Should I accept proposal if I've never met his daughters?

[ZanySheep]

We have talked about marriage although bf is still going through his divorce. 3.5 years in, we live together with my kids (they call him step dad) he's met everyone on my side we are very very happy . His ex has said to him I will never be a part of their dd's lives (19&21yrs) still I have never met them because of this . They were living together when we met. They are still married going thru divorce. I have a feeling he will propose when divorce comes through.. my question is should I say yes if I've never met his girls ? I've met his parents , some friends. They live local he sees them every week , gives them money still . He's a brilliant dad . What are everyone's thoughts ?..

This set up is weird in general and i think you'd be crazy to marry him in these circs.

How do you know he is a brilliant dad?
What about your kids /assets if you died randomly and you ar emarried to some other guy eho automatically gets your estate....?

Don’t do it. If he isn’t strong enough to say to two adults “I have found someone really nice and I will be introducing her to you and you will be polite to her”, you will be in for a world of resentment. His ex wife is ruling your relationship with him.

Have a look on the Stepparents sub for examples. You cannot be the elephant in the room and that’s how he is treating you.

I would be very wary of accepting a marriage proposal from him. If indeed he ever does propose.

Oh, I was expecting you to say the kids were six and nine not grown adults. Why does the mother have any say in who they meet?

How can you know that he's a brilliant Dad without having met his children?
They are old enough to decide for themselves without needing their Mums permission.
When you say they lived together when you met, do you mean they were still together??
I don't think it would be right to marry without meeting his children.

Oh, I was expecting you to say the kids were six and nine not grown adults. Why does the mother have any say in who they meet?

Why has it taken over 3 years to get the divorce sorted?

If his ex actually said that, she sounds insane about the control she thinks she should have over who her adult DDs meet.

I think this. You are right to be hesitant op, that’s your instinct talking.

I wouldn't accept a proposal from someone who is still married

She isn't going to. She clearly sits in her op, that she thinks he will propose when the divorce comes through.

However, the whole thing's very odd. He was living with his wife, he's been with the op 3 and 1/2 years... And he's still not divorced?

Basically I was he other woman I guess so she's still bitter

How do you know if he's a brilliant dad if you've never seen him interact with his children?
If he thinks that his daughters wont meet you because their mum is emotionally manipulating them/guilting them to not meet you, then thats emotional abuse and what is he doing about protecting his daughters from that?
If he was a brilliant dad, then why would he be happy to move in with you, knowing this would mean he couldnt have his daughters live with him? Why wouldnt he move into his own place, so his daughters could stay with him?

@ZanySheep i would be very very cautious. The fact his ex is still controlling him with regard to his daughters, he's still not divorced after 3 + years....huge red flags for me

A proposals isn't the important thing - it's getting married that counts in any meaningful way. So I think it would be ok to accept his proposal if you want to but I wouldn't actually tie the knot until I'd met his DC.

Having been the same age as them/in the same circumstances I would say they are still bitter too. I felt my dad’s betrayal extremely strongly and it has taken years to rebuild.

It’s up to you if you marry or not but I wouldn’t expect their acceptance just yet.

He won't propose till divorce comes through we've talked about getting married I really do want to . He left it a year before applying for divorce to let thing settle. As I say I was the other woman for a few weeks until moved out the family home into his parents

The hugest red flag is surely that he’s a cheat!

When you say they were still living together when you met, do you meant that you and your partner had an affair? Did he move straight from his ex’s to living with you?

if that is the case. I understand his ex being bitter, but his children are old enough to decide themselves who they want to meet. Do they actually want to meet you? I don’t understand how the ex could stop them.

But no, I wouldn’t accept a marriage proposal from someone who had a key part of their life closed off to me. But I also wouldn’t be in a long-term relationship where children are involved without the legal protection of marriage without clear unambiguous and watertight wills were in place to protect assets and inheritances.

He sees them every week and is there at a drop of a hat if they need him for anything

Did you have an affair with him whilst he was still in a relationship with her? If so, his daughters are unlikely to forgive you.

There's so many red flags here. You've moved him in to your children's lives whilst seemingly knowing very little about one whole aspect of his life. How do you know he sees them, gives them money etc, if he's a great dad? It could all be lies.

@MonsteraDeliciosa oops forgot that one.... 🙄

This has alarm bells all over it

My thoughts are…..what did you think would happen? You were the OW, they have obviously witnessed their mother’s devastation. Did you expect them to welcome you?

This sounds like a shit show that I would not be getting involved in.

He's still paying the mortgage and wouldn't have been able to afford to rent also