Not invited to friend’s wedding dilemma

[ScullyD]

I was part of a friend group at uni 15 years ago and from that group I remain closest to my friend Emma. In particular me, Emma and Fraser were close for years and took trips together. Sometimes me and Fraser, or just me and Emma, or all 3 of us. Then when he got a gilfriend he seemed to drop us and it was very hurtful. I missed him.

i remember meeting the new gf twice and each time she looked me up and down quite nastily which I took to be feeling threatened of the platonic friendship. 5 years later he suddenly reappeared making an effort with Emma and I went for lunch with them. But crucially he has never kept in touch with as he used to and according to Emma she’s only invited to the wedding because she’s managed to befriend his girlfriend.

long and short of it - Emma lives out of town and I live next to the venue. Therefore Emma wants to stay with me while she attends the wedding. But I think I’ll find this upsetting and difficult although it’s not Emma’s fault. AIBU to expect her to make alternative accommodation?

she said she might angle at if a guest can come but even still the fact they haven’t invited me still stands.

Emma needs to give her head a wobble then!

That was a bit of a snippy reply from you.

i think you need to decide what outcome you want op.
If you want to get back to being friends with Fraser then by refusing Emma to stay at yours whilst she attends the wedding may not allow that outcome. If his wife really doesn’t like you, I can’t see that changing by doing that, it will probably reinforce her opinion of you.
If you don’t want to rekindle the friendship and possibly end your friendship with Emma then by all means tell her she can’t stay at yours

Well no wonder. I’d been through a lot in that time and he wasn’t around for any of it.

he dropped the friendship and I’m meant to be fine with that easy breezy question as though I saw him just last week. Sorry I forgot women are meant to not be ‘snippy’ and sweet and open to men’s bs.

So, you hadn’t seen him for five years, he came to your house to collect Emma, asked you how you were, you were snippy in response and were surprised he didn’t look delighted? Then you had lunch and never saw him again. Surely it wasn’t a surprise you weren’t invited to the wedding when you’d drifted so much?

Nobody else is stressing or getting upset about it because it isn’t happening to them!

@ScullyD I think you’re being rage-baited on here. Or they simply have never been unlucky enough to have been hurt by friends before.

If you seriously think that’s what I meant you should probably reread my post.

Well it was said it with a joking tone like you can’t be serious and we went on to have a nice lunch.

but I don’t know why people think I’m supposed to be fine with being dropped. People are putting it all on me to repair this friendship and to put up Emma and to be the reasonable one. I have feelings here.

It appears she didn't take to you but has become friendly with Emma, and Fraser seems to have cut you off because his fiancée doesn't like you. I can see that it might be hurtful.

However I don't think that's Emma's fault and it would be kind to extend hospitality to her if you live near the venue. However if you really don't want to under the circumstances you need to be honest with her.

Everyone has been hurt by a friend at some point. They just don’t think it’s worth punishing a mutual friend who hasn’t been dropped by that friend for something that’s not her fault.

Yanbu. I'd even go as far to say Emma is being insensitive if she knows how you feel about being dropped by Fraser.

@ilovesooty its not that simple. Emma was already living far away when they met. So she never had a chance to not ‘take’ to her. At the time Emma thought he’d been told to drop his female friends and was upset about it.

it took years for this to change as mentioned up thread and only was possible because Emma has buttered the fiancé up and includes her in all meet ups with him. She’s been honest about that.

Nobody is saying it’s up to you to repair the relationship. People are saying the exact opposite. You haven’t been friends for many years so let it go.

People saying OP is “punishing” Emma are being ridiculous. Literally all that’s happening is that a grown woman might have to book a hotel to attend a wedding. Goodness knows how many people do this a year. What would Emma do if the wedding was on the other side of the country - or indeed anywhere she didn’t have a friend close by?

Emma must be as thick as cement pudding to not get that asking OP for a bed for the night after the wedding would upset her. She can pay for her own bloody hotel.

So if OP should let it go, why should she facilitate people attending Fraser’s wedding?

Why don’t you ask Fraser what’s going on?

YABU: let Emma stay. She your friend - unless you want to lose another one.

Why do you keep saying “punishing”?

OP doesn’t want to punish her friend by not letting her stay, but neither does she want to punish herself to feel more dreadful about the situation if she does let her stay.

OP would rather not be in this situation at all and be invited to her ‘old’ friend’s wedding. They were very close, she was dropped, it was very hurtful for her and now she has to re-live this.

That being said I agree that Emma is a bit thick to ask in the first place- bit is it worth losing her friendship over this? @ScullyD

There is absolutely no way I would lose Emma’s friendship over this. Just a mental suggestion. She knows I’m hurt about this.

Would you really drop a friend because they couldn’t put you up for the night?

@ScullyD she really shouldn’t have asked to stay at yours on this occasion.

Yep, Emma’s not being very considerate of OP’s feelings.

If that's what's happened perhaps it's rather insensitive of Emma to ask to stay with you. You have the choice of telling her that I suppose. Fraser has behaved pretty spinelessly though and I'm not really surprised if you're hurt by both of them.

Op are you getting therapy your thinking is not normal and no I cant say I have read anything into the way other people look at me without communicating with people like an adult