Got partner's ex a mother's day gift - now being made to feel bad?

[Pimmzy]

Partner has two children (6 and 8) from previous relationship. We moved in together around 6 months ago. Children stay with us Wednesday and Saturday.

On Saturday afternoon, we all go to the same leisure center. I go to the gym while partner and children attend sports clubs. Partner finishes half an hour later than the kid's session, so I collect them and we do a Saturday night "treat" shop while we wait for their dad to finish (go to pizza counter and let them choose toppings, pick some snacks for watching a film later).

This week, while we were in the supermarket I asked if they'd got anything for their mum for mother's day and they said no and seemed a bit down about it. I asked them if they wanted to choose something for her while we were in the supermarket and they seemed really excited about this. I ended up maybe going a bit overboard: got one of the hamper baskets and then got chocolate, face masks, baths salts, bubble baths, slippers socks, chocolates and a little potted plant to fill it and a big card.

We sat down and put it together when we got home and they wrote the card and were very excited. When partner saw, he raised his eyebrows a bit but didn't say much.

Children were very excited on Sunday morning to go back to their mum's and give her their hamper.

Found out today that she's made a comment to partner about not knowing why I'd have done that and seemed to imply it's not my place. My mum thinks I overstepped too.

I honestly just wanted to help the children do a nice thing when they're obviously too young to do it themselves.

Was I being unreasonable to get involved with mother's day? Should I apologise to her or just forget it and move on?

I think I'd be annoyed if my sons dad's girlfriend did this. Although he's never once took my son to get a card. He's 14 now and with a bit of nudging from my partner got me a card on his own.

You could have gotten them to draw a card, it feels like all these presents made it about you. Because it was quiye obvious to her you picked and paid for all these gifts. And she doesn't want a gift from you to thank her for being a mother to her own children. That's the way I would take it.

I'm sure you really meant well though but it's overstepping

Its a lovley gesture. You sure your partner isnt trying to pitt you against each other

I think the issue is the amount of stuff you got.

At that age a token gift that shows they thought about it being mothers day is what she would have been expecting.

She would also have an idea of a budget he spends on flowers that she will likely equal on fathers day and this has unexpectedly upped the expectation on what she spends helping them get a present for him on father's day.

If my ex spent more than a token amount on a mother's day gift I'd feel like I had to buy more than a token gift on fathers day as how can I explain the difference in treatment to my DD. And I would resent it - a token amount to keep DD happy is fine but I don't want to spend more than that on someone who if we didn't share a child I'd never choose to talk to again.

I don't think it was an overstep. I had something similar when my daughter divorced and it was the first Christmas. Her boys were worried that they hadn't got anything for their Dad (this was Christmas Eve!) so I took them to choose something for him. Apparently he was furious, but his own parents hadn't taken the kids to buy anything for him. Anyway it didn't happen again, but I don't regret it because it made the children happy.

I think it was very kind of you. I wonder if she's annoyed with him because he should be arranging it, and feels put out that he's not bothered.

I'm not going to apologise, but next time I see her I might compliment the children on how thoughtful they were with picking items and how excited they were e.g. 8 y/o remembering her mum used a sheet mask and salts in the bath, 6 y/o choosing the potted plant (in silly novelty pot which is definitely something a child would pick - not me 🤣). Then mention that maybe they'll do it again next year with their dad's help. This way she knows it was led by the children but I'll take a step back next year.

Oh god don’t do this - it’ll sound rehearsed especially if you are always gushing about her clothes/garden etc. I would “apologise” (ie pretend to be sorry) and say you overstepped the mark and will let their dad take the lead next year. It’s win:win for you as you still made a kind gesture, it’s letting her know that you heard what she said, plus you can hand this job back to DH from now on.

IMO I don’t think you did anything wrong and it was a thoughtful thing to do, however this is how I would approach it, given the feedback from her.

Please don't use the children to get a message across. In fact, don't refer to it again unless she does. If that happens, you could say 'I understand you think I overstepped. No worries, in future I'll leave that sort of thing to their dad'.

No apology, no drama, the end.

Are you a step Mum or just their Dad's girlfriend though? Why does his gym activity have to end half an hour after they finish? He doesn't have much time with the kids yet he palms them off with his girlfriend for half an hour? Even in the eighties when it was every other weekend, and Dads were more hands off generally, we would have been miffed to have to be looked after by our Dads girlfriend. Mothers Day gifts are definitely their parents domain. Now you know not to do it again.

Well it's 2026 not the 80s - couples can live together without being married. The children refer to me as their stepmum. I'm not interested in getting married.

Not that it's any of your business, but the activity at the leisure centre is something the children love doing and look forward to. Their dad does the same hobby but the adult session which runs later - he doesn't dictate the time. He doesn't force the children to do it and asked them if they minded when his session finished later- they said no. They also get excited about our little "treat" shop and start talking about what they want to get from Saturday morning.

God forbid we should find a way that everyone is happy and gets to spend some time on a weekend enjoying a hobby they can bond over. He works longer hours on two days he doesn't have them so he can finish early and pick them straight up from school on Wednesdays and have more time with them. But sure, he's a piece of sh*t dad that "palms them off" for a whole 30 minutes.

There's some really nasty posts on here

It's easy to see who woman's biggest enemy is - it's other woman.

So many woman seem very insecure and want to read into something more than there really is.

Op you did a lovely thing but you've been put in your place. No effort from you for mother's day, birthday, Xmas towards her. Let him sort it. Remind him at most. See if she's happier when next year she gets a half dead bunch of flowers and a card for "dear mother"

i don’t think he is an awful man - but maybe lacks emotional intelligence?

did he not think he children would want to give their mum a Mother’s Day present? Did he not think to take them to buy a card, or help them make a card?

Op literally said all they do is pop to the shop and buy something nice for the evening. I'm sorry you had a difficult time with your Dad and his gfs but OP is clearly more than the current squeeze.

I’d have given my right arm for a person like you in my children’s lives rather than the she-wolf harpy I ended up with.

I don’t feel you overstepped, and I’d have appreciated you taking the time with the children to do such a thoughtful thing.

Surely the word thing is DP handing the kids over with the gift and making a point of saying you'd brought it? Sounds like he was trying to make a point about how great you are and it annoyed her.
I'd have just let the kids hand it over and say "they picked it out for you"

Agreed

Thank you for saying this.

I think that's the thing - you hear so many awful stories about women who come into children's lives but except to be the dad's priority and find the children an inconvenience or resent their mum/new partner for having a past and go out of their way to make things tense and awkward which ultimately is just unfair on the children.

When I decided to start a relationship with this man, I knew I wanted to try to be a positive addition to their lives and treat their mum with nothing but respect. If I was just trying to have a "cheap win" with the children like some have suggested, I'd ignore all her rules and boundaries and buy them lots of fizzy drinks and things she doesn't allow.

The message I hope to send the children is that their mother deserves to be celebrated and that they are lovely, thoughtful children for taking so much joy from choosing gifts for her.

As highlighted by some wise women on this thread, it seems you're destined to fail in someone's eyes as a stepmum. You're either too selfish and disinterested or overstepping out of your lane.

Well I think you did a lovely thoughtful thing @Pimmzy , if anyone takes issue with it, it says more about them than you.

EDIT: quoted wrong person 🤣

Op, I think ultimately your heart was in the right place and you were being child focussed. I just think the execution should've been a bit more subtle. As someone alluded to earlier, the level of gifts you gave would suggest you had a great relationship with her and you're friends. Doesn't make you a bad person though.

You did this with good intentions and I'd not be apologising for it but I would be taking note and not be doing anything for her in the future, leave it to your partner to decide if he will get something for her or not.

Well said. It sounds as if you had a lovely day as a family. Cant imagine wby the previous poster used the term palmed them off. She may be a tad difficult to live with,methinks!!!