Got partner's ex a mother's day gift - now being made to feel bad?

[Pimmzy]

Partner has two children (6 and 8) from previous relationship. We moved in together around 6 months ago. Children stay with us Wednesday and Saturday.

On Saturday afternoon, we all go to the same leisure center. I go to the gym while partner and children attend sports clubs. Partner finishes half an hour later than the kid's session, so I collect them and we do a Saturday night "treat" shop while we wait for their dad to finish (go to pizza counter and let them choose toppings, pick some snacks for watching a film later).

This week, while we were in the supermarket I asked if they'd got anything for their mum for mother's day and they said no and seemed a bit down about it. I asked them if they wanted to choose something for her while we were in the supermarket and they seemed really excited about this. I ended up maybe going a bit overboard: got one of the hamper baskets and then got chocolate, face masks, baths salts, bubble baths, slippers socks, chocolates and a little potted plant to fill it and a big card.

We sat down and put it together when we got home and they wrote the card and were very excited. When partner saw, he raised his eyebrows a bit but didn't say much.

Children were very excited on Sunday morning to go back to their mum's and give her their hamper.

Found out today that she's made a comment to partner about not knowing why I'd have done that and seemed to imply it's not my place. My mum thinks I overstepped too.

I honestly just wanted to help the children do a nice thing when they're obviously too young to do it themselves.

Was I being unreasonable to get involved with mother's day? Should I apologise to her or just forget it and move on?

It was a lovely gesture and sounds like you made the children very happy in doing this for their mum

I think you should probably just leave it now….

Completely agree with this, v good advice!

I wouldn't mention it again as else it sounds like you are making a big deal of it and want to show off that you didn't mean to buy so many things but the children insisted (which will sound fake and also might sound as if you have a wonderful relationship with them that you all go shopping together and they tell you all kinds of details about their mum).

It's your partner's job whether he gets something from the children for their mum. Fair enough if you had asked him beforehand and said I am going to Tesco, it's mother's day tomorrow, have you sorted the kids with something for their mum and then let him say either he would deal with it or to say yes can you grab a bunch of flowers or box of chocolates.

To me you went too far in buying all you did.

It doesn’t matter whether posters here think you broke up their marriage. It does matter what your partner’s ex thinks, and you’ve said you think she feels you were a factor in her separation.

You’ve been told repeatedly that you’re overstepping and being over involved, including by her, your own partner and your own mother. Yet you want to double down and tell her you’ve been talking to her kids about intimate things like what she does in the bath? Then tell her you’ll coach your partner into how to be a better father?

Weird AF. I think you’re enjoying twisting the knife and she knows it. Making an unnecessary enemy of your partner’s ex is very shortsighted. The kids loyalty will always be to her.

Good luck, you’re going to need it, especially when you have your own kids and your stepdaughters are teens.

What a nasty unpleasant thing to say. You do realise there are 2 little girls who were giddy and excited to help choose these gifts for their mum.

This was a woman who wanted her partners children to be involved in Mother’s Day and to gift their mum something nice.

People like yourself commenting shit like this disgust me.

Do you feel better about yourself now? Insecure much?

Then she should have got her partner to do this or done it alongside him..it comes across as smug and I know the children better than their own mum (that they want to go shopping and talk freely about their own mums likes and dislikes). Their own mum must be wondered what else the OP knows about her (that she asks the children about).

😬

I think it was really lovely of you. I used to worry so much about Mother's Day when I was a child. Usually my auntie or grandma would come through with something for my mum, but it was never from me. I always wanted to pick a gift like my friends and choose something I thought she'd love.

I can't tell you how much it would have meant if my dad or step-mum had helped me make a hamper like that.

How the hell is it “smug”?

It’s only insecure people who would see a genuinely nice gesture as “smug”. It’s such a ridiculous mindset to have.

The projection on this thread is fucking insane.

What an absolutely awful thing to say!

Honestly, this says so much more about you than it does the OP. You’re a very bitter and twisted person!

I’ve got a great relationship with my stepchildren and their mum though, which is more than OP can say, and rather suggests you’re wrong.

Your posts on here alone show that you are Ethil, and many others agree with me based on the reactions! You come across as a massive bully.

She also has a great relationship with her step children based on her posts. Your projection and nasty comments all day on here however tell a great deal about you.

The OP has reacted with dignity to your attempts at bullying.

Are you getting some kind of kick out of trying to make the OP feel inadequate and that she‘s done something wrong?

I’m embarrassed for you because you clearly haven’t matured since secondary school and haven’t grown out of the mean girl behaviour.

I suggest you show your step children and their mother your posts on here. I highly doubt you would though. I imagine you’d be too embarrassed at your own nastiness. Keyboard warrior springs to mind!

You did a lovely, kind thing and made the children happy into the bargain. For all you know, the ex didn’t say any such thing, your DP may be making that up as HE thinks you overstepped. The children undoubtedly told their Mum that you had taken them shopping and maybe it made him look bad.

Even if she did say it, he should not have relayed that back to you, that’s a mean thing to do. AND he should have taken the children shopping himself to get a card and gift for their mother. Not impressed by him.

You haven’t done anything wrong, you’re only being criticised because you are a stepmum which seems to be par for the course on Mumsnet. Nothing you had done would have been right.

I really like buying gifts and nice gestures for others. That’s who I am, it’s part of my personality. I would have done the same thing as you, getting caught up in the kid’ excitement. I’ve been criticised by my DH’s ex over the years for every single interaction I have had with her or the SC’s no matter how nice I have been, and I’m at the stage where I think oh well just fuck off then you miserable bitch. I don’t let her stultification taint my
otherwise happy life or affect who I am and how I want to behave.

A lovely tbought but a wayOTT in amount of presents.
Am sure she felt overwhelmed. After all your relationship still in early days.
I a. Sure a simple present from each child would have been more appreciated.

@Pimmzy it was a really lovely and thoughtful gesture to help the kids celebrate their mum. The kids will really appreciate your kindness to their mother. It'll go a long way to forming strong bonds with them both.

You didn't overstep. Sending them home without anything to give to their mum on mother's day would have been sad for them. Well done OP!

It's done. You can't change it now. Next time you see her just mention that when the children said they hadn't bought a mother's day gift, that you thought that they'd have a bit of fun making up a hamper for her. Leave it at that and do not give it another thought. Draw a line under it and to hell with what anyone here thinks.

It was probably not necessary to get quite so much - just a small gift might have been enough. You'll know another time.

What a lovely thoughtful person you are! So so kind to think of the children and what they would like to do for their mum
Really it should have been dad buying a gift and a card from his children to their mum
He obviously couldnt be arsed for whatever reason. Well done for stepping up , make sure he does next year

I stand and salute you.

You are the bigger person and the best one in the group of adults. Perhaps, the children will retain this memory as a positive one for them.
Having a heart and soul like yours is rare.
Other people don't always recognise it for what it is....and you can and should just be proud of this instance, but also who you are. They don't need to give you permission... It would have been nice for one of those other adults to applaud you and thank you. It sounds like they're put out because they wish they were capable of doing this before you did it. ....or in your shoes.

😘😘😘😘😘😍😍😍😍😍

@Pimmzy people on here are batshit at times. I’m a stepmum, DH and I both talk to the DSC about what their mum would like for Mother’s Day and her birthday.
How is being led by the children overstepping?
some of the responses you’ve had are an absolute stretch, although I’d be looking askance at your DP for thinking he needed to share what his ex said with you.

Men are not generally reliable narrators re their exes so I doubt the comment came from her. He probably doesn't want you getting on lest you compare notes!