Not invited to friend’s wedding dilemma

[ScullyD]

I was part of a friend group at uni 15 years ago and from that group I remain closest to my friend Emma. In particular me, Emma and Fraser were close for years and took trips together. Sometimes me and Fraser, or just me and Emma, or all 3 of us. Then when he got a gilfriend he seemed to drop us and it was very hurtful. I missed him.

i remember meeting the new gf twice and each time she looked me up and down quite nastily which I took to be feeling threatened of the platonic friendship. 5 years later he suddenly reappeared making an effort with Emma and I went for lunch with them. But crucially he has never kept in touch with as he used to and according to Emma she’s only invited to the wedding because she’s managed to befriend his girlfriend.

long and short of it - Emma lives out of town and I live next to the venue. Therefore Emma wants to stay with me while she attends the wedding. But I think I’ll find this upsetting and difficult although it’s not Emma’s fault. AIBU to expect her to make alternative accommodation?

she said she might angle at if a guest can come but even still the fact they haven’t invited me still stands.

But they know fine well she will stay with me like she always does. So.

By staying, Emma is dragging her friend into it.

It’s strange that so often in threads like this, and in real life, a woman is always blamed for the actions of her partner. Whether or not the OP’s former friend was reasonable in cutting her off, he is the one who did it, not his partner

Emma made an effort and you didn’t. Now you want to punish Emma? You are not friends with Fraser anymore. Seriously you need to move on!

@TheTattooedLady oh I agree 100% he’s to blame. I’m just saying she was hostile towards me from the start. From the moment of saying hello and meeting.

I know! Life really is too short to get so hung up on a situation like this.

She made an effort to befriend the fiancée in the last few years as a last ditch effort not to lose Fraser completely. She added her on instagram and stated talking to her and eased her way back in.

I don’t know what you’re suggesting I do here. Why should I have to go through this woman to reach him? My friendship was with him.

They still won’t care!

@Lemonfrost im not friends with him anymore because he dropped the friendship. There is a big difference between this and a mutual fade out, which would mean I’d be fine with this and Emma’s trip

how can you not see this?

I’m suggesting you do nothing and move on (apart from letting Emma stay of course). You’ve not been friends for years. It’s over. You are weirdly hung up on this.

It’s just incredibly petty. Take it up with Fraser if you’re hurt he dropped you. But it’s nothing to do with Emma, whom you say you’re still close to. Or are you punishing Emma for making different decisions to you?

I do see it, but I really think you need to let this go and move on. You can’t change it, nobody else is stressing about it and all you are doing is winding yourself up.

One of my good uni friends (male) got married a couple of years out of uni. I was the only one not invited from our group of friends. It really upset me at the time. I was the only female in the group so I suspect that was the reason. We are still friendly now but life has moved on and meeting up is rare.
It doesn't bother me now but I do understand why you feel irritated by the situation.. however, I do think that friendship between opposite sex can result in this sort of thing especially when they meet a romantic interest.
Not everyone understands this type of friendship.

But why would they care where Emma stays? They’ll likely have over 60-70 guests. I couldn’t tell you where most of mine stayed. It sounds like Emma has stayed friends with them and you haven’t. I’d let my friend stay and get all the gossip.

OP you really need to move on..

I would let Emma stay, and focus on the fact that she befriended the girlfriend, you didn’t and that’s the reason you’re excluded. Fraser has been a wet fish but there we go. Maybe she thought he was interested in you but wasn’t threatened by Emma.

Either way I would welcome Emma back after the wedding and share some late night tea and gossip about it all.

Thank you. Of course I don’t know what he was saying about me at the time, maybe she got the impression he had a crush and wanted to nip it in the bud. I don’t know.

Out of our group of friends I also seem to be the only one not invited apart from our friend who died. That whole experience made us all a lot closer I think. It’s just hurtful. I don’t want Emma to stay with me for this but don’t want to ‘punish’ her. I think it would be more about putting my feelings first than punishment.

It's not palatable to you. You're just not in their circle of friends. Where your mutual friend stays is not their responsibility. It's their wedding their invitees.
Move on without being bitter.

But I understand what people are saying and may need to rise above this for Emma’s sake. Doesn’t stop it hurting.

He hasn't invited her because they are not friends! They haven't spoken in years. At least a decade from the sound of it.

OP - Emma made an effort to become friends with him again, you didn't. So you can't expect to be treated the same as her. He hasn't been your friend for years, you're making too much of this. Everyone else has moved on, you should too.

Emma wanting to stay with you is probably her way of including you in a way.

It’s fine to not be invited - you aren’t friends anymore. There’s heaps of people I used to be friends with who didn’t make my guest list because weddings are expensive and there’s people I’d rather prioritise.
It’s fine for Emma to ask to stay - in my friendship group, it’s normal to host friends if they’re in the area, for whatever reason. I think you risk making this a bigger deal by saying no to Emma with no reason (other than a petty, hurt feelings from years ago).

I think your choice is to suck it up and host Emma, or arrange a weekend away ASAP so you have a legitimate reason to be out of town and not host Emma.

I would be away that weekend and apologise to Emma that it would be difficult for her to stay.

Yes it's upsetting. When people treat us badly, it always is.

@ScullyD this is actually a good idea if you could make it work.

I should say last year he came into my house to collect Emma and as he did he said ‘how have you been?’ And I said ‘seriously? It’s been 5 years’. He had the tail between his legs look.

then we all had lunch like old times and it was great. Like no time passed. He said he’d like to hang out more and then he disappeared again.