Not invited to friend’s wedding dilemma

[ScullyD]

I was part of a friend group at uni 15 years ago and from that group I remain closest to my friend Emma. In particular me, Emma and Fraser were close for years and took trips together. Sometimes me and Fraser, or just me and Emma, or all 3 of us. Then when he got a gilfriend he seemed to drop us and it was very hurtful. I missed him.

i remember meeting the new gf twice and each time she looked me up and down quite nastily which I took to be feeling threatened of the platonic friendship. 5 years later he suddenly reappeared making an effort with Emma and I went for lunch with them. But crucially he has never kept in touch with as he used to and according to Emma she’s only invited to the wedding because she’s managed to befriend his girlfriend.

long and short of it - Emma lives out of town and I live next to the venue. Therefore Emma wants to stay with me while she attends the wedding. But I think I’ll find this upsetting and difficult although it’s not Emma’s fault. AIBU to expect her to make alternative accommodation?

she said she might angle at if a guest can come but even still the fact they haven’t invited me still stands.

Is this the friendship group you have started threads about in the past?

Have you thought about asking Fraser why you’re not invited? I think I would if it bothered me that much.
I’m taking a wild guess that there is a difference in the relationship that you and Fraser have compared to the one he has with Emma.

The way you reacted is a bit ott. Have you not had other friendships fade out?
Have you or Frasier ever had any romantic or sexual connection? Maybe Fraisers girlfriend decided you're a threat? I also understand that you live in a same city so your risk rating is higher 😂

@Melarus has a point. Would you have felt better if Emma had made arrangements to stop elsewhere? not told you? told you but not visited you at the same time? I can see Emma is in a predicament too when she knows how you feel about your lost friendship. Time to stop mourning for Fraser who doesn't give you the time of day, and time to nurture your real friends.

I think if Emma was a real friend to you she’d know how badly you feel about it and wouldn’t expect to stay with you.
Have you considered that Emma may now be more a friend of the gf rather than of F?

Absolutely this

But how does not getting over it help you? Did you offer for your friend to stay or did she ask - if latter then does she not know you are upset, I'd personally have stayed somewhere else.

You are giving this couple a lot of power and yourself none, have you heard of your locus of control - may be worth a Google.

I don't think you'd be unreasonable to say no to Emma because this is an uncomfortable situation.

As for the at least Emma got to know this woman argument, sucking up to someone that doesn't like you isn't something that everyone is good at. That's obviously worked well for Emma who got what she wanted out of it but it's not unreasonable to not want to do this.

Let Emma stay but make your own social arrangements for that day so you're not around, or book a holiday and give her the key so you're not there at all.

It does seem a little insensitive of Emma but not letting her stay will seem a little
petty to everyone else. Sadly, we do tend to drift away from friends we made at uni and school for many reasons and it’s probably best to accept that this guy has decided your friendship just wasn’t strong enough and the only reason Emma is going is because she seems to have rekindled the friendship via his partner. As annoying as this is, if you’re still good friends with Emma, let her stay and avoid any bitterness by resisting asking anything about the wedding over and above asking her if she had a good time and general niceties.

I think generally people shouldn’t use their friend’s houses as hotels when they are meeting other friends. It is just bad form. If Emma wants to come and spend some time with you then maybe it is OK. If Emma just wants to spend time getting ready for the wedding and sleeping in after going to the wedding then it is not fine. She is just using you.

I am surprised it took four pages for someone to suggest that perhaps you might have feelings for Fraser? Your friendship sounds to have been intense but probably not that long lasting? And started when you were young adults. It has been five years which is also a long time if you are still in your 20s or early 30s. And he's marrying someone who doesn't like you and you clearly don't want to be friends with either. Why is this sti a sore point except if you were in love with him?

Fabulous idea @ForFunGoose
Honestly this is ace @ScullyD

Emma is being unreasonable in asking to stay at yours given the circumstances but I would put her up if she is otherwise a good friend. She'll be able to give you all the details from the wedding when she gets back 😅

On another note, if you are really honest with yourself, have you or did you have feelings for Fraser? Or sleep together whilst at uni or when he visited you abroad? A lot of us have instincts for this, maybe that's why his fiancée looked you up and down and maybe that's why you were more offended than you might otherwise have been? I think he had feelings for you which is why he kept vanishing.

You could either clear the air to get to the bottom of it or just accept all as it is. But you need to move on for your own sake.

Book a weekend away and leave her the keys

I get why this is upsetting @ScullyD , all the good old times and now you’re left out apart from providing accommodation.

was it always totally platonic with you and Fraser?

Regardless, I wouldn’t like the whole getting ready/post wedding chat either. Could you have something come up that means you need to be away that weekend and just let Emma stay at yours?

I totally understand your feelings. It's really not great that Emma will be staying with you when it's the wedding as it's like rubbing it in your face BUT I think you should probably let her stay. Hopefully she will be gracious enough to not go on about it too much the next day.

As to why you haven't been invited, that's obvious. The fiance is threatened by you and wasn't by Emma

Finally I would send a message to Fraser explaining your hurt but then saying you respect his decision and wish him a wonderful wedding day and wonderful future. (Even if you don't quite feel that, be the bigger person).
It's a shame he is clearly so under the thumb by the fiance.

If I were you I'd organise myself a little weekend away somewhere. That way you'll be distracted from the wedding and will have an excuse not to let Emma stay over for it.

Dont do this!!!
Just quietly plan something else that weekend, Emma can book a a hotel room

@ScullyD I can see why you are hurt and tbh not sure Emma is a particularly nice friend but time to move on now

Are you very attractive 😍 ! Maybe GF feels threatened by you.the fact Emma is going but not you seems strange.i don't think it matters if she stays over really.Be honest was there ever a frisson between you.where you may have found one another attractive do u think.

Huh? No idea why you think OP needs therapy. Her thinking sounds perfectly normal and I think a lot of women would understand why she feels hurt.

Totally agree!

Why don’t you just go away for the weekend if it is too difficult for you. I actually think Emma is being a bit tactless in expecting you to host her for the weekend.

Emma made the effort to get to know her friend's fiancée. You didn't, because she 'looked at you funny'. It's as simple as that.

Anyway, going away for the weekend and leaving Emma the keys is the best suggestion I've seen.