Got partner's ex a mother's day gift - now being made to feel bad?

[Pimmzy]

Partner has two children (6 and 8) from previous relationship. We moved in together around 6 months ago. Children stay with us Wednesday and Saturday.

On Saturday afternoon, we all go to the same leisure center. I go to the gym while partner and children attend sports clubs. Partner finishes half an hour later than the kid's session, so I collect them and we do a Saturday night "treat" shop while we wait for their dad to finish (go to pizza counter and let them choose toppings, pick some snacks for watching a film later).

This week, while we were in the supermarket I asked if they'd got anything for their mum for mother's day and they said no and seemed a bit down about it. I asked them if they wanted to choose something for her while we were in the supermarket and they seemed really excited about this. I ended up maybe going a bit overboard: got one of the hamper baskets and then got chocolate, face masks, baths salts, bubble baths, slippers socks, chocolates and a little potted plant to fill it and a big card.

We sat down and put it together when we got home and they wrote the card and were very excited. When partner saw, he raised his eyebrows a bit but didn't say much.

Children were very excited on Sunday morning to go back to their mum's and give her their hamper.

Found out today that she's made a comment to partner about not knowing why I'd have done that and seemed to imply it's not my place. My mum thinks I overstepped too.

I honestly just wanted to help the children do a nice thing when they're obviously too young to do it themselves.

Was I being unreasonable to get involved with mother's day? Should I apologise to her or just forget it and move on?

As others have said- give it a rest now Ethil. Seems like you have your own issues you're projecting.

Nothing romantic happened between us until 2 years after they'd separated. I simply knew him prior.

It depends on your relationship with her really.

Otherwise, it was a nice idea but you went OTT. If you’d left it as a card and box of chocs it would have been fine.

I’m a stepmum too and have always helped SC make their mum a card and make a token craft present. Their stepdad sorts gifts, just like I sort Father’s Day gifts for their dad.

In this case, the ex thinks OP is the other woman, and OP’s gone way beyond what’s appropriate for a woman who clearly dislikes her and finds her fake. OP needs to learn that being a good stepmum isn’t just splashing the cash to impress young kids, but being emotionally mature enough to think of the bigger picture and the feelings of her partner and his ex as well.

Roughly separated 2 years by the time we started seeing each other. Had been moved out for nearly a year and a half.

No - did not not discuss anything to do with his marriage during separation. Think he was quite embarrassed about it at work and tried to keep it on the down low. We were just friendly colleagues- no time spent together alone outside of work. I didn't even know he had separated for a long time after it happened.

Told me about relationship dynamics a bit after dating for a few months but it was actually his sister that gave me a more indepth insight.

I’ve got a good relationship with my partner’s ex, thanks, though it started off similarly to yours. I am basically you but ten years on. If I’d cared less about what the ex thought, and focused more on my own needs than being the perfect stepmum, I’d have saved myself a lot of stress.

I think you’ll look back on this in five years and cringe. Stepparenting isn’t for the weak, and you’ll learn as you go along, like everyone else does! Time will give you a different perspective.

You sound lovely OP, that was very thoughtful and strikes me as you not feeling bitter or wanting to annoy her at all. I’d have thought of you wanted to upset her you’d just do nothing and hope she didn’t get anything. She seems to just want to find fault.

Jesus Christ @Ethil Give it a rest. You’ve literally spent all morning spinning some story to justify having a go at the OP. Talk about obsessed. OP did something nice, it wasn’t appreciated, she shouldn’t bother doing it again. Mistake made, lesson learnt.

That was a lovely thoughtful gesture. My ex (kids dad) had a GF who filled a gift bag for me for my birthday I was over the moon

Wow, all the step-monsters should definately be more you.
Wouldn't life be a little bit better for all involved x

One of those times where you can't do right for doing wrong, it was a lovely gesture op and you keep doing you. 💖

You were thoughtful and quite frankly your partner the dad should have done something as kids young / a bunch of flowers sun am is crap and an afterthought

mum prob embarrassed as you did it not the dad

dad prob pissed off as you do a nice thing tbh at he should have so makes him lol Crap - which he is

what did he do the last 2 md and now he n lee for next year he takes the kids to home bargains and they choose

It was an overstep. You’ll know for next time.

Aww that's so nice. Sorry that they were arseholes about it. She's probably one of these who would also complain if you weren't interested in his children etc. some people are bitter and like to have a victim mindset over everything.

You did a lovely thing for the right reasons. You came at it from a child-centred place. And that's how it should be!

My step daughter's 19 and works full time so she sorts her mum's presents out herself but I still replied to her mothers day message to me by saying I hope she's treated her mum.

I get what you say about maybe it being too much. It could've been just a card and a bunch of flowers. I'd suggest a quick message to the mum saying "Hi, sorry if I overstepped the mark, the girls wanted to treat you for Mothers Day and were enjoying picking prezzies for you so we got carried away. I hope you had a lovely day with the girls, they're great kids." or something.

I can see you wanted to do a nice thing but can also see it from her side. If you have been together 2.5 years and they were separated 2 years prior then she was left with a baby and a toddler. She will 100% resent you for that, whether it was anything to do with you or not.

Maybe leave these things to your partner from now on.

This is what I'm seeing. You've recently moved in and you're already doing what he should be doing. You're carrying his load already.

He needs to make more effort.

You comment on what mum has been doing with the kids? Always give feedback on clothes/flowers etc?

OP I know you have good intentions, but it sounds like you are trying too hard.

Also, are you sure your DP hasn't set this up as you showed him up by properly treating the woman who is majority raising his kids.

You’re projecting all over the thread!

OP’s said she thinks the ex thinks it was an affair. Not many women want to be bought fluffy socks and face masks by the other woman.

Yes…but she’s been told by partner they were sleeping in separate beds 😉

Where did she say that?

Don’t apologise but stop acting as in a parent role.

This was definitely overboard and might be viewed as too “try hard”.

Leave the children to their own parents. You shouldn’t be looking after them or spending your money on them.

9:27

OP was a new work colleague whilst her partner and his ex had a baby and a toddler, and were allegedly sleeping in separate rooms for years. They only had their children (two, over 3-4 years) to try to patch up their failing relationship apparently.

I’m sure OP believes it, but it’s a very familiar script on her partner’s part. I can understand why the ex isn’t desperate to be OP’s new best friend.

You overstepped with the amount of stuff you gave = chocs/card would have been enough.

I also expect your partner got a flea in his ear from her (rightly so) for not sorting it himself. It wasn't your place, but you made the kids happy so I can understand why you did it

The Dad should have done it really. I know they aren’t together any more but they were once very much in love to the point they had not one but two children together. I think he should have stepped up to do this and show his appreciation for her as a Mother to their two children. I imagine she doesn’t want any of this stuff from you.

edited to add just read you were the other women. Ffs. You can’t make up for what you did with Mother’s Day tat. You need to just work on yourself and your morals. Good luck, you’ll need it. Just think how you will feel when there is a new girl in the office that catches his eye. I hope no one ever does this to you, your daughter or sister.