Not invited to friend’s wedding dilemma

[ScullyD]

I was part of a friend group at uni 15 years ago and from that group I remain closest to my friend Emma. In particular me, Emma and Fraser were close for years and took trips together. Sometimes me and Fraser, or just me and Emma, or all 3 of us. Then when he got a gilfriend he seemed to drop us and it was very hurtful. I missed him.

i remember meeting the new gf twice and each time she looked me up and down quite nastily which I took to be feeling threatened of the platonic friendship. 5 years later he suddenly reappeared making an effort with Emma and I went for lunch with them. But crucially he has never kept in touch with as he used to and according to Emma she’s only invited to the wedding because she’s managed to befriend his girlfriend.

long and short of it - Emma lives out of town and I live next to the venue. Therefore Emma wants to stay with me while she attends the wedding. But I think I’ll find this upsetting and difficult although it’s not Emma’s fault. AIBU to expect her to make alternative accommodation?

she said she might angle at if a guest can come but even still the fact they haven’t invited me still stands.

It’s not really that you haven’t been invited to your friends wedding. He’s your former friend of 15 years ago.

You're friends with Emma, why would you want her paying for a hotel cos you're not invited? Let her stay, tell her you don't need all the details just the scandal and get on with a life that doesn't include Fraser. You're not friends anymore, just let it go and don't punish Emma

There must be more to this. Inviting one without the other doesn’t make sense.

Oh and you should let Emma stay.

If you’d enjoy spending time with Emma I’d let her stay. You can say you don’t want all the details of the wedding but I think it’s a tad petty to refuse her staying because you’re annoyed at someone else.

@TheTattooedLady hes only a former friend because he dropped me when he got a girlfriend then suddenly resumed talking to Emma but not me.

surely people must see how hurtful this is

Sounds like the fiancé isn’t a fan of OP while Emma has befriended her.

And? He’s still your former friend.

Yes, it probably was hurtful but don’t you think it’s time to move on? Everyone else has.

But OP goes way back with Fraser so that should count for something, unless something has happened OP hasn’t said.

@ScullyD yes, it’s very hurtful to be left out.

@4wardlooking thank you.

I also lived abroad for a few years and Fraser regularly came to visit me. So yes for me to not be invited to this hurts a lot.

I should say I’d probably just say well f*ck him but my friend staying with me to attend is different.

and again - the fact they know she will stay with me to attend their wedding says something not very palatable about them imo

Could Emma ask Fraser why he hasn’t invited you?

Well if someone like the op came up with some back story over a look i wouldn't invite them to my wedding

There is no dilemma you are not involved so do the mature grown up thing and move on you are not back at secondary school

Don't be a door mat no one needs to stay with you

Sorry OP but I think this is reading a bit too much in to it. You wouldn't normally invite someone you've lost touch with just because they live near the venue. Not would you not invite someone because they might ask to stay with someone who you have lost touch with.

Refusing to let Emma stay will get back to them and make your reaction look extremely unpalatable. And you’d be punishing her for their decision.

Why would you want to be friends with somebody who doesn’t want to be friends with you? I would allow Emma to stay with you, rise above it and move on.

Hes barely an acquaintance at this point? He’s not your friend?

Eh?

@PollyBell look the fact is most of us women at some point have had that horrible up and down look that feels intended to give us a dressing down. She did it to me unmistakably both the first and second time we met. I was nothing but polite and friendly.

people seem to think I should get over it because what, time passed? We were close friends and he just cut me off.

You say that, but with Emma staying with her she’s kind-of-dragged into it whether she likes it or not.

Emma’s her friend so she should let her stay, but it’ll be rubbing salt into the wound until the whole event is over!

Could she possibly think Fraser was in-love with you?

This is it. If she wasn’t staying with me, I would be sad then move on.

Emma staying with me for this totally changes things. I don’t want to have to deal with first her getting dressed up, then off out to the wedding, back with the stories, etc. I just don’t. Rubs my face in it.

@4wardlooking it’s possible but remember he cut off Emma at the same time. So it seemed he wasn’t to have female friends. Took quite a while for this to change and even now I think it very telling that Emma mostly makes arrangements through this girlfriend to even see him.

it’d a gatekept friendship on his fiancée’s terms.

I don’t agree - she isn’t “dragged into it” whatsoever. The bride and groom don’t care where Emma stays!

Seems bonkers that Emma would want/expect to stay at yours, when she’s going to a wedding she knows you’d like to be invited to but haven’t been.

surely you will be doing something else that weekend - given you have no wedding plans - so can’t have guests?