AIBU to want my adult son to keep caring for me?

[Tessy1965998]

I was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer last year. I live my son who is in his mid-thirties. He moved away for uni and spent some time abroad in his 20s, but aside from that we have always lived together. We cared for my mother, his grandma, together for a few years before she died. Since my cancer diagnosis, my son has been taking excellent care of me. He has a girlfriend and I think that they might decide to live together soon, but where does that leave me. I divorced my son’s dad and our relationship was always pretty toxic, so it’s pretty much just been me and my son.

Am I unreasonable to think that my health comes first and that my son should stay put and care for me until I’m better instead of just moving out with his girlfriend? He hasn’t mentioned moving out and has mentioned getting some external professional care support, but I don’t want that.

I dunno OP, mid thirties is usually when people start trying to have kids if they don’t already have them. How old were you when you had your son? @Tessy1965998

The timing is not ideal for you. It is for them though.

Excellent post, Piknik, but unfortunately OP clearly isn't listening

I've experienced this in the family myself, and sadly it's a well worn path where the person with needs will say "Oooo I knooowww" and then plough right on regardless. The giveaway was always "I don't want that" regarding professional carers, and the only real answer is for the family carer to force the issue by making themselves less available and somehow ignore the "Don't worry I'll be dead soon" which almost inevitably arrives

I only hope the DS has the mental strength to do it

Your poor son and his girlfriend. This is the time when they should be able to build their own family life - it is not right for you to put a block on it. As others have said, get what independent help you can and let them live their lives - I'm sure they will still continue to support you.
Sorry if this sounds harsh but you may even find there are benefits for you in getting support from others as well as your son.

It's not about coping with life's downtime but caring for a person is a full time job and takes up all your time and emotional energy, that's not what people sign up for, especially not for years at a time. The gf is in her mid 30s and they want children but op thinks they should wait until she potentially gets better ?? That's mental.

If you truly want to be a carer that's fine but to just chose to do that and expect a partner to put their life on hold too is incredibly selfish and short sighted.

What about his partner and their desire for a family? They're already mid 30s

She is 60 and her son is mid-30s, making her mid-20s when she had him. Let him have his chance to have a family of his own @Tessy1965998, can't you see how unfair it is to expect him to spend his entire 20s and 30s caring, when you had a child and presumably no caring responsibilities in your 20s. It also isn't independence when you are relying so much on a family member. I would want my children to live their lives, not hold them back.

I think its important to know that our children will have a life to live after us with a home and other people who love them. Sometimes the opportunities for these things don't come at the most convenient times, but its important not to let them pass by. Support your son to progress his life and take comfort in doing this important part of mothering him. Accept the outside help and enjoy your sons independence. I hope your treatment helps you and you have a the best outcome possible.

You seem to be against the majority on the thread so perhaps she feels similarly. It’s a big ask.

I don’t think any mid thirties person should put their life on hold as the op as asking her ds to do. So far it seems his gf is sticking with him but he should move on with her now rather than this.

This.

External support would be professional care. Why not accept that, and also see your son as your son, not just your carer out of 'duty'

OP are you saying you would feel independent with your son doing toilet care for you? But it would take away your independence to have a carer do it?

I'm a bit horrified by this. Literally my worst nightmare to have family do this

You're kidding right? Your son deserves a life of his own.

If you need a carer you need to speak to social services.

So you still think he should put his life on hold while you have chemo? That is totally unfair to him and his partner. If they are mid 30s and want to start a family they should get a move on not delay things.

A person who has spent years caring for his mother and grandmother and who now wants to get on with their own life, that's who.

And a GF with a sense of what a healthy relationship looks like.

You chose to care for your parents, that's fine, it was your choice and what you felt was right. The OPs DS hasn't chosen this, he wants to move out and have a bit of normality, his own family unit. His decision isn't wrong just because it's different to yours.

You've chosen to take a gamble that you'll be happy and healthy yourself into old age. Maybe you will and maybe you won't, but you're happy with your decision so it's fine. That's different to being guilt-tripped into it. You don't sound all that bothered about a career (the way you said jobs come and go) or about creating your own family unit (happy to juggle your GF and your parents needs). None of what you've chosen is wrong at all, it works for you and your GF, it's the decision you're happy with.

It doesn't work for OPs DS or his GF though. He is choosing his GF over his mother, he's choosing settling down with a life partner over a more casual relationship. If he intends to live with, marry and have DC with his partner then he should be putting her above his mother. To continue putting his mother first in that situation would not be a healthy relationship dynamic.

His GF is not the big-bad-wolf just because she wants a family unit of her own and a husband who'll prioritise her and their DC. She's just a normal person with a healthy outlook on life who maybe possibly telling her BF, the OPs DS, to either piss or get off the pot. If she doesn't want to waste her life on someone who won't prioritise her then that's her decision and she's entitled to communicate that, so she can come to a decision about whether to stay with him or not, just as OPs DS is entitled to decide what he wants to do.

You are being very unreasonable. The fact that he’s already helped with caring for his grandmother shows he’s a caring person, but to expect him to put his life on hold again is unfair of you. He may want to, he may not. You cannot put that hold on him at his age, he’s making his own life choices now. There are plenty of agencies that provide care in later stages. Don’t risk pushing him away by demanding he stays…far better that he makes that decision himself.

Let him live his life. Do not put upon him.

YABVVU He has spent most of his life caring and now its his time to live his life. I am sorry for your diagnosis but that should be the burden for our children to bear. He may not get another chance to have his own family - what if it becomes too much for his partner and she leaves.

“Where does that leave me?” Lots of options rather than relying on an adult son living with you doing personal care/24 hour companionship.
As pp have said, depending on finances pay privately or consider using PIP income/attendance allowance to employ a cleaner or carer. Look into getting an OT assessment via the council for any aids or adaptations to help you manage around the house. Ask for a social care assessment if you are needing personal care support daily and don’t have enough income or savings to fund this.
Ask GP about emotional support for your diagnosis, there might be some online or in person groups where you can come to terms with the journey you are on.
Move into this next phase with your son and daughter in law. There is the potential to support them in moving into their new home, starting a family, maybe even being a grandmother. They still need you as a mum/mum in law but a different way.
Dont ruin this by hanging onto them- particularly with regards the emotional support you are expecting from them.
You can cope and they want to be a part of your life but you need to make your own plan for this next phase and allow them to make theirs.

Well the NHS aren't rushing to start chemotherapy on the OP for whatever clinical reasons they've discussed and agreed upon.

I really think she should assume the worst. Either enjoy the time left or go through harrowing treatment. She's baulked at being told the facts which I would want at this stage. How much extra time will treatment give me. How sick will it make me.

OP what are your current views now you've had a sense of peoples thoughts? Might not he what you wanted to hear but will be interested to hear if you still feel the same ?

Selfish in the extreme.