AIBU to want my adult son to keep caring for me?

[Tessy1965998]

I was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer last year. I live my son who is in his mid-thirties. He moved away for uni and spent some time abroad in his 20s, but aside from that we have always lived together. We cared for my mother, his grandma, together for a few years before she died. Since my cancer diagnosis, my son has been taking excellent care of me. He has a girlfriend and I think that they might decide to live together soon, but where does that leave me. I divorced my son’s dad and our relationship was always pretty toxic, so it’s pretty much just been me and my son.

Am I unreasonable to think that my health comes first and that my son should stay put and care for me until I’m better instead of just moving out with his girlfriend? He hasn’t mentioned moving out and has mentioned getting some external professional care support, but I don’t want that.

I am sorry you're ill and hope treatment works.

You can't expect your son to put his whole life on hold though. My late DH used to say 'parenthood is a one way street' and the fact you chose to have him and cared as is expected of a parent does not obligate him to be with you for the rest of time, especially as there are other options for help.

I'm saying this as someone who has cared hands on for my bedbound DH (2nd) for years. My choice and marriage is a different relationship.

You should be cheering him on, encouraging him to do what he wants and organising your own external carers.

Anything else is entirely selfish. He sounds wonderful and deserves a life, not to have to be his mother's carer.

It's a very difficult situation. I hope you are getting the support you need OP.

This sounds very tough for you but I’m afraid I agree with most of the responses here. You took care of him because that’s your role as a mother, he has stepped up and helped look after your mother and now you, but it can’t be at the expense of his own life and you shouldn’t want it to be.

Relying on him for emotional support is also not appropriate for a parent to child relationship. Many adult children find this role reversal difficult and damaging to their own emotional wellbeing, even if they don’t voice it. He’s not a substitute husband, he’s your son. Yes, let him love and support you, but just don’t burden him with it and when you rely on him for those things, that’s what you’re doing.

Accept the outside care and seek external support too for your emotional wellbeing. A counsellor perhaps or good friends. I know this must be hard, but as mother’s the sacrifice needs to be ours, not our children’s.

I can’t imagine putting this on my kids. He helped you care for your mother too? Sounds like he’s had a very rough time and that he is already doing so much. Let him have a life. Bring in other support.

Also you have kids and look after them because you wanted to. You can’t throw it back in their face “I looked after you your whole life” - they didn’t ask to be born?! Yes ask for some help but don’t think of it as he owes you!

This is very well said. You are the parent, he is the child. It is not an equal relationship.

I hope this is a reverse. Although that’s still very sad.

Im hugely sorry for anyone in this position. However. We do NOT have our kids to use a support for us.

Precisely the opposite.

Your son needs to make his own life. Your job as a parent is to support that and I’m sorry, but you’re doing the total opposite.

This.
This dynamic is terribly toxic and damaging for your son.
I’m sorry you are going through this OP, but him constantly putting your needs first is not his job andit just isn’t right. You are belong incredibly unreasonable and I can’t understand why you’d expect anyone to agree with you.

YABVU and selfish.

Find out your prognosis, it might be years...

At what point do you then "give in" to getting external help?

YABTU. Your current selfish, attitude could lose you your relationship with your son in the end.

I'll also say this @Tessy1965998 . I was very ill last year and after 12 days in hospital with sepsis where I was very lucky to survive, I came out and started up doing the same level of care almost immediately. Connected with the original illness, I now have a serious and lifelong heart condition.

This sort of care takes an enormous toll, just the day to day repetitive grind is enough and I doubt you would want these sorts of things to happen to your son. It isn't in any way the same as looking after a cute 8 lb baby you can pick up with one hand or even an older child, it is backbreaking at times.

We have outside care 2x a day but practically, when you're living with someone who needs help it never goes away, it is ever present. You really are being very unfair to him.

I think you need to compromise here and understand that his life is not yours to command - its sounds like he knows you are going to need some persuasion given he has already broached the issue re external help.

I think you need to have an open conversation with him BUT your expectation cannot be he does the lot - who has he to help?

So I would make a list of what you could have help with that takes the pressure off him. Get in touch with social services to sort out what you could have help with and costs etc and how it all works. Have a chat with appropriate charities about what you can get help with as well - Marie Curie are very good as well.

I would start with having help with housework like cleaning and or ironing and maybe some food prep. Get to know the people and you will find many who work independently are very caring and friendly.

To help your son I would tidy up any paperwork you have, sort your finances and also maybe have a clear down of stuff in the house, make some adaptions in the house to help you get around and cope independently e.g. get a hot water maker that is not like a kettle eg dont have to lift hot water just fill a cup etc. Social services can help with this and also provide lots of aids for getting in and out of bed, making the house safe and advising you on changes to make

Will you expect your son or his girlfriend to provide personal care 🤷‍♀️

YABVU and expecting an enmeshed relationship, very unhealthy!

I'm really sorry about the crappy diagnosis OP.

And I'm really sorry but YABU. It's wonderful that you and your son are so close but let's flip this round to his perspective for a second. You guys don't have any extended family, it's always just been the two of you, effectively if he loses you he's alone in the world. Surely that's the last thing you want for him? Surely before you go, which hopefully isn't for as long as possible, you want to see him happy and settled, maybe with a family of his own or at least the prospect of that happening in the near future? He's in his 30's, this is the time for him to establish his relationship, a home of his own etc.

He will be well aware of your care needs, and I'm sure he fully intends to support you as much as possible but I think you should be taking steps to ensure it's not to the detriment of his own life. If he's mentioned outside professional care then I think you should look into that, at least to lessen his burden a little.

I hope the treatment goes well x

Yabvu OP.

Your ds has his own life, and must be free to live it as he wants to. There is third party support available for you. Don't let your illness sour your relationship with your child. Let him come and go as he wishes.

He shouldnt be made to feel guilty for living his life. I would hate for my children to think they need to put their lives on hold to support me- I didn't have them to be carers. I known it must be very hard for you but he needs to be able to live his life and the fact you don't have support from a partner shouldn't be his issue

I really hope this is role reversal post...
Its not unreasonable to be worried, but the way you talk of your son it seems you don't want him to have life of his own.
You could suggest to him that the GF would move in whilst you are getting better, and suggest that it would also help them save up for future home.
But are you going to be ok with him moving away when you are better?

Obviously we don’t know your financial situation, but have you made sure you've applied for all the benefits you are eligible for.
What are you anticipating needing help with? Could you get a cleaner, gardener, whatever in place now before your chemo. Get online shopping set up if you don’t already use it, practical things that will help make life easier when you’re not feeling up to it during treatment.

Contact a care agency and see what they can offer, it might not seem such a scary prospect when you look into it.
Have you written your Will? Sorted POA? Better to have it in place and not need it.

I'm sorry OP but it's not out children's role to care for us because we cared for them
It is a parents responsibility to care for our children we chose to have them and they have a right to expect us to care for and support them . Children don't have a responsibility to reciprocate.

You’re winding us up surely

has mentioned getting some external professional care support, but I don’t want that.

he may be sowing the seeds that he isn't copying with it all, he needs help and is suggesting you get some external help - but you don't want that.

You need to sit down and have an open and frank conversation with him

Would he like to have some external help to ease up on him doing so much? Might be somewhere to start. Its fine feeling that you don't want external help but actually its a lot for your family and when its only your son, its a very big load

Keeping your son living at home doing all the load will take its toll on him.