad before making the supermarket visit. Or kept your gift to giving them a couple of pounds to pick out some chocolate/something small.

What you bought is far too generous a gift and may well have embarrassed her, especially as it sounds like it was outside of the norm for gift giving in the family.

Just leave her alone.

Be nice to SC when they’re with you, don’t try to put your influence in her house too.

Maybe I’m reading this all wrong but I feel like the bad feeling is actually coming from your partner, op. Like he didn’t need to report anything back at all but the only part that was negative was ‘implied’ and something he may have imagined? She may have said ‘oh she didn’t need to do all that!’ or similar and he’s either actually taken that in a negative way or he’s telling you it was meant in a negative way because, I don’t know, he feels badly towards the ex and doesn’t want you being matey wit her, or he felt you made him look bad by going all out while he did fuck all or similar. Maybe I’m barking up the wrong tree, but you said he was sniffy about it before it even made it to the ex.

I think you had the right intentions but I'd have let the children and their father lead on this - particularly as it's all so new. And I think you got her way more than most people would have so I can see why she'd feel a bit overwhelmed by it all. Really lovely thought but perhaps just calm it down a bit for the next time.

he probably would have popped them to get a bunch of flowers on Sunday morning but agree he wouldn't have put much thought into it

I think you meant well, but overstepped. It was up to him to arrange something for his children's mother, and sounds like he would have done

You’re lovely! What a lovely and kind gesture.

This. You put the children first. Children are learning what type of person you are. Lovely. Never change. Your partner however, could learn this is the way to do it (especially if amicable).

I think you overstepped. The presents will have felt a bit tainted because their dad’s new girlfriend helped choose and pay for them, plus there’s the feelings of being jealous that you were all bonding over it. It’s not easy having a woman you don’t know getting to play step mum, especially at the beginning.

As a mum whose Mother’s Day presents were organised by my kids’ stepmum for many years and gratefully received by me, I think your partner’s ex sounds a bit difficult. Even if she did think it wasn’t your place, her kids loved it. You’d have thought she’d be happy with that.

That's fair I suppose. We don't have much of a relationship- have always been polite and civil. I do try make an effort whenever I see her - give compliments about her clothes, flowers in the garden if I've been there for drop off/pick up, mention the lovely things the children have told me about things she'd been doing with them. I don't see us becoming friends but I'm always as kind as possible for the children's sake. I'd hope since she sees this side of me, she'd just take the hamper as a kind gesture but as you say I've clearly got it wrong.

I think it was really nice of you especially as the kids were pleased and excited. It seems you went a bit over the top with the actual gift (which you acknowledge yourself) and that's caused the issue.

It meant it was obvious that you rather than their dad (last minute bunch of supermarket flowers being his style) did it/obvious overstep rather than one she didn't need to know about.
Showed up his crap usual efforts, hence him making sure you "got the message".
Makes it a bit awkward for the kids in future years as they'll be aware of doing "less" next time.

Never mind OP. I think you sound lovely and well meaning!

leave it be, there is nothing to be gained from you apologising.

If he's the "garage flowers" type of partner, she'll have known fine well that you'd helped the kids, this mother's day, wouldn't she?

Not surprising really that she was unappreciative.

I think it was a really nice gesture that was maybe a bit too personal / "woman to woman" when actually her ex partner now lives with you not her. Maybe she interpreted (not necessarily correctly) as you saying "I am the bigger person here". Anyway, don't bother next time - less for you to do! Such a shame when things done with good intentions backfire.

I think that you appologise (seeing as you asked). I voted YABU because something small, just chosen by the children would have been enough. The potted plant and socks would be tainted because it is early days. Flowers and chocolates were good enough.

Because her partner knows a) his ex thinks OP was the other woman (very few men leave without someone new lined up) and she’d feel awkward by it b) it was extravagant and out of the normal gift giving routine their family

OP has put her partner in an awkward position with his ex.

It was a lovely gesture. I just wouldn’t repeat it. What a silly woman to not think how lucky her kids are to have a thoughtful step parent in their lives. Not everyone is as lucky. But I’d say to people what you said here. No other person was bothering and the kids where sad about it, that your intentions was for the kids to feel good and in no good conscience could you sit back and allow such young kids bare the burden of guilt meant for others to hold

This is a nasty comment! Give your head a wobble.

Back to the OP. I think you overdid it a bit. A bunch of flowers or box of chocs and a card would have been more than enough. Just so that she wasn’t empty handed. I don’t think it’s the ex partner’s responsibility to get Mother’s Day gifts from his kids for his ex - and it’s not her responsibility to get Father’s Day gifts (possibly an exception if the children are v young and there is no family that could help the children). But you were very kind and there is no need whatsoever for apologise. Your husband ought to have said that you only bought it so that the children could spoil her and that nobody will do anything next time if that’s what she prefers.

I’m a stepmum. My stepson’s maternal grandmother used to help him with Mother’s Day after the split when he was young and his paternal grandmother or I would help him with presents for my husband on Father’s Day. (I wasn’t around for the first few after they split). As he got older and bought his own presents I’d just give him a couple of reminders about Mother’s Day in the preceding weeks so that he got her something.

We've been together 2 and a half years so not that new - just this was the first year living together.

I think if I could go back in time, I just shouldn't have mentioned mother's day to them in the first place. I was just making conversation then hated it when they looked sad and wanted to fix it. In future, I'll leave their dad to sort it.

She thinks you're playing lady bountiful with her from your 'superior' status as new partner. The lavish nature of the gift will be seen as messaging how much you have and can give her if you choose.
If she suspects you were his affair partner she probably sees you very negatively and likely struggles with you being in her children's lives at all, never mind inserting yourself (as she would see it) in a day that was meant to be about her and her DC.
You obviously meant well but if you genuinely want to 'be kind' to her, you'd be better keeping a lower profile. Helping the DC to provide a gift is a good thing, but it would have landed better if it had been something it was feasible the DCs chose, rather than so obviously had your hand in it.

Walk away. The problem is the DP.