Not invited to friend’s wedding dilemma

[ScullyD]

I was part of a friend group at uni 15 years ago and from that group I remain closest to my friend Emma. In particular me, Emma and Fraser were close for years and took trips together. Sometimes me and Fraser, or just me and Emma, or all 3 of us. Then when he got a gilfriend he seemed to drop us and it was very hurtful. I missed him.

i remember meeting the new gf twice and each time she looked me up and down quite nastily which I took to be feeling threatened of the platonic friendship. 5 years later he suddenly reappeared making an effort with Emma and I went for lunch with them. But crucially he has never kept in touch with as he used to and according to Emma she’s only invited to the wedding because she’s managed to befriend his girlfriend.

long and short of it - Emma lives out of town and I live next to the venue. Therefore Emma wants to stay with me while she attends the wedding. But I think I’ll find this upsetting and difficult although it’s not Emma’s fault. AIBU to expect her to make alternative accommodation?

she said she might angle at if a guest can come but even still the fact they haven’t invited me still stands.

But they’re friends with Emma! It’s not Emma’s fault they don’t like OP, quite frankly, if she’s this sulky and snippy in real life, I can see why!

If I was Emma I would have found somewhere else to stay. It wouldn't matter to me that staying at your house would presumably be free and more convenient in terms of distance. I would have enough emotional intelligence to know that it would already be upsetting to you not to be invited and wouldn't look to upset you further or play a part in it. Has she actually asked or suggested to stay with you?

If you are still hurting then have the gumption to say that you would rather she didn't on this occasion as for you it just highlights you aren't welcome and is upsetting for you. Be prepared that this may affect your friendship with Emma. The other option is to rise above it, make plans and busy yourself for the day, allow Emma to stay. Then in the evening or the next day you either talk about the wedding or you don't.

Emma obviously has a different connection with Fraser and his gf which has survived the relationship. It’s hurtful but life goes on.
If it’s upsetting for you to have Rmma there I wouldn’t get into it with any of them because it sounds like you are overly invested. Book yourself a nice spa stay or similar to treat yourself and take your mind off things- tell Emma that unfortunately you are away and can’t accommodate her

Can you say to Emma you love her dearly, however, it is too painful to have her stay? That you’d find it too upsetting that she’s going to Frasier’s wedding when you are not. So to please find somewhere else and you’ll catch up another time.

He is marrying this woman you have thought so poorly of, and hasn’t been a friend for years. Yes, you once had a good friendship but that is nothing in comparison to what he and his fiancée have experienced together and built. Of course your feelings don’t feature in their wedding plans - like why would they care or even consider that Emma may stay with you before the wedding??

Emma either cared enough for the friendship to make an effort with his fiancée (or just likes her, maybe they bumped into each other and got on etc) and I think it’s very likely they actually get on well, that’s why she makes plans through her rather than Frasier. But can’t tell you as she knows it would hurt your feelings. It could be that the fiancée just didn't like your personality rather than trying to control him OR he found his fiancée met all his female friendship needs and didn’t need it from you anymore. It’s very common sadly with women who lose interest in friendships generally once they meet a woman who meets their emotional needs.

It’s telling that you’re still quite bitter and haven’t moved on like everyone else. Did you maybe have feelings for Frasier or maybe the friendship was a much bigger part of your life than it was for him? Do you have a partner or close friend who provides what you once had from Fraser? It’s upto you if you don’t want to host Emma as will find it too upsetting and she can stay at a hotel. Be honest with her as to why. It shouldn’t be a big deal for her to stay elsewhere tbh.

Honestly, what a fuss. Fraser might not have behaved well but it has been years. Move on!

I'd understand not being invited to a close friend's wedding but this is the wedding of a groom you haven't seen for years and a bride you don't know. Not all uni friendships last a lifetime. Would you invite the bride and groom to your wedding?

I can see why you’re upset. It’s odd that your friend has forged a false friendship with his gf just the remain Fraser’s friend. Does she suspect the gf is controlling or abusive? If not, I’m afraid I’d leave Fraser high and dry if he couldn’t be bothered to maintain a friendship without me brown nosing his girlfriend.

Your friend has been unkind asking to stay in these circumstances. She would have to be socially mute to think this situation would not anger or sting you. Hurting your feelings for the cost of the room rate at the wedding venue? On your bike!

Dropped by one friend and used by the other, I would be thinking this long term friendship trio is dead in the water.

You sound angry and petty, and taking it out on Emma could cost you another friend. Is he worth it?

While you not being invited to a former friend’s wedding seems absolutely fine as you’re no longer friends, the issue is Emma asking to stay at yours.
It’s not her fault you weren’t invited but I think she’s being incredibly insensitive by asking and I understand why this part of it is upsetting. She knows you’ll be there while she gets ready and then comes back with tales about the event.
To me, she shouldn’t have asked as it’s clear she’s creating an awkward situation.
I think that I’d not outright tell her no but I might have something else on that meant it wasn’t possible…

Exactly. It’s insensitive of Emma to have even asked to stay under these circumstances.

Emma befriended his girlfriend, why didn't you?

He isn't obliged to be friends with you if he doesn't want to, no matter how much you'd like it.

But Emma should know how much of a sore point it is for you and not have asked to stay. It's rude. Does she get a kick out of him remaining friends with her but dropping you? It seems very insensitive of her to rub it in by asking to stay.

Please don't let her ask if she can bring you to the wedding for a drink or something. It's embarrassing.

The way that Fraser has dumped you is horrible. It's most likely because his wife to be has taken a dislike to you.

Whatever the reason he's dumped you as a friend, it shows he's not a good friend and that his "good friendship" never was that good

You can't continue to be hurt forever. Get some counselling to help you process it. My take would be that its a good thing to find out that he's a shit. Knowledge is power. Have nothing more to do with him

Re the wedding. I think you have to let Emma stay. Its mean not to. If it'll be too painful for you (because you haven't had time to get your head right) then I'd go away for the day of the wedding. Do something nice for you

But you’re punishing Emma for this? He’s been a rubbish friend but has she?

I wonder if it’s because you have unresolved (and unrequited) feelings for Fraser?

Friendships do dissolve and if a friend has a jealous or insecure partner, sadly, that is a reason for a friendship waning. It’s Fraser rather than Emma who’s the problem here.

Have you had a crush on Fraser? Your investment in this is way over the top!

Let Emma stay, but no-one should be angling to bring you as a guest. You haven't been invited! Neither of you have the right to change that.

People move on with their lives. They become adults and don’t always maintain friendships they had at school or uni- other people and life events become more important. Sounds like you wish to go back in time. Have you moved on with your life? Got new friends/ relationships? Would you really expect to celebrate the wedding of someone you haven’t been involved with for years to someone you don’t really know? Send them a nice card and wish them well. Let Emma stay and chat about old times and think about how you’ve both moved on.

it would appear that Fraser’s girlfriend either didn’t like you or felt threatened by you, the bottom line is you’re not invited and it’s hard to imagine you’re ever going to be welcome into their lives at this stage.
I would tell Emma that you are struggling with being excluded from the wedding. And that part of you would prefer if she didn’t stay with you but you know that would be petty and unkind of you so she is welcome to stay but you don’t want all the details or to have to sit through tons of photos.

There seems to be two options to choose.

You refuse to let your friend stat which in turn will probably damage that relationship.
Or
" Sorry I have plans that weekend"

Or, you could phrase that as, Emma made an effort to get to know the important person in his life, and as such is now invited. You didn't. You see so many posts on here where only people important to both people in a wedding are to be invited, and it is deemed fair enough.

Your feelings are valid, but you may do yourself more harm than food in the long run if you make a stubborn point against Emma.

She decided he was important enough to swallow whatever distaste she had for the new girlfriend and as such is still part of their lives. You didn't, and so you're not.

I don't mean to be mean but you're way too invested in this drama and sound very young (but I'm assuming you're still early 30s) and also that you don't have anything else in life to distract you so you over-invest in this friendship.

I'm struggling to see the timeline of how long you were actually friends and when he dropped you but it doesn't seem to be that longterm a friendship and you seem a bit hysterical

I understand it was hurtful but it's been at long time and you need to move on. You're acting like you were in love with Fraser.

I personally would use the wedding weekend as a nice chance to see Emma but if its going to hurt then by all means ask her to get a hotel but promise yourself you'll work on letting go. Find other friends and move on.

Friends are sometimes for a season. You can't keep everyone as a friend for life. I had intense friendships in my early and even later 20s that I'm not friends with now. I has some good friends from my children's early years who saw me through the hard times of my dc early childhood. I lost touch. I even have friendships that ended badly where I was dropped. It happens. Deal with it at the time and then don't give the experience the power to hurt you when you are older. Use the experience to develop resilience.

I wish you luck in this. I'm sorry if I sound harsh.

It may be coming from a good place. Emma knows OP is feeling abandoned. Maybe this is her way of saying, "Look, I still care about you and want to spend time with you."

If I were OP, I would have felt worse if Emma had gone off to a hotel for the whole weekend, to live it up with Fraser & co - it would have felt like a double rejection.

Yes, it’s hurtful but I wouldn’t allow his actions to destroy my friendship with Emma because then you’ll have lost two friends. My answer to Emma would be that of course she can stay but if she is a friend you should also be able to say that you are bewildered and hurt by the loss of your friendship with Fraser, so would she mind not going into any huge detail about the event afterwards?