Not invited to friend’s wedding dilemma

[ScullyD]

I was part of a friend group at uni 15 years ago and from that group I remain closest to my friend Emma. In particular me, Emma and Fraser were close for years and took trips together. Sometimes me and Fraser, or just me and Emma, or all 3 of us. Then when he got a gilfriend he seemed to drop us and it was very hurtful. I missed him.

i remember meeting the new gf twice and each time she looked me up and down quite nastily which I took to be feeling threatened of the platonic friendship. 5 years later he suddenly reappeared making an effort with Emma and I went for lunch with them. But crucially he has never kept in touch with as he used to and according to Emma she’s only invited to the wedding because she’s managed to befriend his girlfriend.

long and short of it - Emma lives out of town and I live next to the venue. Therefore Emma wants to stay with me while she attends the wedding. But I think I’ll find this upsetting and difficult although it’s not Emma’s fault. AIBU to expect her to make alternative accommodation?

she said she might angle at if a guest can come but even still the fact they haven’t invited me still stands.

I would be honest. Say it is hurtful and you have decided to go step back from the situation and go away. Hope she understands etc.. You aren't a hotel. It is a cheek expecting you to host when you aren't invited.

But if the OP held a special place in Fraser's heart, why would they have fallen so totally out of contact?

I think the new gf thought Fraser loves her.

But we only have the OP's view that on the occasions when she met his new girlfriend that she 'looked her up and down' unpleasantly, which the OP interpreted as meaning she was threatened by her. Now I assume the girlfriend (even if we go with this narrative which makes Fraser a total wet lettuce) can't possibly have thought Fraser was in love with both the OP and Emma, yet he dumped Emma as well as the OP, only making contact again with Emma after five years. Emma has told the OP that this is only because she befriended Fraser's girlfriend/fiancée, but again, there's no evidence this is the case. It could just be Emma trying to be kind and not upset the OP that she's maintained a relationship with Fraser and the OP hasn't.

This is all pure supposition. We don't know, really, why the OP's and Fraser's friendship ended and why his with Emma didn't.

If it's purely down to the girlfriend's attitude to them, it makes Fraser a terrible drip with no agency of his own. I don't think I'd be upsetting myself unduly at losing the friendship of someone like that.

NRTFT

Can you just arrange to be away, visiting other friends elsewhere, or have other guests staying so there is no space? That way, you can not alienate Emma.

Totally undertake your frustration. Do what makes you feel best. Whilst trying not to ruin your friendship with Emma.

NRTFT

Can you just arrange to be away, visiting other friends elsewhere, or have other guests staying so there is no space? That way, you can not alienate Emma.

Totally undertake your frustration. Do what makes you feel best. Whilst trying not to ruin your friendship with Emma.

Don't answer then it's pure laziness

Its not at all weird to go over in the evening if you live next to the venue. Many people (including plus ones) turn up at the disco and are not close friends of both bride and groom. The place could be packed. OP could say that they live next door and just popped over to wish them good luck on their special day.

I still think it's weird and rude to go to an event which you know you haven't been invited to. You think it's normal behaviour. Opinions evidently differ.

Yeah you can’t front up to an invite only event and gate crash it’s, that’s not ok.

Oh it’s weird @Friendlygingercat
and says a great deal about you that you think it would be completely reasonable thing to do

Good answer though

It’s so, SO weird.

This once happened to me many years ago. I turned up with two colleagues (who had no idea I was not invited). Of course the hostess could not say anything in front of the other guests and I enjoyed that I made it awkward for her. I even proposed a toast thanking her for her hospitality

@Friendlygingercat on another thread 😮

Wow

So no, I don't believe that OP has moved on in the last 15 years. Because if she had, she wouldn't still expect to be invited to a wedding where she doesn't like the bride and doesn't speak with the groom. On what basis was she expecting an invitation??

The OP being disappointed that she hasn’t been invited - probably because it makes it clear once and for all that the friendship is over - is very different to actually expecting an invitation.

Years ago I wasn't invited to a wedding of someone I considered a friend. In hindsight I realised I was given a message. We are not close. Hard pill to swallow. Friendship never recovered.

I was in a similar situation. Big group of friends - male and female - we were all like siblings. Knew each other since school days. Moved to the city together, some of us were flatmates, etc.

When we all stated hitting 30, everyone stated settling down with ‘outsiders’ (by which I mean, no one in the friendship group ever had anything romantic between them). My friend ‘Dave’ got together with a woman and after about six months, when it was obvious they were getting serious about each other, she basically told him he had to cut ties with me completely. Which he did. It was incredibly painful. More so because of the fact that I seemed to be the only female in the friendship group that she had an issue with. I’ve no idea why she took a dislike to me in particular. No explanation has ever been offered by anyone.

A few years passed and everyone else stayed in touch with Dave while I remained excommunicated. It was gutting at the time but thought I’d moved past it. Then when he got engaged, all the others got invited to the engagement party and subsequently the wedding, etc, and it was really difficult for me all over again. I missed my good friend. It was like grieving someone who was still alive.

To be fair, Dave did at least have the decency to email me and apologise. For all the difference it made.

But I can only imagine how much more painful it would’ve been if my friends had asked to stay with me in order to go to his wedding!

I get that it’s not really Emma’s fault, but she is being massively tactless by asking to stay with you. Maybe you could let her stay just so as not to look like you’re sucking on sour grapes. But I don’t see anything wrong with bowing out of the whole situation gracefully and going somewhere else for the entire weekend. As long as you trust Emma alone in your house (which I assume you do?).

I was going to ask you if you were attractive but couldn't think of a diplomatic way of asking. Now it makes sense. The fiancé took one look at you and disliked you immediately because she felt jealous and insecure. Not your fault OP.

I knew it would be something to do with this.

In my case, my nickname in the group was ‘supermodel’. I’d never done modelling but I got scouted by an Elite agency scout outside Topshop in Oxford St when I was 19 and they never let me live it down.

This is pure supposition. There could be any number of reasons the girlfriend gave the OP odd looks. Fraser could have told her negative things that clouded her view of the OP. Maybe he wanted to extract himself from the friendship even at that stage, no influence from the girlfriend needed.

He was a friend. He isn't a friend now
He dropped you when he got a gf
He wasn't there for you when you had stuff going on.
Why on earth would you want to go to the wedding? What would you gain?

I think Emma’s actually the one in the wrong here! She should book a hotel and not rub it in your face.

I’d feel hurt in your shoes, but actually with Emma.

It's not so much being offended, it's about being sad and having it rubbed in her face. OP is trying to move on and doesn't want the situation rubbed in her face.

You clearly know me better than I do my very self. Thank you for your highly considered opinion.