AIBU to want my adult son to keep caring for me?

[Tessy1965998]

I was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer last year. I live my son who is in his mid-thirties. He moved away for uni and spent some time abroad in his 20s, but aside from that we have always lived together. We cared for my mother, his grandma, together for a few years before she died. Since my cancer diagnosis, my son has been taking excellent care of me. He has a girlfriend and I think that they might decide to live together soon, but where does that leave me. I divorced my son’s dad and our relationship was always pretty toxic, so it’s pretty much just been me and my son.

Am I unreasonable to think that my health comes first and that my son should stay put and care for me until I’m better instead of just moving out with his girlfriend? He hasn’t mentioned moving out and has mentioned getting some external professional care support, but I don’t want that.

I’m sorry OP but yes I do think you are unreasonable. You shouldn’t want or expect him to put his life on hold for you.

No I don’t. IMO we don’t have children to be our carers, we are responsible for ourselves. He sounds very caring but he should also be living his life. Dies he work? Why don’t you want carers?

YABU to refuse any external support and expect your son to do everything by himself. You had his help when caring for your own mother but that's a lot for one person to take on.

I feel for you but yes, you’re unreasonable. He deserves to live his life.

Kindly, I don't think it's fair to expect youe son to fully take on your care. It's a lot, especially if he doesn't have anyone to share it with eg an aunt or uncle.

Getting in some extra support soon will reduce the risk that he burns out.

Your son’s life comes first.

He shouldn’t give up love, life, marriage, work, travel, children to care for you. HTH.

You’re extremely unreasonable to expect such.

It must be really scary for you, but no he shouldn’t have to care for you, unless of course he wants too. You made the choice to look after your mum but that isn’t for everyone. You will need to look at alternative solutions

Your poor son. Had to wait until his mid thirties to launch into adulthood. I'm sorry you're unwell but if you need care you have to pay for it. You've stolen his youth by making him stay with you and care for your mum and you want even more of it now? Selfish.

In fact to be honest if he was my son I’d make a point of telling him that it’s ok for him to go and get on with his life. He probably feels like he can’t. I wouldn’t want that for him. It’s a bit strange that you do 🫤

OP I am so sorry that you are sick. But you have to think of your son and his path in life too. You surely want him to progress and make his own way, maybe have kids of his own. Caring is a big responsibility for one person. You may have to accept outside help.

Is this a reverse? Don't you want your son to live his own life?

Is this a reverse? Are you the son?

It would be helpful if the son can aid you in organising care but he should be able to move out and life with his girlfriend.

Don't you want him to be happy?

Obvious reverse. Are you actually the girlfriend OP?

Sounds difficult OP.

I had a thought - why don't you have a look at the elderly parents/carers thread? It might be helpful to have a wider view and you can identify potential pitfalls before they become a problem.

You don't think he should delegate some of your care to professionals? That seems utterly reasonable to me that he doesn't shoulder the burden all by himself. He's got his own life to lead, you don't own him. If you try to make things awkward by not not co-operating with carers coming in, he might decide he wants no more to do with it and move away. Would you think it better to not see your son at all, because that's a risk you might be taking..?

I hope this is a reverse.

We shouldn't have children to look after us. It absolutely should not be an expectation but a bonus.

He actually sounds like he's done a lot of helping over time and needs to live his own life.

I hope you’re on the wind up.

If this is for real, you should be pushing him out the door. It’s not his job to be your carer and you should want anything but this for him.

Unless you are nearing the end of your life, then yes, you are absolutely being unreasonable. But you said ‘until you get better’, so that’s not the case which I’m pleased to hear.

However, let him live his life, he’ll resent you otherwise. He’s been there for you with help when your mother needed it and during your cancer treatment to-date, I think he deserves the professionals coming in now to help and take on some of the load. Him mentioning this was your cue to realise this might be getting all too much for him and he wants to live a little, move-forward and set-down some roots with his gf and maybe one day plan to start a family of his own.

Encourage him to do so, appreciate the help you’ve had and welcome the external professionals for the sake of your own DCs happiness.

I wish you all the best.

I think you’re actually the girlfriend of the son 🤔🤔

Surely no one is this unreasonable. I am very severely disabled but I never want my dc to feel they need to care for me.

I’m sorry but yes YABU.

My husband has a life-limiting illness, so I do understand how frightening it can be. However, there are no circumstances under which it is reasonable to expect your child(ren) to postpone any aspect of their life to care for you.

We feel so strongly about this that our LPoAs spell out that we do not want our kids providing any form of residential care for us.

He’s so young to have had to care for so many people - honestly yes YABU. Professional care would be much more appropriate.

Sorry to hear you have stage 4 cancer. But as you have asked, I think it is completely unreasonable to expect your son to put his life on hold.

I can’t quite tell if this is coming from the son, his gf or if OP actually is the sick parent. Either way no, it’s never ok to expect your DC to become your carer. No matter how difficult life got I wouldn’t want to put my children in that position. He’s already done his share of caring, at mid 30s he needs to start living his own life.