Should I accept proposal if I've never met his daughters?

[ZanySheep]

We have talked about marriage although bf is still going through his divorce. 3.5 years in, we live together with my kids (they call him step dad) he's met everyone on my side we are very very happy . His ex has said to him I will never be a part of their dd's lives (19&21yrs) still I have never met them because of this . They were living together when we met. They are still married going thru divorce. I have a feeling he will propose when divorce comes through.. my question is should I say yes if I've never met his girls ? I've met his parents , some friends. They live local he sees them every week , gives them money still . He's a brilliant dad . What are everyone's thoughts ?..

I was 19 when my dad left for another woman. It took years to get over the resentment and hurt. My sister hasnt seen my dad in over 40 years.

Poor cheating little man didn’t even have a sofa to ready his weary head - no wonder he was keen to move in with his OW.

What an absolute shitshow. The OPs poor kids too young to have a say in any of this but these young adults have their own minds and decided where their loyalties lie

You have a joint bank account with someone who’s married to someone else? You do know that’s a marital asset?

You are very brave posting here, anyone admitting affairs on this board usually get annihilated!

Im not judging anyone, but I would say ‘don’t get married again’ as when it goes wrong it’s such a mess. Don’t do it. There is no benefit to you getting married.

Look after yourself and your children’s assets.

I would have zero interest in meeting a woman my dad cheated on my mum with, except to give her a hard time. It's called loyalty.

You seem remorseless about the role you played in what will have likely been devastating for them at their young ages, and unwilling to acknowledge your DPs impact on them also, so you may as well crack on with the engagement and marriage if it's offered.

It doesn't matter if a marriage is in the shitter. Adultery takes it to a next level of hurt. Many marital issues are beyond the comprehension of children and even young, inexperienced adults, but everyone understands cheating is a betrayal. So just leave those girls in peace. Why do you need to meet them?

You’re obviously going to marry him if he asks anyway as you’re firmly entrenched in your delusion. His daughters quite rightly want nothing to do with you and probably never will. You have no right to be place the blame for this anywhere other than with him and you. You have made this bed and now have to lie in it. I’m not sure what you were expecting from this thread?

Your first sentence, OP, told me all I need to know.

He's going through a divorce and isn't emotionally balanced yet.

Find a stable man without 'baggage.'

Yikes ! 😮

I don’t think OP is thinking rationally at all 😬😬

This!! Your lies are showing OP!

He’s a cheat and you sound like the desperate bit on the side.

At the very least, seek some legal advice OP!!

I was the daughter in a similar scenario and although I knew my parents weren’t happily married - our lives were turned upside down when my Dad had an affair.

It’s been nearly 30yrs and although I’ve forgiven my Dad and rebuilt a relationship with him I have never forgotten how that felt when I was 16/17. I still got great results, went on to do well etc but the stress it caused doesn’t go away. I don’t think I’ve fully trusted anyone since - it made me realise the person I trusted most in the whole world couldn’t be so I couldn’t rely on my judgement anymore.

I never had anything to do with OW - I think I met her 2/3 times over 15 years, didn’t even want to hear about her. Whether I was a grown adult or not, and even 15 years later I was delighted they were no longer together so I could more easily see Dad on his own.

I think you a completely wrong to think this is coming from their mother although I doubt she’ll be helping.

Good fathers don’t shag around and cheat on the mother of their children. If he was a good father but was unhappy in the marriage, he would have separated from his wife and made sure his children felt secure before starting another relationship.

This is a man with low morals, he shagged around behind his wife’s back which always negatively impacts the children. He’s selfish. Marriage vows also mean nothing to him.

What could possibly go wrong?

Seriously OP, do you not want better? A man who doesn’t cheat, who is actually a good father, has good morals, cares about how his behaviour impacts others etc?

Bitter is not a nice descriptor. Betrayed or hurt might be better.

Do they definitely know about you? I mean they might know about the affair but do they know you are currently in a relationship and living together? Don’t just take his word for it.

It is up to them whether they meet you and i’d respect their wishes but I’d be suspicious about what they know. Even with respecting their wishes, this will put a strain on your relationship. They will always always come first for him (as they should, but not to your detriment. And most men in this situation with added guilt carry on treating the daughters like they are still at the age they were when they split up, not adults).

I had a family member seeing a divorced man for about 5 years (about 10 years after his divorce, which had followed his affair with someone else). He would not tell his adult daughter about his new relationship. She was approaching 30. Anyway he was a bastard and he was cheating with someone else who did meet the family.

How do you know he’s a brilliant dad if you’ve never met his children? You are not seeing the full picture. I would go in with caution.

Also delayed until maintenance doesn't have to be paid and the children still housed.
I'd put money on his ex being fucked over.

The girls are now adults and can choose whether to meet you.

I doubt that their mum is controlling the narrative, who would actually want to meet their dad's affair partner.
Marry him if you want but his relationship with you vs his DD's will likely remain separate.

He did not sleep on the floor for a year. 😂

I’m sure part of the reason you haven’t met his DDs is because of him, he’s got some skeletons he wants to keep in the cupboard.

I have nothing to do with my father’s almost ex-wife, previous ‘step mother’, she had an affair with my father when I was in primary school. (Surprisingly it lasted 20 years before he left for another woman!). My mother did tell me why he left and I refused to have anything to do with her. That’s likely the other part of the reason - they think you’re vermin / scum.

Definitely both above, maybe other reasons too. If he sees them regularly, both him and DCs are working hard to make sure you don’t meet.

I don’t think either of you cared too much about what his DDs would think about the affair… you didn’t meet before he moved in, so why stop there? Just get married. Although I’m wondering how quickly you let someone with dubious moral character move in with your children!!

So did he move straight into yours from his family home?

How long were you having an affair before he officially ended things with his wife?

And how long after that was it until you moved him into your home?

You will always be ‘the other woman’ I’m afraid.
There are 2 possibilities here. 1- you didn’t know he was married when you started seeing him, and only found out later. 2- you knew he was married but still went along with having a relationship with him. If it’s possibility 1, why do you want to marry such a sneaky, lying man? If possibility w, the same still stands.
Either way, he is an arse for having an affair particularly as his DDs would have only been 15 and 17 and possibly in the middle of GCSEs and A levels.

How old are your DC?

And he’s a high earner but couldn’t afford to rent somewhere - it’s not quite adding up is it?

I think you have been taken for a fool. I wonder if he was still in a relationship with his wife when you met him, he wanted out but needed somewhere to go, you became the other woman without realising it.
These days divorce is non blame, either party can apply and the other one can't block it and they do not take 3 and a half years.
You need to demand clarity or he moves out. do not marry him. You have to think about what would happen if you died tomorrow, would he look after your children or would he walk away with whatever money and property you left behind?