Got partner's ex a mother's day gift - now being made to feel bad?

[Pimmzy]

Partner has two children (6 and 8) from previous relationship. We moved in together around 6 months ago. Children stay with us Wednesday and Saturday.

On Saturday afternoon, we all go to the same leisure center. I go to the gym while partner and children attend sports clubs. Partner finishes half an hour later than the kid's session, so I collect them and we do a Saturday night "treat" shop while we wait for their dad to finish (go to pizza counter and let them choose toppings, pick some snacks for watching a film later).

This week, while we were in the supermarket I asked if they'd got anything for their mum for mother's day and they said no and seemed a bit down about it. I asked them if they wanted to choose something for her while we were in the supermarket and they seemed really excited about this. I ended up maybe going a bit overboard: got one of the hamper baskets and then got chocolate, face masks, baths salts, bubble baths, slippers socks, chocolates and a little potted plant to fill it and a big card.

We sat down and put it together when we got home and they wrote the card and were very excited. When partner saw, he raised his eyebrows a bit but didn't say much.

Children were very excited on Sunday morning to go back to their mum's and give her their hamper.

Found out today that she's made a comment to partner about not knowing why I'd have done that and seemed to imply it's not my place. My mum thinks I overstepped too.

I honestly just wanted to help the children do a nice thing when they're obviously too young to do it themselves.

Was I being unreasonable to get involved with mother's day? Should I apologise to her or just forget it and move on?

You did a lovely thing and the children are lucky to have you. That said, for your sake, you are taking on HIS mental load. Sorting this is on him and if he's the kind of man not to bother or be really low effort (even if its for the benefit of the kids rather than ex) - you know what to expect when it comes to special celebrations for you in the future. Just be careful what you are taking on in terms of possible low effort man and/or mental load of your relationship.

I think you could send her a note saying that the kids were in the supermarket saying how much they wanted to give their mum a lovely Mother's Day and you decided to support them doing it. It was an impulse, not a thought out decision. You realise now that you went too far; you are really sorry and won't do anything like that again.

I think you're a fabulous caring person and a great influence in the children's lives. Ignore any comments or snips that say you've overstepped

I wouldn't. Best to just leave it.

I wouldn’t do that, the ex just made a doorstep comment, it doesn’t warrant an apology letter which puts the onus on the ex to accept the gracious kind OP’s thoughtful apology.

OP just needs to back off next time.

I think it was a lovely thing to do and your partner and his ex just sound like difficulty people. Don’t bother next time and make your partner take responsibility.

I'm in the camp that thinks that you are lovely, and what a great thing to do, but I would apologise, and spin it that you did it as an enabler for what the kids wanted to do for their mum. It helps that this is true, but the Ex needs help seeing it this way. With some luck, she will begin to see you as an ally in helping her kids get through her divorce unscathed.

Was he telling you about his desperately unhappy, separate beds relationship while they were still together? What was the gap between their relationship ending and yours beginning? It’s hard to answer without knowing the dynamics, but I think @Ethilis on to something and your mum’s opinion is telling… maybe I’m wrong but it comes across like you have some ulterior motives and are way too over involved. That’s probably how the ex feels and I’d take a step back.

This year I made a gift basket up for all the kids in my family. Two sets of niblings so they had something to give their single mums (6m and 7 and 9 and 13) and for my grand babies to give their mum even though I knew their dad would get her stuff, I washed them to choose what THEY wanted. So my dd got a huge box of chocolates, a note book and pen and an elegant hot water bottle “cos she loves elephants “. Mum sisters got chocolates, note books, flowers etc. and the kids filled in their own cards. My sisters would have got nothing if I didn’t do it and I’m more than happy to do it. I also do it at Christmas. One year my DNs bought her a 4 pack of Andrex toilet roll with puppies in as they genuinely thought it was a treat for her as she was always taking about them using all the toilet roll and how expensive it is 😂🥰. Thankfully she totally saw the funny side and I also talked them into choosing a nice silver locket for her and then they cut up their photos and put them inside and drew her some nice pictures of her to put in a frame. Both my sisters sadly chose absolute arseholes who can barely even adult never mind parent or show any consideration for Mother’s Day or Christmas. So I always make an effort with the kids.

Hmm, did your partners ex actually say that or is your partner just saying that so you won’t do it again.

I would just let your partner organise his ex’s Mother’s Day gift and card. It kind of surprises me that women are willing to do stuff that the man should be doing.

But I’m not a step mum and am not sure of how the dynamic works in other relationships.

I don’t think I’d apologise in your situation though. I think I’d just leave it. I’m also not sure whether your partner reported back what his ex said properly. He may have his own agenda.

I honestly think if you genuinely don't want to upset her, you need to just leave her alone. She thinks you had an affair with her partner. She has to put up with you in her children's lives. She probably heartily wishes she'd never have to see or hear from you again.
The kindest thing you can do for her is stop putting yourself under her nose. No more gestures that you're obviously behind. No more flowers that force her to say thank you when she'd probably rather spit in your eye. No explanations about how you actually did a nice thing for her children because you're so caring of them and you're sorry your kindness upset her.
She is not your concern and you don't need a relationship with her. You're giving her too much headspace and forcing yourself into a role in her life she is highly unlikely to want you to play. She's your partners business, not yours.

You are pronouncing things about their relationship as fact when you only know what you've been told and have no idea her perspective on things. It's like you're inserting yourself into their relationship as well as mothers day.

Plus the way you describe your interactions with her - there's a real difference between being kind and being overly flattering and complimentary to her. She probably sees you as insincere. True kindness would be to back off a bit more as that's clearly what she wants.

I wouldn't have liked receiving a load of supermarket tat from my ex husband's new partner for which I'm then meant to be grateful either.

I don't mean my post to be hurtful - I do think you're trying to be kind but without taking her into account as someone with her own opinions and wishes.

I'd just leave it. Well meant and shows the kids you think well of their mum but landed badly with mum.

If other years have been a last minute bunch of flowers and this year it's a hamper of stuff it's going to be obvious to her the difference this year is you. Even if she doesn't think you were part of the break up she might be struggling with her children having a step mum figure in their lives and other home.

I'd stop making the effort with compliments about her clothes and garden and things the kids have said too, that risks seeming like you are just trying to ingratiate yourself. Which to be honest you are, because you said you deliberately make an effort to say stuff. And if she is finding it hard processing you being in the kids lives then she isn't going to want to hear you crowbar in "the kids told me xyz about what you and they did" when all you need to do it the basics to drop off. Not saying it's rational or reasonable but I think it's entirely possible.

Two things can be simultaneously true that it was both a thoughtful gesture but massively overstepping

not least of all becuase OP you don’t like her that much is very clear from how you post about her and her relationship and whilst I will take your good intentions at face value it could easily have been a power play statement

it can come across as false and you can’t be so naive as to not see given what you have said about the relationship how it could come across

I think you did a nice thing for the children and it made them happy. Given their mother's reaction, I would take a step back and let your partner deal with present buying from now on. I wouldn't try and apologise or explain unless she raises it with you directly, I don't think you've done anything wrong and you're not responsible for how others choose to respond to or interpret your actions. Let it go and don't beat yourself up over it.

I think what you did was nice and would have been absolutely spot on if you had just done less you definitely overstepped by buying way too much.. it has now become more about YOU buying her something and less about the kids doing something nice for her.. which to be honest is a little weird, and I can see why it has been met with confusion on her part, and other people.

A hamper/slippers/pot plant etc is absolutely not something the kids would have chosen to put together, they hadn't even thought about her at all, so saying it was the children's idea is disingenuous, don't tell her that. If you are being honest you probably bought them because it is what you think a good mothers day gift should have been, and didn't think any further than it being a nice gesture, but the better option would have been to let them buy flowers/chocolate and a card, OR at the ages that they are, let them make something for her.. anything over that is just too much and is more like a birthday gift from your family to her, especially when she gets the very bare minimum effort usually, I'd feel a little weird about it too.

Please don't be put off from helping them celebrate her next year, the idea was lovely, just the execution was way over the top. You could have a chat with her when you see her, and say the kids wanted to do something nice, but you got carried away in their excitement!

I completely disagree with many posters and think you did a truly lovely thing. My ex is great at helping our kids with cards and gifts - he's a great person - but if he forgot or didn't have time I would absolutely be happy his partner took the time and effort to do a kind thing for me and the children.

Didn't realise you knew my mum and her thoughts 🤣

She just thinks their mum is being miserable and I should have just left my partner to sort it and a not wasted my efforts on a woman I have no obligations to.

From your own OP:

Found out today that she's made a comment to partner about not knowing why I'd have done that and seemed to imply it's not my place. My mum thinks I overstepped too.

I'm sorry if it comes across as I don't like her? Not sure what gives that impression other than being deflated by her disappointment and worried she has the wrong idea about how/when my relationship started.

I have no issue with her personally- she seems like a lovely mother who has done a wonderful job raising her two little ones.

As an ex wife, all I can say is she sounds like a miserable, jealous cow.

Id be delighted if a partner of xh did this for me!

Even if the partner was someone your ex left you for when you had very young children?

Beautiful thing to do!
Do not apologise but please get reimbursed by partner for what you laid out!

I think it is and was a lovely gesture. I was a stepmum when married and would have always sent a card over to my stepchilds mum with a gift as my ex worked odd hours and the child loved being able to give her mum something. As someone who has never received a gift from my kids via their 'father' I would have appreciated one from his wife on his behalf had she felt like it. It is a nice gesture for the kids to see giving is as good as getting something.